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Spaceballs

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If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

Spaceballs is a 1987 science fiction spoof in which Planet Spaceball's President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them. The film parodies Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Wizard of Oz, among others.

Directed by Mel Brooks. Written by Mel Brooks, Thomas Meehan, and Ronny Graham.
May The Schwartz Be With You.Taglines
Pizza the Hutt!
"I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps."
"The what?"
"The what?"
"And the what?"
Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... jammed!
"Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?!"
"Ah, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! GO!"

Opening credits

[edit]
  • [in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

Dark Helmet

[edit]
  • How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow? [Everyone On-Board: [raises hands; except one] Yo!] I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes! [lowers helmet] Keep firing, Assholes!
  • [Mr. Radar has just been "jammed" with raspberry.] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]
  • Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him] Hold it...I'll handle this personally. [Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Helmet!] So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet...to ours. [pauses looking at the camera for comedic effect then opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] She's not in there!
  • What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?!!
  • Ludicrous Speed, Go!
  • [feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
  • Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries!
  • [ogling Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] I bet she gives great helmet.
  • 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
  • Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"!
  • You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.
  • [To Lone Starr] I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
  • Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!
  • So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  • Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
  • [about the self-destruct cancellation button being out of order] Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
  • Come back, you fat bearded bitch!

Dot Matrix

[edit]
  • [After Barf, introduces himself, opening the emergency exit of the wedding car] Not in here, Mister. This is a Mercedes!
  • It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!
  • We'll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What'd he touch?
  • Well... [sniffs] Goodbye, virgin alarm.
  • Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil.
  • That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

President Skroob

[edit]
  • [After beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!
  • [Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!
  • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Sandurz and Helmet look at each other in disbelief]
  • [Winded after running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.
  • [When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?
  • Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
  • One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship; I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? AHHH! [referring to the bear that was already in the seat]
  • [to Dark Helmet, who had his helmet down] Never have that damn thing down in front of me! How do I know that you're not making faces at me under that thing?

Lone Starr

[edit]
  • Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
  • YOU listen! On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!
  • Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [Pauses, reads script {off-screen}]...Yeah.
  • [waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
  • [Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!
  • [Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers] Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!
  • Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]
  • You know something, Princess? You're ugly when you're angry!

Barf

[edit]
  • Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.
  • I'm a Mawg. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
  • [Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!
  • Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
  • [After Vespa blows away a group of Spaceballs] Holy shit!
  • Well, normally I would-- [tries to get up with his seatbelt still on] Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark.
  • They've gone to plaid!
  • Nice dissolve.
  • I'll have the cleavage, I mean the special.
  • The s- That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup! [Lone Starr: Good move.]

Others

[edit]
  • King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. [whispers] It's not insured...
  • King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! AIR!!!
  • Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!
  • Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy—MOLY!!
  • Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck!
  • Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
  • Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow!
  • Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
  • Colonel Sandurz: Attention! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
  • Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!
  • Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it!
  • Pizza the Hutt: Where's my money?!
  • Placemat in Diner reads: Spaceballs the Placemat; one of several references to film merchandising.
  • Newsman: On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky 5... Thousand!
  • Vinnie: [To Pizza the Hutt] Mmmmm! You're delicious.
  • Princess Vespa: I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns! [one of the incoming laser blasts singes part of her hair] My hair! He shot my hair! That son of a bitch! [Vespa proceeds to blast every guard Rambo-style]
  • The sign outside the church on Druidia first reads: "TODAY The royal wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium TOMORROW BINGO"
  • The sign outside the church on Druidia later reads: "TODAY The royal wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium TAKE TWO"
  • The bumper sticker on Spaceball One reads: "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY"
  • The bumper sticker on Eagle 5 reads: "I [heart] URANUS"
  • President Skroob's sheet reads: "Spaceballs The Sheet"; yet another reference to film merchandising
  • President Skroob's toilet paper roll reads: "Spaceballs The Toilet Paper" on all the sheets.
  • The license plate on Vespa's Mercedes reads: "SPOIL'D ROTT'N 1"
  • The towel seen when Lone Starr and Dark Helmet fight reads: "Spaceballs the Towel"

