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AE: Apocalypse Earth (2013)
Anderson & Erikson: Apocalypse Earth: Alpha Earth
Behold, Adrian Paul stars as John Thundercock in AE: Apocalypse Earth (Alpha Earth), alongside Suspiciously Naked Woman Who Was A Model With No Acting Credits, Black Guy, White Kevin Hart, and Legally Not Data But Could Be If You Squint.
Listen, I'm not going to write a full synopsis here, but you make one good guess about the twist and I guarantee you've got it.
Our beloved bundle of idiots bumble around a mystery planet after crashing somehow, being chased by a guy hobbling around in a green bodysuit but reused like, 90 times, a cost cutting effort, I'm sure, so they dont need more actors, which clearly meant more money for visual effects that rival Brunswick bowling screens. It's ~80 minutes long and I suggest just not watching it. You're not gonna miss out if you never see it.
This being an Asylum flick means it's one of the generic DVDs you find in a clear baggy at a shoddy gas station, and further a ripoff of another movie. In particular, Will Smith's ' After Earth '. I will be blunt, you may find this more watchable, but truthfully I don't recommend either. Just go eat some plants outside, it's more enriching.
Skip, skip skip skip.
Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)
FNaF: Scott's Last Stand
Original review title: Willy's Wonderland ripoff, felt that was too baitey.
Bad. Horrible. Appalling. It's hit a very far down low, which is astounding given that other Blumhouse films are already treading that line.
Five Night's at Freddy's is indisputably a vastly popular franchise with many fan creations across the internet, either direct tributes or their own inspired creations. Some good, but most bad. This mainline entry to the series helmed by glass-jawed Scott Cawthon is certainly among the worst.
It has many references and easter eggs that hardcore fans will note, including Mattress Pattress of ' first guy to actually piss off Toby Foxx ' fame. It's very embarrassing. From the inclusion of Sparky to the end credits music (which is also one of the worst things to come out of the FNAF landfill), it's stuffed with fan service that's borderline nauseating.
The story is flat, you can see where it's going from the second you start it. There's nothing unique, and you already know the twists and turns inside.
You know who's who from the getgo, it tries to make it a surprise, but it doesn't work. Job counselor is exactly who you think he is. The cop is exactly who you think she is. The animatronics are who you think they are. One of the kids was stuck as a cupcake since like 1980 something and is unfathomably mad about it, not that I can blame him, I'd be pretty angry, too.
There's no horror here, once more they tried, and only succeeded in making slapstick with some of the funniest acts of violence, sewn together with nonsense plot.
Oh, the plot? Don't worry about it. At least four people go missing in the span of an hour at exactly one location after the protagonist leaves, one of which gets bitten in half during the funniest death scene I've witnessed. There's a subplot about the protagonist's aunt being a holy terror, she dies. The sister gets abducted by a ghost animatronic and takes a taxi to the pizzeria. None of this is relevant to anything and nothing ever happens concerning them.
There's nothing really to further elaborate. Here, imagine the most cookie cutter, predictable story. Now add FNAF in there somewhere. Good job, you just recreated this movie!
I highly recommend you do not watch this. Not even for the thrills. Don't give Scott your money. Don't give Blumhouse your money, especially- god knows they don't need to make another movie.
But seriously, check out Willy's Wonderland, way better than this could ever hope to be, and a lot more fun.
#Saraitda (2020)
Absolutely solid
Behold, another foreign wonder. Zombies as a genre aren't anything new, but it seems to be often forgotten that it's ripe for fresh takes, and #Alive mows down on that.
An intermix of fast zombies and slow zombies, both of which have cognitive functions beyond your standard shamblers- open doors, climb ropes, essentially the things that would result from muscle memory. Much like later Romero films, they retained a sense of what they were before, and it's used excellently here.
It lacks the social commentary that's normally ingrained in the fabric of the genre, but that's not always necessary for a good zombie movie.
A great watch, I highly recommend it if you're looking for a new entry to your favorites of the genre. Just... don't watch the American version.
Deliver Us from Evil (2014)
Close the door on it, slam the door, even.
The Doors are, if you ask me, a superfluous band with mediocre discography, but to the writer and director, Scott Derrickson, it's the second coming of Jesus.
Scotty was trying to make a horror movie, instead you get a slapstick comedy with intermittent ear rupturing jumpscares, littered with references to subpar rock bands.
