JUST FOR THE RECORD
As footballers go, Norwegians have looser tongues than most. It's the law. Whether it's Vegard Heggem revealing how his pre-season training was disturbed by young boys shouting: "You're shit," at him, or Steffen Iversen moaning about being woken up at 3am by the filming of Bridget Jones' diary, it seems they can't stop sounding off. So imagine our anticipation, no really, when we attended a press conference announcing Rangers' Scottish record signing of Tore Andre Flo from Chelsea for £12m.
What an anti-climax. Because on the flight to Scotland something seems to have happened to poor Tore ("nothing to do with me!" - Squadron Leader Fiver). He looks the same. Heck he even sounds the same. But his personality has been stripped, leaving only a walking footie-speak computer programme in its place. "I like Chelsea very much. It is a great club. But unfortunately for me I was not playing enough, so I had to do something. I am very happy to get this opportunity," Flo revealed robotically, adding the old favourite: "I wanted to go to a club that can win something and I believe we can do it here."
Realising that Tore was doing little to get our mind off Brian Woolnough's Bouffant (parked right in front of us, and held up by John Frieda lacquer), the Fiver fed Tore a sitter and asked if he was excited at the prospect of making his debut against Celtic. But even that failed! "I've watched derby games on TV and I understand it is very important for the people here," he explained, before dashing off to buy a light emitting diode.
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ALL MOUTH AND NO £18M TRANSFER
The good angels and the bad devils are still out on Rio Ferdinand's shoulder, debating the pros and cons of a move to Leeds. "We hear the nightlife's great", says the devil, while the angel, in a high voice, suggests "You wouldn't want to make poor Harry cry, would you?" It is true that the rolling Yorkshire countryside is no Peckham High Street, but then Lucas Radebe is no Stevie Potts either. Yes, there's a lot for young Rio to weigh up (including a big pile of cash marked: "Your first week's wages") so it's not entirely surprising that there is no decision expected from Rio before tomorrow.
But that hasn't stopped the rumour mill from breaking free of its moorings and running amok through East London. First of all, quite a few of tomorrow's fish papers had 'Appy 'Arry down as a dead cert to sign Rigobert Song from Liverpool for £2.5m. Some even said it would happen today. But it didn't and one of the increasing number of West Ham officials (Terry Brown, Peter Barnes and now) Paul Aldridge said: "I can assure you that nothing like that is going to happen here today, and maybe never."
Big boo. Other bits of goss persist: the Hammers are in for Perugia's Mauro Milanese, 'Arry wants PSG's Sylvain Distin, but nothing looks like happening today, and maybe never. Maybe Frederic Kanoute will never leave Upton Park either. The French forward, who impresses everyone with his skills, and not many with his goals, has been the subject of an £8m approach from Chelsea. The Hammers turned the bid down, but in this day and age that doesn't mean an awful lot. Far more valuable is the fact that Freddie has told his own website: "Let me tell you something: the day I leave West Ham I will choose a side where I'll be a regular in the team." A ringing endorsement if ever we heard one.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"All I can say is that I am very flattered by the suggestions. It is obvious I am out of work at the moment and I am looking at a way back into football."
Steve Bruce tries the "Give me the job because I'm unemployed" approach to landing the manager's job at Hearts.
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FORSS MAJEUR
Who would have thought it? The same day that fashionable boutique Chelsea's of Chelsea flog their remaindered Norwegian to some Glaswegian bowler hat distributors, little Crystal Palace get a phone call. The phone call, which the Fiver was not privilege to, probably went a little something like this: "Hi, this is Claudio Ranieri's translator here. See we lent you prodigal Finnish striker Mikael Forssell for the whole season? Well we kind of want him back." "Well you can't have him." "Why?" "Cos rule is rules." "Mr Ranieri would like to say something." "Yeah, what's that?" "*@&#!!!!"
Yes, it's funny how the iniquities of Football League law only seem to bite when you're a striker light. Forssell, who was out of first team contention at Stamford Bridge, hasn't exactly impressed at Selhurst Park either, scoring two goals in 12 starts and losing his starting place to transfer-listed Clinton Morrison. But Forssell has been loaned to the Eagles for the entire season and, according to the Football League, that means the player stays with the club for the entire season. What planet are they living on?
