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Reviews
Getting Lucky (1989)
Dances with barbarians
What an utterly, utterly bizarre film. I bought this on DVD for a couple of bucks because it looked like a pretty cool Revenge of the Nerds knock-off... but I got so much more! I got leprechauns that are small but are conveniently trapped in bottles so there's no need for special effects! I got horses that are in the film for no reason other than horses are cool! I got a house-sized set that was meant to be a girl's pubic region (wouldn't it smell in real life?). And of course I got a barbarian (!?) Yes a barbarian. I don't know why. But I got a barbarian.
And I won't even mention that tennis racquet (too late...) Was it a good film? On its budget, yes, very enjoyable. I rubbed my eyes comically until I got a headache and had to lie down with a cold flannel. Definitely worth the ten bucks I paid for it. Check this out if you get the chance, there's absolutely nothing else like it out there.
And it has a freakin' BARBARIAN!
Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1990)
Funny man's gremlins
I love this film. That might sound unusual here, but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! It's like a Porky's movie with drunken puppets, how can you possibly go wrong? Yes its lowbrow, yes its cheap and nasty, but that's exactly what I love about it. Plus its got Jason Scott Lee being obsessed with a stereo.
The Ghoulies series is a bit of a mixed bunch. The first is a camp possession movie, with a couple of token appearances by the little guys. I gotta say, it kinda sucked, even though there were a few inspired moments. Ghoulies II was a surprisingly good little monster movie... and it had a Shakespeare-quoting midget in it! Many good childhood memories of this one. The fourth and final movie was god-awful. I've never seen a movie that doesn't "star" Ben Affleck that's sucked that much. But in amongst this assortment of barely related titles is Ghoulies Go To College, a hilarious romp through frat life from the perspective of three intoxicated little creatures.
This certainly isn't a horror movie, I wouldn't even call it a horror/comedy. It's just a dumb little movie with a big heart, big tits and some of the best one-liners this side of Citizen Toxie. Go into it expecting juvenile humour and kooky hijinks (and maybe even shenanigans) and you just might have a new favourite on your hands. Or maybe thats just goofy glue ;)
Ship to Shore (1993)
Hermes: Cooler than a frozen cabbage
I loved this show when I was growing up. I was around the same age age the gang when they first showed it, and watching this show was like being on an endless holiday. Looking back at it, Ralph was a total goose, but I liked him anyway. Kelvin was...well everyone's got a "Kelvin" living down the road, a red-haired loser that wears flannos and no one likes. Julie was pretty hot. Babe was kind of annoying.
But then there's HERMES! Hermes is the greatest Australian television star ever. He's better than Nudge and "The Fat Kid" from Hey Dad put together. He's cooler than that Gothic Edward character from Home and Away. He was really Australia's answer to The Fonz, only cooler and fatter. If I was that teacher, I'd be giving Hermes herpes.
But of course they had to make some more series didn't they? Season two was kinda cool but lost the whole 'adventure' thing and turned into a show about fighting big business (can anyone explain why they wanted to build an Olympic pool on Circe Island? There's 25 people there and they're all too poor to afford the entry fee. And you just know that Kelvin would urinate in it). And the third series? Geraldine as the main character? No Ralph? A race horse being trained on the island??!! It sucked.
More shows like this please Mr Australian TV. Less of those crappy shows that are half Aussie, half Irish or whatever.
And BRING BACK HERMES!!!!!
Bananaman (1983)
Have a banana!
Bananaman is a great show. I must've watched each episode half a dozen times (ABC had great afternoon kids shows, but not a whole lot of variety). The way he ate bananas was great, I just wish they'd do a crossover with 'Bananas in Pyjamas', but they might have to put it on later at night.
I always wondered what would happen if Eric ate an apple or a watermelon. At least they wouldn't be quite as suggestive as a banana. I mean it's bad enough dressing up like a fruit...but a banana!!?? All up, good show, wish they still made it, but I suppose then the networks would have to show one less of those Nickelodeon shows. Give me a sexually ambiguous, man-boy bananaman anyday!