There's nothing special in here, nothing new, and nothing scary. Based on a ' true story ' that's been drastically rewritten to be more dramatic, it's a hot mix of generic cop drama and inane Catholic horror that'll make you wish it wasn't two hours long.
It's an awful attempt at a movie, you can see the budget, and the trying, but by all means, it sucks. Pass.
Gokseong (2016)
An interesting start buckles under the weight of mediocre writing
Two and a half hours, for the first one or so, it's an interesting premise that quickly devolves to loud drum banging and ritualistic chanting interspersed with zig zags and indecisive genre veering.
It's got a mix of everything, but is unforgivably unsure of what it wants to be. This leads to confusing plot points and bizarre pacing, mashed with characters who respond to stress by going limp and screeching on the ground.
It's unpleasantly long and, as the last forty minutes drag on, if you haven't succumbed to a splitting headache from the eardrum rupturing rituals, you'll get one from the nonsense writing.
While it's pleasant to see a mashup of cultural spiritualism and beliefs over the stock standard Catholic horror, it feels like it tries too hard and ends up vomitng all over your television screen.
I will not dispute that the visuals, effects, and acting were worthy of praise. The film was excellently shot, and the actors truly played their characters to a mostly believable extent.
Like I said before, there's a lot of plot points that start and end in one scene, and they're tucked away by nonsense storytelling.
It's got a non ending, everyone dies, and thus renders two hours and forty minutes of your life gone to the ether. This is the most damning fault of this film, and every film that shares it: a non ending isn't new or groundbreaking, it's chosen either to be edgy or because the writer ran out of ideas. Regardless, it's a direct disregard for your time, and easily ruins the whole batch, as seen here.
Unless you have a very strong patience for this, I would avoid, but it wouldn't be right to not give praise where it's warranted.
A Demon Within (2017)
Tonight's Episode: The Writer's Barely-Disguised Fetish
Demon that specifically possessed ' young, vulnerable, women ' - zero coincidence that everyone involved in the creative process has an involvement in bizarre shorts that have questionable titles and descriptions.
Inside this blatant fetish film, it depicts a young lady and her mother, portrayed by actors that appear to be paid too little to care. Nothing happens in this movie until the daughter gets vacuumed into the attic and comes back sleep deprived.
Turns out the doctor had a wife and kid, the child is subject to the possession. Kid dies after daddio decides not to try the Jesus method, mom caps herself.
I guess there's a whole intro with the demon, but it never comes up again so don't worry.
Anyway, daughter starts being edgy, kills three people, all the whole doing the exact cliches you've seen in every other possession flick.
Ends with the mom getting possessed by the ex wife, apparently no one noticing.
Nothing new, nothing fun, nothing good. I was mostly joking about the fetish part, but I seriously think that's what this film is.
Pass.
Black Pumpkin (2018)
Black Pumpkin is thoroughly rotten
Not an abhorrently bad film, just nothing new. Same old curse of Ye Olde Time gets brought back on halloween and ends at midnight, ooOOOOOoOO. You've seen it a million times before, but it doesn't even try outside of that.
It has the stock standard tropes, the same character archetypes, the same ambiguous ending for a sequel, this time provided that it's funded exclusively by people who still get scared at the concept of a monster in their closet.
The violence was largely off screen, and what was shown was incredibly tame. The deaths were very plain and a lot of subplot hooks were never followed up on, so when characters died it wasn't ' oh no, not that guy ' it was ' oh, look, that one died too '.
Ironically, it showed Night of the Living Dead on TV in the background numerous times - I really wish I'd just watched that again, and I'm sure you will, too, if you watch this. Don't bother.
The Zombie King (2013)
The ' Shaun of the Dead ' at home.
If you were like me, you saw the other reviews and thought, ' kinda rude to compare this to one of the greatest zombie films of all time just because it's british '. Turns out, they were right to.
It's not a line-per-line recreation, but it sure walks that very narrow line between ripoff and homage.
Let's put that aside - what was good about this? The jokes warranted a good giggle every now and then, and not everyone was abysmal. It plays on one of my favorite angles of the zombie genre, taking on the view from an average person, not an ex cop, or a military badass.
But... Shaun of the Dead did this, and way better.
It's unavoidable to talk about it, down to the character dynamics and even some scenes were noticably replicated.
From the overweight sidekick succumbing in the final struggle, might I add in nearly the exact same fashion, to the protagonist being ignorant of the outbreak around them at the beginning, you can't pretend it's coincidental. With how off-brand this is, I'm surprised they didn't beat an inn-keeper with ping-pong paddles while Prince played on an iPod.
