Gold

GOLD!!!

“More often than not, gold is more useful at taking down a woman, than taking her out.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Gold

Gold is a very special type of wood. Gold is also the opposite of silver although, strangely, silver isn't the opposite of gold. It is owned by the Jews.

In the beginning the world was flat, but then someone struck gold. Ever since the world have been getting rounder and rounder. Gold is used to make jewelry, and has been for years. It has recently been changed from gold to bling bling by African Americans and it's a good bling combination with Diamonds, and hence, has been found to have new chemical properties among African Americans. When the gold is made into a chain and placed around the neck of an African American the mineral itself is absorbed due to the abundance of pigment. This absorption causes affects like:

• Lack of control of the part of the brain that affects speech, which has spawned rappers.
• A sixth sense to detect white women (this comes in handy when robbing a Curves).
• A complete loss of common sense. Some experts say that gold could in fact be parasitic, taking over the brain of the victim causing a drive to put on more "bling" (see "Mr. T").
• A desperate need for attention. This often occurs in white rappers.
• Accidental strangulation due to the excess length of all chains.

The periodic table chemical symbol for gold is "Gold". This was decided upon to avoid any confusion. It was decided on over "Stop looking at other women." and is located right next to "You never do the washing up!" and below "My mother was right - I should never have married you."

Gold costs many dollars and is very rarely given away. This is owing to its unique property of being the only metal known to mooglity that can be transformed spontaneously into a moral code (the Golden Rule).

Gold can always be found on trees. Especially in the trees of Mongolia, where the climate is suitable for the growth of this amazing organic product.

Gold can be used to cure cancer. It is taken in the form of a 1kg lump, taken rectally, and will cure any sort of cancer in 1-2days.

Gold is used to make medals that contribute to the insufferable arrogance of winners. I mean come on, you already won. You beat everyone else. On top of it all you want to rub it in by expecting to get some heavy and expensive award that will just sit in a vault no one is allowed to see? People with gold should be hunted by those with silver bullets.

Manufacture

In Medieval times a great deal of effort was expended on finding a way to extract gold from lead. At one point, the demand placed on lead-reserves by these experiments created a world shortage of pencils. These efforts were ultimately fruitless, (resulting in the return of the Crusaders). This is unsurprising, since gold is not a component of lead. As we now know, gold is in fact produced from the dried blood of dragons. When a dragon is slain it's dried blood gradually turns to gold as the wizard dragon slayer absorbs the mana released from it's blood. When the mana is fully extracted from the bodily fluids, it turns to gold.

Historical attempts at producing gold have also included the following :

• Boiling up bankers' boots and scooping up the gunge
• Waiting for Canada Geese to lay Canadian eggs. The Bank of England is currently trialling this.
• Soaking canaries in absinthe, followed by centrifuging in a nuclear reactor
• Vigorously waving celebrities' underwear and watching for dust particles
• Placement of yellow objects in bank vaults and waiting for the fairies

Uses of gold

• To attract animals of the female gender as their attraction to shiny objects is well known. Fishes are also attracted to shiny metal, corn (because of it's golden colour) and pylons.
• Create bling-bling to ward off evil spirits. Asians though have been known to use Jade as it is cheaper.

• Making crappy tools, as Minecraft so eloquently shows.
• Chemistry: very well know between high school students (primarily those studying chemistry at a high level) in this chemical reaction:
  • Everything → Gold

  Where "Everything" is defined as "Everything except binding (paper wrapped around schoolbooks)"

• Used to buy things in Europe. Gold coins come in several varieties, including the galleon and fake teeth.
• Three gold doubloons can buy you a fish burger.
• A fish burger can only buy you two gold doubloons, however. Odd, eh?
• Also used to throw at the head of random passerby. This is very common in Arizona.
• In the USA gold is also used to wiretap phones.
• Also used for gilding your gold with more gold.
• As an explosive, inserted into the ears of cows to create pepperoni, hot dogs and gelatin.
• Gold is used to trick thieves into thinking they are stealing something valuable when in fact the price of gold is one cent per 1-pound tetrahedron.
• Gold can be crafted into cool looking pickaxes, axes, swords, and hoes, as well as golden armor. Although it is practically useless, it does look good. Gold is practical for making watches and as of 1.0.0, smashing into nuggets with which to use in alchemy

