Wonder Woman

This woman saves herself (only herself).

Wonder Woman ranks among the first semi-independent superfemales portrayed in ~~Liberal Comics~~ DC Comics. She is the reigning Ms. Olympia, and wields a magic truth compelling lasso woven of the hair of Perry Mason and Matlock.

Origins and early history

Wonder Woman was created in 1941 by renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud, inventor of the lie detector and false advertising. Early issues were devoted to teaching his radical political and social views on feminism to young impressionable children, lesbians and perverted men. Among these are his belief that men secretly desire to submit to strong women, that all women are inherently bisexual, that the penis is just a failed clitoris, that most women secretly enjoy a good spanking now and then, and that a woman with no biological father raised on an island of nothing but women will still want to have sex with him. The next writer to take over loved women, having served alongside plenty as ground forces in WWII, so Wonder Woman got to have more adventures cooking, crying and baby sitting as a 50's house wife for Steve.

In the comic book, Wonder Woman is a Lesbian from Paradise Island. The Lesbians are a race of women from Ancient Greece who have sequestered themselves away in an all-female society. Free from masculine destructiveness, they are able to harness the virtually unlimited potential of their vaginas to play basketball with boulders and to read their nuclear physics textbooks rope tied in stress positions. Hercules, hearing that Queen Vulva wore a magic chastity belt that was indestructible as well as making the wearer irresistible, challenges her in battle. Although quickly defeated, he gives each Lesbian a pair of "slave shackles so they would always remember, even though they shunned makeup, they could at least accessorize. Humbled by their encounter with Kevin Sorbo, the Lesbians invisible jet set from Greece to Paradise Island. Unlike the olive skinned inhabitants of other Mediterranean islands whose inhabitants were ethnically diverse from millennium of sea faring trade, Paradise Island was as white as a country club until they eventually started allowing more ancient Egyptian goddesses to gentrify the neighborhood after some Nazi's invaded and the amazons received far too many compliments from them whiles being bent over their knees.

The warrior sorority enjoy shooting each other with guns for fun, deflecting bullets off their shackles, meaning Amazons pretty much act and dress like gangsters, dropping rhymes straight from suffering Sapho. Amazons, like Atlanteans, are not allowed to compete at the Olympics, but they don't really care because they have one every other day anyways and they find normal people doing athletic events to be slower, weaker and less naked. Amazonian correctional facilities are also considerably more advanced, Reform Island is easily the multiverses nicest and most effective prison, if Poison Ivy, or Catwoman spent a day there they'd come back super model citizens. This is because unlike letting their prisoners rot in a cage and get raped, the scantily clad psychologists of Big Sister employ Love Binding™, teaching them to joyfully volunteer for loving slavery and to leap into the warm soft embrace of the supreme loving authority of the Amazonians Love Leadership™ .

Their veil of seclusion was not perfect, however, as Colonel Steve Trevor penetrates the sanctity of their island home. After he crash-lands on the island, Queen Vulva holds an Olympics to determine who will have the honor of killing him. The Lesbian Princess Diana, daughter of the Queen, wins the contest, but becomes fascinated with the concept of penetration when she thrusts her sword through his heart. As penetration is forbidden in Lesbian society, she is exiled from her island home, and decides to journey to the United States, the home of the man who awakened her true women's desires, taking the United States flag as her gym clothes.

Later history

Wonder Man prior to gender-reassignment surgery.

The amazonian princess has never had a very good history with the Catholic Church despite her attempts at dressing more modestly.

After the war Wonder Woman settled down, putting aside the rampant lesbianism of her youth now, that she was a real, red blooded American citizen, but Steve still felt insecure that she wouldn't just leave him one day flying her invisible jet to the grocery store to get milk, off to rescue some other guy, so he used government surveillance equipment to stalk his girlfriend while at work, long before stalking your significant other at work was popular on face book and with the NSA.

Eventually in the 60's she undid Steve's brainwashing and became a beatnik and a hippy after smoking weed for the first time with the Justice League's token teenager Snapper Carr and realizing she could fly. In the later 1960s, Wonder Woman started wearing white outfits, even after Labor Day, and acquired a sidekick named Wonder Girl. Wonder Girl, being a girl from man's world, first introduced the concept of the bra to Wonder Woman. Since no "man's world" bra could encapsulate Wonder Woman's massive endowment, she used her scientific genius to adapt the technology of her invisible jet in creating the world's first invisible, anti-gravity brassiere. Thus, the Wonder Bra was born.

In the 70's she watched way too much Charlies Angels and became more or less a sexless James Bond without the cool gadgets, or even the invisible jet and gun shot wound reversing purple ray that she used to have. She wanted to blend in more at the height of women's lib, so she gave into peer pressure and lost all of her superpowers, replacing them with karate and guns, even though she used to be able to outrun cars and block bullets. By the 80's she needed all her powers again, to climb the corporate ladder as a businesswoman, as capitalist bacchanalia became the new feminism.

In the 70's guns were feminism, as the second wave headed off to the jungles of Vietnam.

