Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Page 10

Quotes about:

• I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Limos

  12 Copy quote

• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Comedian

  "Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together". Comedy, 2003.

  14 Copy quote

• I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Night

  "R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg", www.indiewire.com. March 31, 2005.

  4 Copy quote

• I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Real, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Running, Humor

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

  133 Copy quote

• If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Groups

  4 Copy quote

• I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Real, Humor

  36 Copy quote

• My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  69 Copy quote

• I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Opportunity

  7 Copy quote

• I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  7 Copy quote

• I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Home, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Football, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  40 Copy quote

• A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Home, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Couple, Becoming One, Comedian

  6 Copy quote

• Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  7 Copy quote

• I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Firsts

  6 Copy quote

• Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Needs

  5 Copy quote

• Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Art, Taken, Thinking

  Source: www.comedymoontower.com

  4 Copy quote

• If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  8 Copy quote

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