Tails the Straight
Tails the Straight aka Tails the Breeder aka Tails the Hetero (b. August 2, 1980) is a counterpart of Miles "Tails" Prower from a parallel universe. He is much like Tails the Fox; however, Tails the Straight is a raging heterosexual. Despite, or perhaps because of his raging heterosexuality, Tails the Straight remained a virgin until his shocking heterosexual marriage to Sally Acorn. It is rumored that he engages in constant straight sex with his wife, exclusively in the missionary position, the straightest form of heterosexual sex known to man or beast. All this straight, married sex has resulted in several legitimate offspring, to the utter disgust of all of Mobius.
Early History[edit]
Tails the Straight is a counterpart of Miles, "Tails" Prower from a parallel universe, a parallel universe in which Tails is straight, hence the name. Little is known about about his home universe or how he got here, although it is rumored that Nintendo was involved in bringing him to this dimension.
Tails the Straight first arrived on Mobius in 1992, remembering very little about his origins. He was quickly accepted by the other Mobians, although many believed there was something strange about this new version of Tails. His handwriting was horrible, and he could neither decorate a room nor coordinate an outfit to save his life. Yet, his ability to repair appliances and automobiles soon became almost legendary. Many of his friends initially thought that he was a really butch top. However, when he began to make frequent sexual advances directed at women, and possibly also because his name is "Tails the Straight", rumors began circulating that Tails the Straight was in fact a heterosexual. He soon came out of the closet, admitting to having an un-unnatural desire to have intercourse with females. This caused many of his former friends to abandon him, and Tails the Straight became a pariah on Mobius. Instead of hiding his straightness, Tails the Straight reveled in it; it quickly became known that Tails the Straight was no ordinary breeder, but a flaming über-heterosexual. To prove his epic straightness, he entered the Great Straightness Competition of 1993.
The Great Straightness Competition of 1993[edit]
The Great Straightness Competition was a annual world-wide gathering of raging heterosexuals to determine who was the straightest person in the world. It had its origin in a quite heated discussion between U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt and German Emperor Wilhelm II over who was the most heterosexual man alive. To decide the issue, they agreed to hold a competition between themselves, and any other man who was man enough to join, to determine who was the straightest person in the world, the winner receiving the title of Hetero-Lord. The first competition, held in 1904, was narrowly won by Kaiser Wilhelm, primarily because his name was much more manly and fear inspiring than the 2nd place challenger, Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt. Roosevelt, after changing his nickname to Ted, asked for a rematch, and the Kaiser agreed, on condition that it be made into an annual competition. Since then, the title of Hetero-Lord had passed among many of the most famous heterosexuals of the 20th century, including such notable men as Benito Mussolini, John Wayne, Charles Bronson, the Reverend Fred Phelps, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Chuck Norris, Axl Rose and Mr. T.
In 1993 Tails the Straight entered the 90th annual Great Straightness Competition, using his legendary straightness to soundly defeat all his rivals, including two of the former winners, Mr. Norris and Mr T. horribly. He then utterly disgusted all present with his gratuitous displays of straightness. This excessive heterosexuality sickened and shocked all present. Tails the Straight was declared Hetero-Lord for life (later extended to all eternity), on condition that he never produce such an extreme display of heterosexuality again.
Straight Marriage[edit]
After becoming the Hetero-Lord, Tails the Straight turned his attention to seducing Sally Acorn, the object of his un-unnatural desires. Due to his persistence, and epic straightness, Tails the Straight has able to infect Sally with teh str8. The two were soon married in what may have been the first straight marriage ceremony in Mobius. Several Mobians sued to stop the wedding, arguing that straight marriage is an abomination against the laws of God. However, no law against straight marriage existed, probably because no one ever thought such a strange thing would ever be attempted. Therefore, nothing could be done to prevent the marriage between a male and a female. After the marriage, Tails and Sally engaged in obscene levels of really, really straight sex on their honeymoon specifically and strictly in the missionary position.
Children & Fempreg[edit]
Due to their frequent straight sexual encounters, Sally, despite being a female, eventually became heavy with child. This novel condition was soon labeled "fempreg", a combination of the words female and mpreg . This condition of "fempreg" thoroughly disgusted the populace and baffled the medical doctors of Mobius; such a condition was previously believed to have been impossible. After many ultra-sounds, it was determined that the baby was growing in Sally's uterus, of all places, and most shockingly, it appeared that the baby would be born out of her vagina! When Sally's obstetrician first told her, several nurses present fainted from disgust and sheer horror. Sally's doctors suggested that she undergo a c-section, not knowing how safe vaginal birth would be, or even if it would be possible. She concurred; unfortunately, she went into labor before her appointment, and gave birth to Tails the Straight's son, Tails the Straight Jr, vaginally.
Tails the Straight Jr. appears to be turning out to be as straight, if not even straighter than his father, if such a thing is possible. Although he is still a young child, he is exhibiting many straight behaviors, such as pronouncing the letter "s" differently than "th", sort of like a voiceless "z"; playing with toy trucks and plastic guns at the complete and utter exclusion of dolls; killing small animals for the fun of it; and possessing unbelievably stiff wrists and penis. As expected, other children constantly make fun of Tails the Straight Jr. because his mother, shockingly, gave birth to him and because of his obvious straightness, calling him a "bush-goblin", in reference to fact he was birthed out of a vagina.
Tails the Straight Today[edit]
Due to the oppression of heterosexuals in Mobius, and the fact that his son was permanently expelled from school for his heterosexual antics, Tails the Straight has recently moved his family to the much more straight-friendly environment of Oklahoma. He currently works as a car mechanic and part time as a cattle rancher, the straightest occupations known to man.
Controversy Surrounding Tails' Heterosexuality[edit]
One iteration of Tails includes the almighty Titan Tails from a comic book that was later murdered by an angry virgin who will remain nameless. A bunch of Tails' all got together or some shit to fight an elephant...I dunno, this was the result. Researchers are still investigating whether this phenomenon makes Tails a 1 or even 2 on the Kinsey Scale. One Scientist is commented as saying:
| “ | I mean, seriously. How are we supposed to take Tails' heterosexuality for granted after a shit show like this? I mean fuck, we probably need to reevaluate the entire series now. Fuck it baffles me; who thought Titan Tails was a good idea? Curse the weeb asshole who decided to shit all over readers with this crap; He didn't even come back to kill the comic for over ten years! What a savage prick. Fuck me, just look at this totally unaltered frame; disgraceful! At least Tails was friggin tolerable when you put him up next to Amy Rose and Charmy Bee. Oh Black Jesus, don't even get me started on Charmy; he's the Bat Mite of the entire cast of characters. Still, I'd rather read a Charmy Bee x Bark The Polar Bear fanfic than ever have to read this dumb as hell Titan Tails shit again. If it hasn't sunk in yet, how can anyone look at this giant rat bastard and not think, "wow, this is dumb as shitfuck stew." It's lame and everyone knows it! | ” |
In short, the Titan Tails story arc was gay and retarded and was liked by nobody.