Subsequently, when Marv Wolfman was given the task of thinning out an over-crowded DC Multiverse, the characters Wonder Woman and Wonder Man were merged during the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event. In the new continuity, Wonder Woman's pre-Crisis adventures were deemed to have been imaginary stories, or to have been stories about her mother, and Wonder Man was phased out in an epic plot that saw him undergo gender-reassignment surgery and emerge as the new, post-Crisis Wonder Woman. In the 1990's she seems to have become a joyless nun at the Justice League orbital monastery giving more cold shoulders than saphic wrestling matches. By the 2000's reality had been rebooted again and her mom told her stories about fighting in WWII and revealed that babies aren't actually made from clay, she was just one of Zeus's many illegitimate children, this time with his son Ares daughter, what woman doesn't feel empowered by the incest of the Gods?

Secret identity

The illegal immigrant known as Wonder Woman first committed identity fraud by obtaining the credentials of the army nurse "Lt. Diana Prince" and then became a military intelligence secretary. She quickly developed a completely forgettable supporting cast consisting of her boss and boyfriend, and later stalker Steve Trever, and, at various times, comic sidekick Etta Candy a stout, Saphic, sorority sister with a sugar addiction to arm candy; along with her barely legal posse the Holliday Girls. Settling down after the war, Wonder Woman took on semi-serious sidekicks Wonder Girl and Wonder Tot (time-traveling younger versions of herself), and her lookalike mother, the Drag Queen of the Amazons. Villains included: Egg Fu (a gigantic Communist egg with a tentacle-like Fu Manchu mustache and a thick Chinese accent); the Crimson Centipede (a giant red Libertarian insect with one hundred feet); the Blue Snow Man (a warm, pink Liberal woman overcompensating with a "telescopic snow ray"); Fredric Wertham (a crusader teleported into the 1940's who accuses Wonder Woman of being a lesbian; Adolf Hitler and His Nazis™ (a state run by sexually-repressed Fascists which invaded and occupied defenseless countries to increase its power, unlike the American and British regimes which would never DREAM of doing such a thing); Ares (god of losing), the Dyke of Deception (a straight woman who leaves behind a chain of heartbroken women by disguising herself as a Lesbian), stereotypical alien races (warriors from Mars, fairies from Venus, the Meth Maniacs of Mercury, the Joss-Sniffers of Jupiter, the icy dwarfs from Pluto, etc.); mythical creatures (like colossal winged dragons, the giantess slavers of Atlantis, or African-American hockey players); and countless male criminals who, in the stories' final panels, would learn the importance of gender equality in a single sex prison.

Powers

According to ancient Greek legends written on linear DC tablets in 1959, Wonder Woman was blessed by the gods and can beat up Hercules and outrun Hermes which would technically make her considerably stronger and faster than Golden Age Superman, although she never actually demonstrates the full extent of her powers as her kinky bracelets restrain her abilities lest she become free to "destroy like a man!". Diana is as smart as Athena and as hot as Aphrodite, and being immune to electricity means she could probably give Zeus a run for his drachma as well. As princess of paradise island Wonder Woman also get's a way better plane than Batman does, as hers is invisible, with a silent motor and the on board robotic guidance system isn't the size of a lonely mansion of vacuum tubes.

Wonder Woman can block rifle fire with her bracelets made of the Aegis of Zeus by moving her arms really fast, although no one she faces seems to be smart enough just to shoot her with a shotgun or use a flame thrower, not that she couldn't just move out of the way given she runs as fast as a car, or swing her invincible lasso in such a fashion it twists in the air blocking all the gunfire or makes a whirlwind to deprive the flames of oxygen. Shooting Wonder Woman in the head wouldn't even necessarily be the end of her, seeing as her Purple Ray can apparently undo fatal brain injuries even after clinical death effectively giving her extra lives. Between these abilities and using her lasso to climb up buildings and slingshot herself between trees, as well as her ability to jump on a trampoline off screen, Wonder Woman is basically a video game ninja that really wouldn't look all that out of place in a fighting game full of supermodels like Dead or Alive, albeit a ninja whose only disguise is a pair of glasses and one who wears a brightly colored and revealing outfit. Considering her creation was inspired as much by centerfolds as suffragettes and she's an ancient Greek warrior who uses a lasso as a weapon, Wonder Woman could easily be mistaken for that dominatrix with the blade whip in Soul Calibur. However, none of Wonder Woman's amazing powers and abilities or her dedication to the safety and well being of others actually matters to society at large, because she is still a woman and thus most people don't trust her having power over them; as men fear she will rip off their testicles and eat them, and women are afraid they might subconsciously be gay for her; like John Lennon said, "Woman Is The Mutant Of The World".

Justice League membership

Wonder Bra?