Dialogue

[edit]
Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: [slams down the phone and turns to Rico; stunned and angry] What? You went over my helmet?!
Rico: Well, not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever! [Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring] Oh, shit! No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! Please! Please! Please! No! No! N-not that! [clutches his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him using the Schwartz]
Dark Helmet: [pulls his mask down] Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's groin, instead of his neck, causing him extreme pain]
Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some?
Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen: [covering their groins] Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: Right here. [gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]
Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? [back to Colonel Sandurz] Good! When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within the hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. [chuckles as he sips coffee; his eyes bug out in pain and he spits it out, his helmet closing] Hot! Too hot!
[Vinnie appears on Lone Starr's video screen]
Lone Starr: Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
Vinnie: No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants.
[Camera shifts slowly to the right to see Pizza the Hutt laughing]
Lone Starr and Barf: Pizza the Hutt!
Pizza the Hutt: [belches] Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
Lone Starr: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza the Hutt: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.
Lone Starr: A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tomorrow?
Pizza the Hutt: A hundred thousand? [laughs derisively] No way! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh...one million spacebucks.
Lone Starr: A million?! That's unfair!
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else.
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell 'em, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.
Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: [hesitates] I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh, yes, sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell? It works on Star Trek.
Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shots began shooting at Vespa's Benz]
Princess Vespa: [from inside her Benz] What's happening?!
Dot Matrix: It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!
Princess Vespa: [realizing stupidly] Hey, I don't have up with this! I'm rich! [takes out her phone]
Dot Matrix: What are you doing?!
Princess Vespa: I'm calling my father! 1-800-Druidia.
[Warning shots almost hit Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: [lifts his helmet] Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Gunner: [lifts helmet, revealing that he's cross-eyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: [also cross-eyed] I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?!
Bridge Crew: [stands up and raises a hand, except for one person] YO!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. [closes helmet] Keep firing, Assholes!
[Spaceball I's radar has been literally jammed with real jam]
Radar Technician: Shit! [makes thinking noise; through PA, badly distorted, to Col. Sandurz] Sir!
Colonel Sandurz: [as he and Dark Helmet look over] What is it?
Radar Technician: [still through the PA] Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
[Sandurz and Helmet walk over]
Sandurz: Well?
Radar Technician: [still through the PA] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Sandurz: [grabs the microphone the technician was just using] You don't need that, private. We're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Still through the PA] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside] Now, what is it?!
Radar Technician: [normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Techician: You know, the bleeps... [makes radar-beeping noise]... the sweeps... [makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [makes squeaking noise]
Dark Helmet: [quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Radar Technician: Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [jam starts oozing down the computer screen] jammed!
Dark Helmet: Jammed? [examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz breaks the fourth wall by noticing the approaching camera, and getting out of it's way] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [the camera collides with him and he collapses]
Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!
Lone Starr: Oh, great. That's just what we needed: a Druish princess.
Barf: [to audience, breaking the fourth wall] Funny. She doesn't look Druish.
Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball soldier loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Soldier: [stands aside] Jawohl, Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [looks at him, then heads to the car] So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there!
[Immediately, all Spaceball soldiers in the room and Colonel Sandurz drop their guns and cover their groins]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Sta-! [car's door slams on top of his helmet]
[Spaceball I is approaching the Winnebago]
Colonel Sandurz: We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
Dark Helmet: Good! Prepare to attack!
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare to attack!
Dark Helmet: On the count of 3. 1...2... [the Winnebago goes into hyperspace] Wait! [lifts his mask] What happened?! Where are they?!
Colonel Sandurz: I don't know, sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet: And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir!
Dark Helmet: Well, find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! [turns on microphone] Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to...Ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps in horror]
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if the ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: [taunting] What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?!
Colonel Sandurz: [voice breaks like a chicken] Prepare the ship-! [collects himself] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! [everyone buckled their seatbelts] Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo-!
Dark Helmet: [takes the microphone] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Colonel Sandurz: [buckled himself] Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?!
Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! GO! [now screaming as he grips the handrail while being lifted into the air by momentum. Meanwhile, various warp trails are displayed on the monitor, and there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
[Spaceball I blasts over Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them; Barf and Lone Starr look on in amazement]
Barf: WOW! What the Hell was that?!
Lone Starr: Spaceball I.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!