Shortages

Gold is running out and quick. Since April 1st 1992 the worlds gold percentages have more then halved. This is of course due to the Jews. The Jews are well known for their gold eating abilities, these Jews are called the munchers. One notorious muncher known all around the world as Munchy Gold has recently been identified as none other then Christian Brothers College student Preston Harrison. Preston is wanted all over the world for gold theft. It is believed that his whole insides are gold, just inside of him, there are just millions of dollars of gold waiting for who ever kills the Great Munchering son of a bitch Jew.

Preston Harrison is also well known for as he calls "taming of the animals." However as we all know this is not the case, Mr Harrison is not only wanted for his gold theft, he is also wanted as an exploiter of animals. He is well known for his sexual urges over animals, which frequently he gives into, torturing the nearest animal he can find, in many cases being dogs. Many Jews have sexual urges for animals because it is a side effect of wanted more gold. The Jews are the reason why Africa is so poor so we should really be blaming Preston for the conflicts in Africa. Preston Harrison' life long dream is to build a statue made out of Jew gold which resembles a Great Dane. In memory of the his favourite video "The 3 hottest lesbians you will ever see'. This stars a Great Dane and two Asian people. Some famous quotes that many Jews have made about women they have become attracted to are "Aaawwww she has a puppy dog face" or "She doesn't look like a Great Dane does she"

Whenever Jews can't do something they usually pay in their Jew gold to fix the problem. Take Preston Harrison for example. Whenever he doesn't have any real money on him he immediately guides his hand to the bag of gold that all Jews have around their neck. He then pays for food with his jew gold which he fills up later when he goes home and puts it in the jew gold pot weighing 3 tonnes. This shows just how greedy the Jews are.

Ahh! Golden!!

Drug Use

Gold is used for BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING. Gold is also a very potent drug. With the proper tools a person would be able to experience a mind bending high called a Gold Rush. However, false reports made up by some heroine addict while he was bored recent studies prove that a gold rush gives you about 1337% of your daily recommended intake of gold. Every country except the United States has declared gold rushes legal. You Americans are missing out on nothing at all so much!

It is also thought that gold is the cure for cancer. You have to whack yourself in the head with it a couple of million of times. Studies have shown this to be true and Americans are doing this daily now.

BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING. Bling. blin-

CHART OF PRIMARY COLOURS – Colours – Colors

Brown Red Orange Gold Yellow Olive Green Cyan Blue Indigo Purple Violet Pink Black Gray/Grey Silver White Beige

Periodic table of the elements

H

​

He

Li

Be

​

B

C

N

O

F

Ne

Na

Mg

​

Al

Si

P

S

Cl

Ar

K

Ca

Sc

Ti

V

Cr

Mn

Fe

Co

Ni

Cu

Zn

Ga

Ge

As

Se

Br

Kr

Rb

Sr

Y

Zr

Nb

Mo

Tc

Ru

Rh

Pd

Ag

Cd

In

Sn

Sb

Te

I

Xe

Cs

Ba

Lu

Hf

Ta

W

Re

Os

Ir

Pt

Au

Hg

Tl

Pb

Bi

Po

At

Rn

Fr

Ra

Lr

Rf

Db

Sg

Bh

Hs

Mt

Ds

Rg

Cn

Nh

Fl

Mc

Lm

Ts

Og

​

La

Ce

Pr

Nd

Pm

Sm

Eu

Gd

Tb

Dy

Ho

Er

Tm

Yb

Ac

Th

Pa

U

Np

Pu

Am

Cm

Bk

Cf

Es

Fm

Md

No

Compounds: Idiotic Table • Canadian Table • Euclid's Elements • Noble gases • Unununium • Unobtanium