Funny Quotes - Page 2

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  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Reading, Learning, Cowboy

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

  398 Copy quote

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  Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Worry, Debt

  658 Copy quote

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Hilarious, Father, Humorous

  190 Copy quote
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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

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• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Beauty, Crazy, Humor

  1451 Copy quote

• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

  Paul Fix

  Thinking, People, Statistics

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  141 Copy quote

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• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hilarious, Mom, Education

  1260 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Time, Humorous

  697 Copy quote

• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  Prince Philip

  Inspirational, Marriage, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  1568 Copy quote

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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Sarcastic, Believe, Sarcasm

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1442 Copy quote

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• Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

  John F. Kennedy

  Forgiveness, Witty, Clever

  John F. Kennedy, Dominique Enright (2003). “The Wicked Wit of John F. Kennedy”, Michael O'Mara Books

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• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Laughter

  1044 Copy quote

• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Change, Marriage

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

  1681 Copy quote

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• Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Inspirational, Life, Cute

  979 Copy quote
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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Encouraging, Uplifting

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  722 Copy quote

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• You can observe a lot by just watching.

  Yogi Berra

  Photography, Yankees, Vision

  Quoted in Dick Schaap and Mort Gerberg's Joy in Mudville: The Big Book of Baseball Humor Reflections (p. 185)

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• A day without laughter is a day wasted.

  Charlie Chaplin

  Good Morning, Happiness, Laughter

  1321 Copy quote
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  I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection

  Drake

  Hater, Mistake, Rapper

  626 Copy quote

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  Dave Barry

  Hilarious, Health, Humor

  187 Copy quote

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, Ideas, Comedian

  435 Copy quote

• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happy Birthday

  622 Copy quote
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  You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Life, Leadership

  1479 Copy quote
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  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laughing

  473 Copy quote

• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  A. A. Milne

  Inspiring, Witty, People

  "Fictional character: Winnie The Pooh". "Christopher Robin", www.imdb.com. 2018.

  859 Copy quote

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• The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

  Edward Abbey

  Inspirational, Life, Hilarious

  981 Copy quote