It drags, and in it's desperate attempt to imitate, it painfully drags.
The humor may be solid, but everything else is a disaster. The pacing is off, and they loved re-using the scene of the antagonist's wife dying - literally, shown three times. The story is non-existent, and while I mentioned the characters aren't bad, that doesn't mean they're good.
Not worth a watch unless you're morbidly curious. My advice? Watch Shaun of the Dead first, maybe that will satiate your hunger for British zombies.
The Boogeyman (2023)
Boogey wonder, man
Wherein every human being in immediate radius to this monster loses all higher brain function and will gladly walk into a running saw blade if you puppy-talked them enough.
It's nothing new, and it most certainly isn't anything to write home about. A lot of it is nonsense. The ' actions ' from the boogeyman border on slapstick comedy - I got light headed from laughing so hard at a scene that was supposed to be scary. You'll know it when you see it.
The acting is stiff and the character writing is abysmal, the effects aren't amazing, and while the monster is mildly freaky at first, it loses it's mystery after being shown one too many times.
Honestly? You could do worse for a late night viewing, it's not spectacular, but it's worth a go just for the fun of it.
Savageland (2015)
Solid zombie mockumentary with scathing social commentary
As is tradition in the zombie genre, and as it should be, this film portrays humanity at its lowest while stabbing at modern day politics.
Complete with a not-so-subtle Rush Limbaugh character, this flick mixes in reality with how it would be officially handled in America's current political climate in the circumstances given, and displays it as the central antagonist.
Blatant racism is majorly at play, obviously skewing character views and outcomes. It's not subtle about it, and I love that they weren't afraid to show the mental gymnastics people would go through to pin a tragedy on an illegal immigrant despite evidence of the contrary.
On the zombie subplot: it's a unique take on the genre, one that grew on me fast. The photographs leave a lot to the imagination. The blurry and distorted imagery accentuates the frantic atmosphere of that night. The lack of a clear visual for the shamblers increases the unnerving mood perfectly and makes you wonder just how horrific it would've been in person.
There's some glaring plotholes, but it's a solid story with excellent execution around a delicate matter, give it a watch.
Agnes (2021)
So self important it'd make an ouroboros blush
Look, I'm going to save you eighty minutes of your precious life energy and disclose what happens here in a very compact form.
Nuns sit down to eat cake. Nun throws a fit, throws cake at other nuns. They summon a priest and his lackey. They fail the exorcism. They call in a televangelist. He fails the exorcism.
In a violent one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn, we're now an undisclosed time into the future after the possessed nun possibly murdered the televangelist.
We're now following the misadventures of Mary, who goes through the routines of working at a convenience store and playing with laundry machines.
Mary goes to a comedy show. Frozen meat. Frozen. Meat.
Mary suffers a psychotic breakdown from such a side shredder of a joke that she creeps on the comedian, is introduced to his friends (who never show up again), then proceeds to try to eat his face.
Mary summons the lackey from whenever that part of the story was, and they talk for about 15 minutes in a cafe using a sandwich as a metaphor. The movie ends.
There is nothing here. Not even a new perspective on exorcism or the nuances of religion. It carries itself like it's a groundbreaking storytelling masterpiece when it's more like someone mixed up the footage when they were editing and mashed two of the worst stories I've ever seen together.
I'm sure there was important symbolism in the sandwich metaphor that the director/writer was absolutely creaming over because of their genius, but the Kevin MacLeod music forced me to disassociate because there was no way it was in a movie that may have had an exceptionally high budget.
It earned one thousand dollars domestically. I have never known a movie that deserved to earn less. This isn't high art, and anyone pretending it is may be missing their frontal lobe.
Trash it. Burn it. Get rid of it. Don't even watch the trailer.
Tell Me Your Name (2018)
Tell Me When Your Named Devil Came Along
You ever seen a movie that makes you feel like you're blinking in and out of consciousness, even though you were watching every frame? That's this movie.
I saw every second of this film, and I cannot tell you what happened in it. It shifted scenes every few minutes fast enough to be a test for epilepsy. Subplots, hooks, even main plot beats were just left behind, there's no passage of time outside of the initial ' ten years later ' - either this happens in the span of a week or it's the busiest two days of anyone's life.
