Home invasion
“Does Santa Claus deserve to be sued for home invasion?”
“In Soviet Russia, home invades you!”
A step further than Ding Dong Dash, home invasion, sometimes known as Ding Dong Bash, begins with the same premise but quickly escalates from "ha ha funny" to "the front door is broken down, now its officially a party!"
Origins[edit]
After many centuries of amaturish interest by soldiers of the Roman Empire, home invasion was perfected in 1480 by the Spanish Inquisition, as translated and retold in this account by persecuted jew- Samuel Abravanel:
“It would be well after midnight, they would break down the door, usually with a long metal stick, or pike, grab you out of bed and dress you in rags. The soldiers would take your whole family and put them on one side of the room, and you on the other. They would force your daughter or wife to kiss a gold crucifix, and bring the cross over to you, they would demand- ‘Will you accept the will of God into your heart? Kiss the cross, kiss the cross, kiss it!!!’ They would scream, and threaten to cut off your wife or daughters lips if you refused.”
The same incident as recalled by the soldier who was yelling ‘kiss it!!!’:
“This Mr. Abravanel had been up drinking, and was seen urinating outside his dwelling with a circumsized penis at zero three hundred hours. He pissed on my new boots! So I called the captain over and we ransacked his house for a bit. Gave them the old ‘kiss the cross’ routine, put the fear into them, I think the daughter even liked it a little, kissing little tortured smooth shiny Jesus, she was like a giant monster who was gonna eat him up and put him out of his misery, except he's made of gold and than he'd get to live in her tummy and be defiled by her, cause she's a dirty girl. I love making the dirty heathen girls kiss big long thick crosses, I hope we get to use the kinky spiked iron stuff next time.”
Tools of the Trade[edit]
Portable Ram[edit]
We at the Ram-A-Lam Corporation provide police networks all over the world with the finest in door breaking technology. Nothing says love or ‘knock knock’ like a twenty-four pound galvanized steel portable ram battering down your front door. Unless your Andy Dick, then getting rammed is just all in a days work.
The Dogs[edit]
If you're really lucky, your friendly home invaders will bring a few canine companions to keep you company after petting all of yours with bullets, while all of your possessions are systematically and forcefully dumped into an untidy pile in the middle of the room. Even though the dogs are thoroughly trained, they are nevertheless quite ill-mannered and will express an unmitigated interest in your crotch. Squirming only makes them bite down harder, but crying is acceptable, unless of course the person with the weapon says it isn't.