"It is made clear to the clubs involved that this is a commitment for a whole season, and the effect is the same as a player signing a one-year contract with a club", a League spokesman said today. "We cannot change the rules halfway through a season." Which didn't impress Colin Hutchinson, Chelsea's Captain Peacock, one bit. "It is very unfortunate that Mikael Forssell is stranded at Crystal Palace", he said, to the accompaniment of a string quartet. "We have appealed to the Football League, with the support of Crystal Palace, but the League are just quoting the rule book at us." But don't worry Colin, we sense the people are right behind you.
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THE RUMOUR MILL
Alen Boksic is being linked with a move to Panathinaikos after visiting the team at their hotel in Manchester earlier this week, reports Teamtalk.
Newcastle are lining up a move for Bayer Leverkusen's Croatian international Robert Kovac, reports Teamtalk.
Dean Windass is a target for Celtic and Charlton Athletic, claims Planet Football.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
South Africa striker Benni McCarthy could be coming to England after all, despite his club Celta Vigo rejecting a £9m bid from Aston Villa. McCarthy's agent Rob Moore told Planet Football: "I really believe he will end up in England. He is itching to get to the Premier League."
Former Bradford City manager Chris Hutchings could team up with Paul Jewell again after applying to run the Sheffield Wednesday Youth Academy.
Steve Bruce had admitted he is interested in the vacant manager's job at Hearts - but he refused to confirm whether he was on the shortlist being considered by chief executive Chris Robinson. "It is obvious I am out of work at the moment and I am looking at a way back into football," he admitted. "Hearts are a big club but we will wait and see."
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TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO (JON "FOWL UP" FOWLER SPECIAL)
BBC 2: Match of the Day Live: Olympiakos v Liverpool (6.50pm)
Look Jon, it's not that difficult: The first half is on BBC 2.
BBC 1: Match of the Day Live: Olympiakos v Liverpool (8pm)
And the second half is BBC 1. So you've got to turn over, otherwise you'll end up watching Fred Dibnah's Magnificent Moments. OK?
British Eurosport: Uefa Cup Football: Olympiakos v Liverpool (9.45pm)
Oh we give up. And we're not the only ones.
Sky Sports 1: Football League Review (6.30pm)
"Jon Fowler is a muppet," reckons Justin Toland.
Fifa TV (7pm)
"Sack the cretin," cries Richard Buchanan.
Spanish Football (7.30pm)
"Having just returned from a few days in Calgary, I think young Jon's punishment should be to spend a weekend in Owen Hargreave's hometown. After 48 hours of non-stop country music (and alas not a snap of Shania Twain in sight) on every radio channel and arctic temperatures would soon set him straight," says Simon Vaughan.
Sky Sports 3: Classic World Cup Football (10.30pm)
"Skin the bastard's balls, fry them in butter and serve them in microscopic portions to all your subscribers," reckons Clive Milone.
World ITV: Football (3.10pm)
"Public hanging isn't good enough - but it's a start. Shall we say 8pm, Parliament Square, next Friday?" says Ed Barker.
Channel 4: Football Italia (3.55am)
Unfortunately Jon's got his supporters, though
Channel 5: Jonathon Pearce's Football Night (12.05am)
"Please thank Jon for his mistake," beams Clint Barnes. "Although one hour late for a 45 minute meeting this morning, I was later able to gather the attendees together, wave Jon's email in their faces and proudly proclaim: "SEE, SEE! I told you I wasn't the biggest screw-up on the planet!" There's a very real possibility his goof saved my job, so Jon Fowler - I SALUTE YOU!"
Dutch Football (12.35am)
"On behalf of the recently formed Save Jon Fowler Campaign I demand that he be granted clemency, a full pardon, and a knighthood (unless he is a Man Utd fan)," says Brendan Richardson. "Long live Jon Fowler!"
Argentine Football (2.15am)
"Noooooooo please don't hurt him," says 'Lonely of Leamington Spa. "Thank you Jon. You brought a glad smile to a sad, neglected woman's face for a few brief seconds. How many men could say that on a Tuesday morning?"
International Football (3.55pm)
Not us, that's for sure. We're too busy doing manly things. Like not sending out rogue emails.