Theresa May
Teresa Theresa Mary "Big Sister" May (born 1 October 1956), also known as Theresa Maybe, Theresa Won't, Theresa Mayhem, Cruella de Vil, Gandalfina the Grey, Maybot, Merkel of Maidenhead or Ms Brexit Means Brexit, served as the strong and stable weak and wobbly Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Leader of the Conservative and Putinist Party following the resignation of notorious pigfucker Dave Cameron in 2016. Contrary to what many people think as a result of being unable to spell her name right, she never has been a glamour model. Which is fortunate, otherwise we'd be spending an awful lot of money on sick bags. She is, however, renowned for her dancing skills - her jaw-dropping performance to Dancing Queen by ABBA at a Conservative Conference is widely regarded to be the most impressive piece of dance choreography to date.
Background[edit | edit source]
Theresa has served in both the shadow cabinet and cabinet many times before bellowing her way to 10 Downing Street, despite having botched every single one of her previous jobs. She identifies Vladimir Putin as her main political idol and her skills include being treated leniently by the Speaker and Deputy Speaker in the House of Commons[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], lying, running through fields of wheat and generally not giving a damn about what anyone who isn't Rupert Murdoch, Viscount Rothermere, Donald Trump, Andrea Leadsom, Iain Duncan Smith, Theresa Villiers, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove or John Whittingdale wants.
Home Secretary[edit | edit source]
Prior to finding her way into No. 10, Theresa May held the position of Home Secretary. During this period of time, she didn't have a clue what she was doing. She promised that she would try to get immigration down into the tens of thousands but it actually went up - probably because the measures she introduced only encouraged more immigrants to sail their way in. This caused her to come under fire from Captain Nigel Farage, who dislikes virtually all immigrants - especially from Eastern Europe and Pakistan - and who has convinced himself that every single one of this country's problems can be blamed on immigration. Unfortunately, this completely backfired on him, and would ultimately lead to Theresa becoming Prime Minister.
In addition, May came to the conclusion that the only way to defeat terrorists was to pry into the private business of decent citizens. So she passed a Snooper's Charter. Of course, she only did this to further her own nosy interests. She worded the charter to allow her to see or hear all of the following:
- Your Facebook friends
- All the porn sites you've visited
- What you did on that night out after getting totally slaughtered
- What your friends did on that night out after getting totally slaughtered
- All of your texts
- Everything you've bought online
- All of your phone calls
- All of your emails
It is widely believed that she got this idea from the real-life supervillain and good friend of hers Rupert Murdoch, who is an expert at hacking phones and getting away with it. Also, the internet is one of her pet hates, because she views at as a sewer full of porn and anti-Tory sentiment. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Brexit[edit | edit source]
“Brexit means Brexit and we're going to make a success of it.”
– What Theresa May appeared to mean
“Brexit means BrexSHIT and we're making a mess of it.”
– What she actually meant
Anyway, Nigel kept bellowing at the Tories, and so they gave into his demands for an EU in/out referendum. Theresa May claimed to back Remain, but, being a known liar, failed to hide from us all the fact that she really wanted to crash out of the European Union. Not only that, but she also wanted to cut off all ties with it. So during the referendum, she just sat there and said virtually nothing.
The referendum resulted in Captain Farage sinking the nation with the help of lunatic Boris Johnson and notorious duffer Michael Gove. David Cameron couldn't be bothered to clean up the mess they had made, so he resigned. As a result, there was a leadership contest, but they made it perfectly clear that only people with a giant portrait of Vladimir Putin on their walls were permitted to run for leadership of the party. In the end, Theresa May was the only possible choice as a result of all the other candidates dropping out. So winning that one was as simple as finding an easily embarrassed chameleon.
Prime Minister May[edit | edit source]
“Let the Russians do it.”
– Theresa May's approach to healthcare
After winning Downing Street, Theresa May swiftly began a reign of terror. She was determined to crush all opposition like a worm under a wheel, even those who opposed things as trivial as her leather trousers. She quickly set about issuing the same response to all sorts of petitions. From Brexit to badger culling, she (or occasionally David Davis) would just tell them to shut the feck up because they were wrong.
