Jerusalem
“Peace in the middle east? That one’s easy, just split the holy land down the middle with nuclear weapons; whichever side gives it up and lets the other have it first is the one that deserves it more. If they both give it up at the same time, then I guess no one wants it anymore so it's not an issue. With any luck, they’ll both hate you so much that they put aside their differences and join forces to try and cut YOU in half. Hey, I built that temple, so I can do what I want with it. Now get off my property before I call the cops; all your praying – I’m trying to get some sleep! I’ve got a thousand wives and getting yelled at that much takes a lot of energy!”
Jerusalem (Hebrew: Jewrusalem, Latin: Jesusalem, Arab: Jews? Lasalam) was one of the most neglected places on the planet until recently. In recent weeks it has come to the attention of the UN that there exists vast reserves of oil under the Temple Mount. The discovery was made by a team of archaeologists from Halliburton.
History[edit]
Jerusalem has attracted very little attention over the centuries, even as the future home of some pocky clips. One advantage of being such an unpopular place is that this is one of the very few places on the planet that has not known any wars at all in its long history.
Industry[edit]
- Helicopter gunship tourism
- Forging of Jewish scythes for Kosher harvests
- Sorting stones into piles
- Teaching birds to fly in specified migration patterns to avoid airplanes
- Doomsday cults and role-playing games
- The world's largest center for recycling spent shell casings
The heavily-guarded border between Jerusalem and Australia is the site of the massive Israel Vacuum Pump, which sucks in unwanted heat from the center of Australia to keep the Middle East hot and humid. Terrorists have tried over several decades to destroy this facility and plunge the Mid-East into a new Ice-Age.
Additionally, Jerusalemites unite behind their Major League Bloodbath team, the Judaics. The first team to come to Jerusalem since the Templar Crusaders of the Medieval League, the Judaics have the unanimous support of the rabid Israeli fan base. A quintissential "small-market" team (six million more or less), the Judaics are one of the powerhouses of our time. Founded by the legendary Teddy Herzl, the Judaics' predecessors, the Tel Aviv Zionists, won a miraculous victory in the 1948 world series against the Egypt Caliphs. Moving to Jerusalem, they followed it with equally shocking triumphs over their arch-rival Caliphs, the Damscus Kabooms, and the Amman Random Arabs in the 1967 and 1973 championships, the only series where more than two teams participated. They won behind the stellar play of Moshe Dayan ('67) and Ariel Sharon, ('73). In fact, after the '73 drubbing, the Caliphs, Kabooms, and Random Arabs all folded, and they now serve as part of Jerusalem's farm system. Now a manager, Sharon seems to be preparing his team for a major showdown with their new arch-rivals, the Tehran Fatwas, in the near future.
Landmarks[edit]
- Skull Mountain is an amusement park where babies are thrown daily into fire pits as a sacrifice to Satan.
- The Pouting Wall is where people go after services.
- The Church of the Holy Crapper is home to the first toilet ever made, and people still spit into it for good luck. It is a fine place for avoda zara (foreign worship/idolatry) if ever there was one.
- The Dome of the Rock, next to the Pouting Wall, is where people go to get stoned in hopes of finding Allah, Jesus, Asherah or Mary-Kate Olsen.
- The Dome of the Dome is a dome built for the purpose of building a dome, which was built for building a dome, and so on and so forth. The Russians thought this one up when playing with their dolls.
- The Osographic Quarter, the Baalist Quarter, the Confusionist Quarter, and the Scientologist Quarter: the four quarters of the Old Wellhead.
- The Old Wellhead used to have oil but stopped having it when the Arabs made a fuss about their stuff being missing. When they found it, they built the Dome of the Rock and got stoned.
- Schwanentempel, the Temple of Swan Shit, is where bird droppings were worshipped. Unfortunately, the Romans came around and filled it with cow shit on the Ninth of Av and the whole thing plotzed.
- A deathray – need I say more?
- A dog crapper – no.
Current affairs[edit]
- Recently Jerusalem built the first Sexeteria in hopes to draw more terrorism and to shake its bland image. Its construction has stirred up quite a bit of controversy amidst the locals, but the local government could not care less.
- Major oil has been discovered under the Temple Mount.
- Israel's gay population thought to organize the International Gay Pride Parade in Jerusalem in 2005, and for the first time in history the three major monotheistic religions came together to concur: "What a freakin' rad idea!" The chief priests, rabbis and mullahs of Israel all held a press conference to express their explicit support and to vocalize their common prayers for greater tolerance in the world. So moved were the gay pride organizers that they cried, held a bunch of group hugs, smoked a fatty and forgot the event altogether.
- The president of Sudan Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir has recently made controversial yet scientific true statements regarding his visit to the city of Jerusalem last week: "Jerusalem is a nice place to visit if you're a mental person, religious in any way, or just plain stupid. I am all of those so my stay there was grand! For anyone else, it should be avoided because the risk of being converted by basically every main religion has reached 97.6%."
- In recent news, it has been discovered that the inhabitants of Jerusalem have the highest IQ score out of any other city in the world, with the median at 123.4 as of Dec 16, 2009. Prime minister Bibi Netanyahu, a Harvard graduate himself, was quoted on the matter saying: "the record for the highest IQ score fills me with pride, but at the same time fills me with grief, because according to my calculations, if the Palestinian authorities hadn't forced the IQ test on its people, the number would have been 48.7% higher.
Politics[edit]
“Get out of our land!”
“Get out of our land!”
“Get out of our land!”
“Get out of our land!”
“Get out of our land!”
“Get out of our land!”
“Can we talk now?”
“Do NOT make me come over there!”