Much like all members of the Justice League, Wonder Woman had to complete a series of impossible tasks to gain entrance to the Justice League. Her membership was assured when she uprooted a mountain from the Rockies and carried it to Rhode Island; carved out an interior with her bare hands and provided it with mod furniture from her boutique, and using "Lesbian concentration," was able to keep the dirt floor spotlessly clean. In contrast, Aquaman gained entrance to the League by providing the headquarters with an awesome aquarium; Flash was voted in when he collected all their fan-mail in seconds; and Green Arrow joined when he provided a dart board for the recreation wing in the form of having Speedy ~~Two~~ stand real still holding an apple in his mouth.

Wonder Woman's exertions on behalf of the League, however, did not go unnoticed by her male colleagues. In a unanimous decision, they voted her to the role of honorary secretary so she could support the men when she wasn't off throwing tanks into planes, getting shot at for fun or punching out Nazi's. Go get em boys!

After the employment discrimination lawsuit, Wonder Woman received a sizable out of court settlement from the league which she used to start a clothing boutique that she ran throughout the 70's, business did well with a steady stream of customers like Black Canary and Zatanna who were constantly in need of new pairs of stockings, always getting them torn up in street fights with knife wielding maniacs and getting stained with the blood of criminals.

The television series

In a blatant advertising tie-in, during the final season of the televison series, Wonder Bread was Wonder Woman's sidekick for a brief time, prior to being eaten once the contract was over.

In the 1970s American television was awash with strong, independently minded female characters. Critics bemoaned the lack of two dimensional female characters in skimpy outfits pandering to male audiences need for polyester, polyamorist, psychological, propaganda, and thus the Wonder Woman television series was born.

After an exhaustive talent search, lasting all of twenty minutes, it was decided that then US President Jimmy Carter's daughter, Lynda, should take the role. Erin Gray didn't even get a look in, despite having screen-tested positive for the role.

At first the show was set during World War II, with the main villains being Nazis. Producers hoped that the combination of a scantily clad woman and healthy doses of fascism would provide a winning formula with the American public. And they were right. However the show suffered much rivalry with The Six Million Dollar Woman (about the adventures of America's most expensive hooker) and ratings suffered as a consequence.

Critics claimed that the World War II setting meant that Ms. Carter's skimpy costume was not revealing enough, and that the subtle 'high comedy' scripts were too intellectual for most viewers, who simply wanted their nice family friendly Stalag fiction. Also at the same time, in a bid to gain further funding, the producers of the Wonder Woman show signed an exclusive deal with a major polyester clothing manufacturer. All this meant that when season two of the show aired, the setting had been moved to modern day 1970s, the title character's costume was even more revealing, the scripts were even more dumbed down.

To further promote the miracle man-made fibre, Wonder Woman adopted a new head-to-toe polyester 'wonder swimming outfit', 'wonder motorcycle outfit', 'wonder astronaut outfit' and (in one episode) 'wonder spot welding mask and gloves'.

Wonder Woman faced many costumed villains in these episodes, including the Turtlenecked-Karate-Chief, the Turtlenecked Stooge, and the Turtlenecked-Motorcyclist. As Wonder Woman is nothing if not fair, she would give herself a handicap so as to make the villains feel better about their abilities, the first step in Wonder Woman's Villain-Transformation technique. For instance, she would often ride a motorcycle to chase her adversaries, when she was clearly faster on foot; or she would often take a refreshing dip in a pool before swimming after a villain making a getaway in a boat. Sometimes she would simply stop chasing a foe altogether, a crucial step in the process of augmenting the villain's feeling of self-worth.

Wonder Woman's best friend in these episodes were a snide, know-it-all computer, and a robot chihuahua who could produce mail, travel tickets, and suntan lotion from its butt. In a controversial episode inspired by Margaret Sanger, Wonder Woman falls in love with the reformed criminal Plastic Man and uses him as a contraceptive to become sexually liberated.

Holy molars! Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!

Wonder Woman's Hollywood career went kaput after the tabloids took this photo of what she claims was torture by toddlers.

The lyrics of the television theme tune were as so:

"Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,"

"The world is tired of waiting for you,"

"To do your lipstick and pick a dress,"

"Just wear your satin tights,"

"We're sure you'll look alright,"

"Even if the cold may turn you blu-u-u-e."

"Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman."

"How long must we keep waiting for you,"

"To fix your hair and earrings too..?,"

"We're sure you just can't loose,"

"In those high heeled shoes,"

"No, your bum ain't too big, that's the tru-u-u-th!!"

"Wonder Woman,"

"Gets me out from under, Wonder Woman."

"All our hopes are pinned upon you,"

"And the magic that's sublime,"

"If you'd just vacate,"

"The bathroom before it's too late,"

"You might actually solve some cr-i-i-i-me!!!"

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,

You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

Film

Recently Gal Gadot took on the role and like Hercules has traded places with Atlas, carrying the weight of the DC Extended Universe on her shoulders as she waits for the rest of the league to finally get their shit together and get a decent review on Rotten Tomatoes without someone having to hack into it with the Batcomputer. It's a good thing Wonder Woman's immortal because it could be a while. She still wasn't strong enough to carry her teammates' dead weight, but hopefully audiences can still look forward to her carrying Chris Pine over her shoulder in Wonder Woman 2.

Wonder Woman

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