Events happen off screen, you never get elaboration. Events happen on screen, things that shouldn't need elaboration, but are so bewildering you'd need to read the thoughts of whoever wrote this to even grasp what happened.
Pivotal characters die off screen, or die ambiguously, there's never anything more about it.
Demon Lord Zeraxos shows up a couple times and stares at people, I guess.
The movie ends with an establishing shot like they expected it to spawn a bunch of spinoffs and sequels, a cinematic universe of total garbage.
Please, don't.
The Rake (2018)
It's bad, Ben.
In my many years of watching horrible movies, I have never seen one so genuinely terrible. It's baffling, to be honest. This isn't even a fun bad or a ' that sucked ' bad, it's just textbook bad filmmaking. I cannot stress enough how this is, undeniably, the worst movie I have ever seen, and I've seen some real stinkers.
From the paper characters to the nonexistent story, the awful cinematography to the horrible pacing - not even the saving grace of a genuinely impressive monster appearance can rectify anything in this movie. There's exactly one high, and it's the monster, who's on screen for all of two minutes.
There's no one you want to see make it to the end in here, no one you sympathize with or want to see succeed. There's the siblings, both suffered childhood trauma, the adoptive sister, her husband, her husband's brother, and his husband's brother's girlfriend, as well as the traumatized brother's girlfriend.
These are all introduced like we knew them all. The scene transitions from the introductory murder to this new lady and some dudebro who appears to be Great Value Adrien Brody.
Everyone dies, except the adoptive sister, who we last see at the foot of the monster as emergency services arrive.
I won't divulge much, because there's nothing else to say - the monster kills people, everyone is horrible, unlikable, and generally poorly written, with an inconceivable number of plotholes in between.
I sincerely mean this when I say this is truly a horrible movie. There is no other movie that I would put down as far as this one, it's on its own brand of being trash. As I said before, I cannot stress enough that this may very well be the worst movie you will see, and not for fun.
Don't just avoid, pretend this movie doesn't exist, forget about it.
Big Bad Bugs (2012)
Big Bad Movie
Let's begin with trivia. Did you know that ' gadda ' radiation isn't a thing? It's a word with many results in Google, among the notable being a translation from Oromo for the word ' grief ', an emotion I would heavily associate with watching this, and allegedly a type of bed from India, a good indicator of where you'll want to go during this movie.
So, what is Big Bad Bugs? Aside from having a name that's really fun to say, there's nothing else going for it.
The protagonist is your average euphoric fedora-tipping redditor who broke up with his wife for some reason. The wife, who's like 20 years older, resents him, possibly rightfully so. Also, the new boyfriend, Chaddeus Maximus, who visibly struggles to put a sentence together when asked a yes/no question.
Wormholes begin to appear in the middle east... of California. Try as they may, it was very clearly the Californian desert, and it was a bunch of people romping around in Spirit Halloween military costumes.
Anyway, magic rocks come from somewhere, the bugs, who aren't bugs and are arachnids, somehow get the crystals inside them. This goes nowhere.
In the initial cave, there's oddly pristine drawings on the walls, one of which entrances the ex. Apparently this makes a wormhole start to open, and mister euphoric borderline sexually harasses her by nonconsensually forcefully kissing her. They barely escape the cave. The cave writings and fugue are never mentioned again.
During their escapades, it's discovered that the wormhole sends them to a place parallel either in the same reality or an alternate one. It turns out the mad scientist, Gerber, yes, Gerber, went through it and ended up a massive 20 miles away. This is never mentioned again.
The grand group of gigabrains then try to triangulate Gerbs by using a Geiger counter and one (1) radio. After fighting some guys in terrorist towels, captain fedhoria falls asleep, dreams of his ex, wakes up. This goes nowhere.
To the eagle eye observers, you may notice a pattern. Nothing happens in this movie, so let's cut to the end.
Gerbs stabs himself with a crystal or five, turns into a snake, Chaddeus has a moment of clarity, physically assaults his possible fiancee, then stabs himself with a crystal, also turning into a snake.
The two coil around each other like a nice poop before being flushed into the interdimensional toilet to stop the wormholes from opening.
Please, I beg you, do not watch this. Not even for fun. You will suffer.
After Death (Oltre la morte) (1989)
Or, as I like to call it ' Please, Stop Making These 4 '.
Unless there's some deep nuance to these films I'm missing, none of them have been worth my time, not even in terms of ' haha, this was a dumb movie '.
