Funny Quotes - Page 10

• If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.

  Joyce Meyer

  Christian, Religious, Kindness

  Joyce Meyer (2011). “Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You”, p.88, Hachette UK

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• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  In Newsweek 28 Mar. 1960, p. 89

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• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  Navjot Singh Sidhu

  Dawn, Stealing, Neighbor

  49 Copy quote

• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

  Natalie Wood

  Success, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  91 Copy quote

• There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

  Oscar Levant

  Inspirational, Depression, Humor

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Travel, Silly

  George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

  Alexander Woollcott

  Food, Illegal Things, Finding Happiness

  Quoted in Readers Digest, Dec. 1933

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• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Witty, Laughter, Children

  44 Copy quote

• Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

  David Letterman

  Sarcastic, Purpose, Television

  36 Copy quote

• I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

  Rocky Graziano

  Sports, School, Pneumonia

  71 Copy quote

• Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

  Hobart Brown

  Inspirational, Happiness, Money

  54 Copy quote

• Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

  M. Scott Peck

  Inspirational, Motivational, Time

  160 Copy quote

• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

  W. H. Auden

  Inspirational, Helping Others, Earth

  W H Auden (1981). “Antæus”, Ecco Press

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• When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

  Mark Twain

  Love, Motivational, Birthday

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation

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• By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

  Bill Vaughan

  Witty, Elderly, Years

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• I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

  Si Robertson

  Life, Marriage, Wife

  Si Robertson (2014). “Si-cology 1: Tales and Wisdom from Duck Dynasty’s Favorite Uncle”, p.192, Simon and Schuster

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• A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

  Bill Cosby

  Life, Wise, Wisdom

  Twitter post from Oct 30, 2009

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• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in More Maxims of Mark, ed. Merle Johnson (1927)

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• I can resist everything except temptation.

  Oscar Wilde

  Sarcastic, Witty, Good Life

  Lady Windermere's Fan act 1 (1892) See Balzac 1; Clementina Graham 1; Mae West 19; Wilde 25

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• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Inspirational, Life, Morning

  Elbert Hubbard (1917). “In the Spotlight: Personal Experiences of Elbert Hubbard on the American Stage”

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• It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

  Steven Weinberg

  Winning, What Matters, Doe

  70 Copy quote

• Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

  William James

  Dance, Laughter, Moving

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• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

  Witty, Humorous, Boys

  George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

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• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Leadership, Sarcastic, Fake People

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

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• I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

  Lotte Reiniger

  Truth, Humorous, Believe

  162 Copy quote