Dave Barry Quotes

Quotes about:

Age Aging Alcohol Animals Arguing Art Atheist

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Dave Barry

God, Stupid, Abuse

21 Copy quote
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Dave Barry

Science, Technology, Teeth

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.39, Ballantine Books

8 Copy quote
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Dave Barry

God, Swimming, Whales

12 Copy quote
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Dave Barry

Education, Trying, Ark

111 Copy quote
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Dave Barry

God, Jobs, Laughing

19 Copy quote
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

Dave Barry

Yummy, Hands, Years

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.60, Ballantine Books

85 Copy quote
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

Dave Barry

Country, Night, Fire

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.124, Ballantine Books

82 Copy quote
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Dave Barry

Coffee, Views, Espresso

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.126, Ballantine Books

33 Copy quote
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Dave Barry

Cute, Birthday, Teenage

32 Copy quote
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Dave Barry

Inspirational, Balance, Matter

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

61 Copy quote
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Dave Barry

Inspirational, Funny, Life

23 Copy quote
I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

Dave Barry

Emotional, Maturity, Shoes

13 Copy quote
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dave Barry

God, Writing, Stupidity

22 Copy quote
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Dave Barry

Leadership, Business, Crazy

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

74 Copy quote
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Dave Barry

Inspirational, Motivational, Respect

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

129 Copy quote
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Dave Barry

Inspirational, Children, Perfect Parents

26 Copy quote
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Dave Barry

Life And Love, Business, Humor

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

88 Copy quote
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Dave Barry

Spring, Thinking, Self

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.2, Ballantine Books

8 Copy quote
The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

Dave Barry

Dog, Empty, Walks

15 Copy quote
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Dave Barry

Dog, Tape, Fundamentals

59 Copy quote
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Dave Barry

Atheist, Humanity, Religion

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

27 Copy quote
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry

Religious, Views, People

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

87 Copy quote
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

Dave Barry

Science, Animal, Mph

38 Copy quote
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Dave Barry

Laughter, Anxiety, World

"Dave Barry Elegy for the humorist" by Bryan Curtis, www.slate.com. January 12, 2005.

44 Copy quote
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry

Inspirational, Birthday, Believe

44 Copy quote

Latest quotes from interviews

"There are terrific TV shows now. This is a golden age for TV humor, I think. There's an actual market there. Of course, I have no idea how you'd break in, but there must be a way. They have all these shows and they need jokes and somebody is writing them."

- Dave Barry,

www.writersdigest.com, added Mar 3, 2017

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