[Meanwhile in Spaceball I]
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em! Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous; we've got to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you! STOOOOOOOOP!
[Sandurz struggles and reaches a lever labeled "Emergency Stop: Never Use." When he pulls it, he immediately stops Spaceball I. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a 5-minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke, if you got 'em. [falls over]
Dark Helmet: Have you found them yet?
Corporal: No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.
Dark Helmet: Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]
Colonel Sandurz: Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Corporal: Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: [lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly] How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!
Dark Helmet: [doubtfully] Nah!
Corporal: Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!
Colonel Sandurz: Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Corporal: Preparing to fast-forward.
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Corporal: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Corporal fast-forwards to the part where Dark Helmet has ignored Sandurz' warning to sit down and buckle up that leads to him denting his helmet severely]
Dark Helmet: [about the part where he dented his helmet severely] No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]
Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
[Corporal stops the tape, then Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]
Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Colonel Sandurz: "Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [indicates the screen]
Dark Helmet: What happened to "then"?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed "then."
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at "now," now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to "then"!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?!
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?!
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: ... When will "then" be "now"?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: [backpedals in shock] How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to a scene showing protagonists wandering in desert]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega!
Colonel Sandurz: Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!
Dark Helmet: [increasingly panicked] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours, sir!
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
Dark Helmet: WHO?!! [mask falls down]
[When Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss, Dot Matrix's Virgin Alarm goes off]
Barf: Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH!
Dot Matrix: We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?
Vespa: Nothing happened.
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the Hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.
[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert]
Lone Starr: Water. Water!
Barf: [with tongue out] Water. Water!
Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil!
Vespa: Room service. Room service!
Lone Starr: But Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Merchandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Merchandising! Come, I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door. [walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise] Heh-heh. Come! We put the picture's name on everything! [everyone is staring in amazement] Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, [holds up a Transformers comic book] Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal! Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower! [fires a blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Ooohh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll; Me. [pulls the doll's string]
Yogurt Doll: May the Schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
[Spaceballs are literally combing the desert]
Colonel Sandurz: Sir?
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers but uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. [puts down bullhorn] Found anything yet?!
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir!
Dark Helmet: [shouting] How about you?!
Soldier: Not a thing, sir!
[Camera pans to two soldiers using an Afro Pick.]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?!
Black soldier: [sarcastically] We ain't found shit!
Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
Dark Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
Sandurz: But, sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. [imitating Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [imitating Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [imitating Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [imitating Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [imitating Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [imitating Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll, imitating Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh! [imitating Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [imitating Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over, imitating Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh! [imitating Helmet doll] And you, too! [knocks Dot doll over, imitating Dot doll] Aaargh! [imitating Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [imitating Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely attractive. [imitating Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [imitating Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [imitating Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [imitating Vespa doll] No, no, yes. [imitating Helmet doll] No. [imitating Vespa doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh...ohhhh, your helmet is so big.
Colonel Sandurz: [barges in, opening the door] Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [startled, hiding his action figures] WHAT?!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir!
Dark Helmet: [unfathomably embarrassed] KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: [pause] Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Dark Helmet: Good!
[Colonel Sandurz then closes the door]
Dark Helmet: So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[Later, when President Skroob walks in]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5.
Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look] Prepare Spaceball I for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!
[Lone Starr parks the Winnebago in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the Hell is that thing?!
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Jeez! Hey! You can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you guys read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking!
[Barf exits the Winnebago, and flips off the Guards while making kissing noises]