Even after invoking Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty after numerous demands from UKIP to get on with it, she still couldn't crush all opposition. Especially not like a worm under a wheel. So Theresa came up with a magnificent scheme: she would call an early general election, even after having said she wouldn't.
Theresa made it perfectly clear that only the Tories could provide strong and stable leadership. Or, at least she tried. Well, we all know that's not true because one of their vans later blew over in the wind, thus proving that they are unstable.
Theresa May promised that if the Tories won the election, she would implement the following policies:
- Kill foxes.
- Kill badgers.
- Stop funding social care for pensioners and scrap the triple lock - "they're going to die soon, so why should I care?".
- Continue Cameron's policy of taking every penny from the hands of the many and giving everything to the few.
- Privatise the NHS and sell it off to Russian oligarchs, which obviously won't increase rates of bankruptcy.
- Hike up fares on trains and buses, which BLATANTLY obviously won't increase rates of bankruptcy.
- And definitely no Oyster for Epsom or Staines.
- Fewer police, which obviously wouldn't cause more terrorist attacks.
- A Great Firewall of Britain, blocking all access to porn and social networking sites.
- Make it a criminal offence to delete one's browsing history, or to fail to show it on demand, especially if you watch porn.
- Repeal the fixed term parliaments act and outlaw all challenges to Prime Ministerial authority.
- Give Rupert Murdoch everything he wants.
- Ignore all who say that Rupert Murdoch is evil (even though he is).
- Crash out of the EU in a Russian-style hard Brexit and apply to join Putin's Eurasian Economic Union.
The election took place on 8 June 2017. Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is known for having expanded his vote-rigging operations out of Russia, obtained a ballot paper for each constituency, put a cross in the Tory box (except in the Rushcliffe and Broxtowe constituencies, where he put a cross in the UKIP box, and in Northern Ireland, where he put it in the DUP box) on each one, turned on his photocopier and made a very large number of photocopies. He then paid a bunch of agents just over 3 million rubles each to either go to the UK, force-feed large amounts of vodka to the polling station staff and stuff the ballots into the ballot boxes while the staff were too slaughtered to notice, or send the ballots in parcels. He also paid some other agents to seek, locate and destroy postal votes intended for Labour, the SNP or the Liberal Democrats.
The plan devised by Putin and the Tories (some of whom, it seems, have already rigged votes in the 2015 election) was a partial success. The Tories took some seats from the Lib Dems, and even more from Labour, and many Tory MPs, even the most unpopular ones, retained their seats with an increased share of the vote, often exceeding 50% of the vote. The SNP made considerable losses north of the border, with many seats going to the Tories. But May and Putin forgot all about Tim Farron. Farron had replaced Nick Clegg as Lib Dem leader two years earlier, and had voted against tuition fees. As a result, the Lib Dems made gains, including north of the border. All because Theresa May was so focused on stopping Labour and the SNP that she forgot to pay attention to the Lib Dems, which wasn't helped by the fact that the Lib Dems had made significant losses previously due to their failure to keep their promise on tuition fees. In addition, some of the extra ballots mailed to the UK from the Kremlin were intercepted by the UK border agency and blown up, and some Russian agents got lost on their ways to some of the polling stations, thus preventing them from doing all of their ballot stuffing.
The election resulted in a hung Parliament, which everyone thought would rid us of this troublesome Prime Minister once and for all. But they also forgot about one political party - namely the hard-right backwards bigots known as the DUP who want to go back to the early Victorian era and are best known for saying exactly what you'd expect them to say to the Good Friday Agreement, i.e. "NO!". As a result of Putin's vote rigging, the DUP had won 10 seats and the Tories 318. Although Labour still had some seats, this still meant that when the two parties joined forces, they'd have a majority. And that's exactly what they did. It seems that maybe, just maybe, Theresa Maybe could be Prime Minister for life. She won't give up her position without a fight - otherwise, she'd lose her excuse to read everyone's private communications.
