Hilarious Quotes

• 

  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Wise, Wisdom

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

  612 Copy quote

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• Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

  Benny Hill

  Sarcastic, People, Birth Control

  179 Copy quote

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Health, Humor

  187 Copy quote

• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Motivational, Dream, Transcendentalism

  208 Copy quote

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humorous, Way

  186 Copy quote

• Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

  Mark Twain

  Tree, Opponents, Waste

  427 Copy quote

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Funny, Father, Humorous

  190 Copy quote
• 

  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  381 Copy quote

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• 

  Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  122 Copy quote

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• Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Witty, Stories

  94 Copy quote

• If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

  Dave Allen

  Funny, Ships, Cargo

  82 Copy quote
• 

  You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

  George Burns

  Funny, Retirement, Humor

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  159 Copy quote

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• My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

  Walter Matthau

  Funny, Life, Witty

  284 Copy quote

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  155 Copy quote

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• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Mom, Education

  1260 Copy quote

• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

  Agatha Christie

  Love, Funny, Birthday

  Attributed in Bennett Cerf, The Life of the Party (1956)

  143 Copy quote

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• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  77 Copy quote
• 

  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Humorous

  2387 Copy quote

• The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Fools Day, Political

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  165 Copy quote

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• My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

  Caroline Rhea

  Inspirational, Funny, Sports

  101 Copy quote
• 

  Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  2620 Copy quote

• A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

  Jill Shalvis

  Tired, Humor, Thinking

  Jill Shalvis (2015). “Lucky Harbor Collection 1: Simply Irresistible, The Sweetest Thing, Head Over Heels”, p.213, Hachette UK

  32 Copy quote

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  656 Copy quote

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• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Funny, Humorous, Pilots

  644 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Stupid People

  236 Copy quote