Phantom of the Megaplex (2000)
Too complicated
I woke up one day with a bad hangover, switched on the TV and this came on. It had fresh-faced teens, it had fresh-faced Mickey Rooney, it had giant inflatable monsters that somehow chase people around. All of that was fantastic, as was the amusing side story about some skanks, but I just found the whole story too complicated. I was lying in my bed eating a couple of sausage rolls, trying to frantically write down clues that could lead me to guess who the 'Phantom' was. I really thought it was the mum's new boyfriend. I guess it was all those references to the blue sofa that threw me off (which I was later told was something out of Greek mythology. The Mickey Rooney references apparently make more sense if you play them backwards).
Overall, it's probably a great movie for boffins and computer wizard's, who can strut around, pipe in hand, theorising on the inverted characters and social themes that are carefully woven withing the fabric of the film, and gloating at how they managed to guess the identity of the 'Phantom', but the rest of us should steer clear. Just another of those 'too-deep-for-their own good' Mickey Rooney movies. I love the guy, but he should have given up after Coyote Ugly.
Gringo (1985)
Raw and realistic
A great little film that shows up many of its larger-budget peers with its realistic depiction of drugs in New York City. We follow Gringo as he skates his way through the nightmarish drug dens that he calls home, all the time letting the viewer deeper into the mental and physical hell of his life.
Combining actual interviews with recreations of events from Gringo's life, Story of a Junkie achieves a level of realism and emotional impact that Trainspotting and its ilk cannot match. This is a truly dirty, depressing film that does not attempt to glamourise drugs. Its just a bunch of junkies trying to survive, but it works very, very well.
It's really great that Troma have released films like Story of a Junkie that would otherwise have been forgotten. With its low budget and difficult subject matter, this is the kind of movie that can unfortunately fall between the cracks. As it is, viewers have the chance to watch this fine piece of cinema in their own homes, safely away from the filthy, drug riddled streets of mid-80s NYC.
Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)
Bryan Brown's best performance
Bryan Brown is brilliant as the aptly named "Joel". My tips are that you fast forward through all the non-Brian parts and just watch "Joel" weave his magic.
Watch "Joel":
*Rent a boat! *Rent another boat! *Get yelled at! *Feel kinda sorry but not really!
And if you just watch his scenes, you can probably fit the whole movie into an ad break of "Queer as Folk" or "Full House" or something.
As well as having Bryan/ "Joel", this film (known as Dangerous Waters: SHARK ATTACK!!! in Australia, probably because we have neither spring nor breaks here, but plenty of dangerous things) also has some incredibly realistic sharks that turn up about twenty seconds from the end, a moronic geek that can't get sex but can make the world's greatest ever invention that really pisses off sharks, and date rape. There was so much date rape that this movie should have been called "Spring Break Date Rape" or "Bryan Brown Pops in Every Half Hour But The Rest Of The Movie's About Date Rape And Maybe Sharks, We're Not Sure".
Good stuff Bryan! Keep doing Australia proud!
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Great fun but no classic
Let's face it. I didn't want this movie to be made. I felt like kicking someone's dog when it was announced. How could the studios give first-timer Zack Snyder money to remake George Romero's classic, yet not give Georgie a couple of bucks to finish off his own series? I didn't watch this at the movies, even though I love James Gunn. It finally came out in its 'uncut' form on DVD and.... it was pretty cool. Some of the ideas were well executed (if unoriginal), Ving Rhames turned in a spirited performance and no, my copy of the original didn't mysteriously disappear after seeing this newer version.
The pace of the film was tight, the makeup was brilliant and I had a helluva time sitting through it. But afterwards...nothing. What I had seen was much like the popcorn I munched throughout, tasty but not exactly nutritious. Romero's original trilogy was like sitting down to a kilo steak, potatoes, chips and a fine glass of wine. You felt satisfied. Dawn of the Dead 2004 was so full of quick cuts, bloodless killings, CGI and paper thin characters that a week later, I could remember little about the movie other than a few key plot points and "hey...that's cool" moments.
These feelings were only heightened when I watched DotD '04 a couple of days after Romero's Land of the Dead, a film that managed to pack in as many hip, exciting scenarios whilst offering deep characters and and a thoughtful storyline. And you actually got to see the zombies. Snyder did great, but he couldn't get close to Romero.
But enough about Romero. Snyder's created an above-average horror flick that's a great way to pass a couple of hours. There's enough action in there to please even the fussiest of fans, some truly eerie imagery and is a fantastic addition to the genre. You just might have to grab a burger on the way home.