Guard 1: That son of a-! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah!
[They enter and get knocked unconscious]
Guard 1: Hey! [camera shows he and Guard 2 are dressed only in boxers and undershirts, and sporting black eyes] Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us, too!
[Princess Vespa has just mowed down a full squad of soldiers single-handedly with a laser rifle Rambo-style]
Barf: Holy shit!
Vespa: [blows smoke from gun barrel] How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad!
Barf: Not bad, for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Vespa: Let's blow this joint.
Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10,000 years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [whispers to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last 100.
Skroob: What was that?!
Dark Helmet: Nothing!
Skroob: Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Skroob: What? They're getting all the air back! Do something!
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: [through microphone] Do something!
[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck]
Guard: [pause] What the Hell are you doin'?
Lone Starr: The- Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard: No, no, no, stupid. You got it much too high. It's down here, where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr: Like [jabs into the correct place] this?
Guard: Yeah! [collapses]
Lone Starr: Thanks.
[As Lone Starr is about to hit the self-destruct button]
Dark Helmet: [appears] Not so fast, Lone Starr!
Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [thinks about what he has just said, then approves it; whispers] Yeah.
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: [confused] What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die. [lights up his Schwartzsaber which is green, and Lone Starr lights up his Schwartzsaber which is orange] You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. [he and Lone Starr look at their respective Schwartzsabers in a humorous way] Now, let's see how well you handle it.
Dark Helmet: [after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber] Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]
Lone Starr: What?!
Yogurt's voice: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz!
Lone Starr: I can't. I lost the ring.
Yougurt's voice: Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr! It's in you!
Lone Starr: All right; I'll try!
Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
[Alarms go off on the main bridge]
Skroob: What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris?
Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
Skroob: You've got to stop it! Is there any way to stop it?
Colonel Sandurz: I can't! It's irreversible!
Skroob: Like my raincoat!
Dark Helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey-hey-hey, that's my escape pod, who are you?!
Bearded Lady: I'm the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him and gets in the pod, laughing]
Dark Helmet: Wait, come back! That's my pod! No! [the pod ejects] Come back, you fat-bearded bitch!
Computer: This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: "Cancellation button"?! Hurry!
[All three slide down the stairs to find the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Where is it?! Where is it?!
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]
Dark Helmet: [angrily] "Out of order"?! Fuck! Even in the future, nothing works!
Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [all three recoil in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6-
Skroob: 6?! What happened to 7?!
Computer: Just kidding!
[They all growl in annoyance]
Princess Vespa: [to Lone Starr] There's the other end! Faster!
[Lone Starr accelerates the Winnebago]
Computer: [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror] 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [they all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob: [they open their eyes] Thank you. [they close their eyes again]
[Eagle 5 escapes just in time and flies off as Mega Maid explodes]
Man 1 in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees, and then he said, "I got it. We on Pluto." And we said, "Harry, how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark, you dummies!" [laughs] From the bark!
[Kane from the film "Alien" convulses]
Woman in diner: Is he all right?
Man 1 in Diner: Yeah, yeah, this guy digs me.
Man 2 in diner: Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
Man 1 in Diner: I don't know!
Man 2 in diner: Bring him some water!
Man 1 in Diner: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
[Kane starts groaning in pain]
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The s-[realizing] That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
[Kane continues groaning in pain until a Chestburster emerges]
Kane: [in horror] Oh, no! Not again! [dies]
[The Chestburster dons a straw hat and begins dancing his way out of the diner]
Chestburster: [Singing] Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag-time gal! Send me a kiss by wire; baby, my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me! Then you'll be left alone oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own! [walks out the door]
Lone Star and Barf: Check, please!
[Barf opens a fortune cookie Yogurt gave to Lone Starr, triggering a holographic message]
Lone Starr and Barf: Yogurt!
Yogurt: Hello, boys! Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Lone Starr: [overjoyed] Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means-
Yogurt: Which means if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Barf: Bye, Yogurt!
Lone Starr: And, Yogurt...thanks.
Yogurt: You're welcome. [drawn out, gradually fading away] AND MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOOOOUUU!...aaa-eee-aaa-eee-ooo, what a world, what a world... [fades out]
[Two apes ride up on horseback]
Ape 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
[The second ape checks his binoculars, finding Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz and President Skroob climbing out of Mega-Maid's nose]
Dark Helmet: [barely audible from that distance] Hey! Watch my helmet!
Ape 2: Spaceballs?!
Ape 1: [in disbelief and mock exasperation] Oh, shit! There goes the planet.
[Last lines]
Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Barfolomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: THEN GET OVER THERE! Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you?
Lone Star: Yes.
Priest: Do you?
Princess Vespa: Yes!
Priest: Good! You're married! Kiss her!
Lone Starr: I love you.
Vespa: I love you.
[As Vespa and Lone Starr kiss, the crowd cheers]
Dot Matrix: Well, [sniffles] goodbye, Virgin Alarm.

Taglines

[edit]
  • May The Schwartz Be With You.
  • Once Upon A Time Warp In Deep Space, The Struggle Between The Nice & The Rotten Goes On...
  • Revenge Of The Schtick

a sequel!

  • OH NO! A SEQUEL MOVES!
  • Schwartz v.s Gremlins.
  • Guess Who's Back?
  • Coming Soon....ish?!

Cast

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
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