At the start, it might be all thrills as you realize you've found another movie to point and laugh at, but about 30 minutes in you'll reflect on your life and realize that you watching this was easily preventable had you listened to your instincts and picked something else.
No matter how you cut it, Zombie 4/After Death/Oltre la Morte is an undeniably horrible movie in a lineup of movies that have garnered unwarranted followings. Truly, you'd get a more exciting tale from a child, if anything because they aren't adults being serious about their work.
The makeup is the worst it's been in these movies, the acting, which has either really bad audio, rerecorded dialogue, or dubbed dialogue, made me feel like it was minutes away from a horrifying porno.
The effects were horrible, the writing was pointless, and whoever scored the soundtrack REALLY liked the opening song. All in all, you're better off pressing your face against a microwave while it's running. In other words, avoid.
Ombis: Alien Invasion (2013)
Beware! The Slog
About as amateur as you can get without being some fresh college kids with a $200 camcorder and a lot of free time.
Strikingly engrossing as it's fascinating to watch what a bunch of people can do with a budget I'm guessing is in the triple digits, mind you, that's including a decimal.
Most of the ' virus ' activity is just reversed footage of green Gelli Baff funneling down a pipe, sometimes it'll be reversed footage of it being dropped on someone, or reversed footage of it falling off a hand.
The story isn't worth talking about, the main plot is nonsense, there's some subplots that were clearly forgotten about, and none of it goes anywhere.
A lot of acting that would make any plank of wood seem worthy of accolades in comparison and special effects found in free editing software, scored brilliantly by stock music that really amps up the atmosphere of ' horror movie at the local dying theater '.
Truthfully, a movie to watch when there's nothing better to do and you want to waste an hour or so.
The Evil (1978)
CJ! CJ! CJ! CJ?! CJ? ...CJ!
Standard 70's horror flick that's best for a good laugh, nothing else. Doesn't overstay it's welcome but definitely drags in spots, but it's a stunning example of the cheese that was horror movies of that age.
Don't expect anything riveting, the characters are very surface, the dialogue runs in circles, and the effects, while impressively practical, aren't used to their potential, not to mention the bizarre choice of sound effects for the dog, who emits TIE fighter sounds, and the scenes are poorly cut so you can see the dog very clearly is having a grand ol' time instead of being a violent murderer.
Don't worry, the dog doesn't come into relevancy outside of a few shots.
Worth a watch if you've nothing better to see.
Out of the Shadows (2017)
Should've stayed in the shadows, huh?
Nuh uh. No. Don't. Hit back on your remote right now, don't even bother.
This movie is another bottom of the landfill type, not even fun to watch. The movie doesn't know what it wants to do, where it wants to go, and who it wants you to care about, the results to each? Nothing, nowhere, nobody.
What makes me assert so negatively? Perhaps it's the headache inducing screeching from the wife, or the husband's temper tantrums, could even be from the brain scrambling subplot between the boomer goth and her... uncle?
Truthfully, it's the ending. There seems to be a misconception that ' bad guy win = good ending '. That's not to say it can't be pulled off, but most of these movies do it to be edgy or cool - it's a copout, and you know it is. A bad ending like this is for nothing but making you realize your time in life is finite and it's taken something you can never reclaim.
Besides the horrible writing, everything involved is stupid. Apparently it's possible for a guy to kill his wife, his coworker, a goth lady, and a priest in the most bizarre ways despite GAPING plotholes.
The coworker kills himself after ' accidentally ' shooting the goth lady, the wife just... coughs blood up and dies instantly? And the priest's head explodes.
They decided that the guy made it look like his coworker killed himself and the goth despite his coworker being the only one to touch the gun. I guess they also decided that he ruptured his wife's organs, if that's what even happened, and literally disintegrated a priest's head.
There was zero thought in making this movie, and as such, there's zero reason to watch it. Hard pass, whoever wrote this shouldn't be allowed to write instructions on how to breathe, lest they forget how to do that themselves.
Dip sin dip sin (2015)
Ouija 4: But Not Really
Hong Kong movie that's missing a lot of beats for the western audiences since it has cultural influence that is vastly different from our own and, therefore, don't hold the same weight. To underscore this, the North American distribution company renamed it Ouija 4, hence it having nothing to do with the first two.
That being said, it wasn't horrible, would I watch it again? No. Would I recommend it seriously? Also no. But you could do worse for a lazy afternoon viewing.
The version I watched was dubbed, really badly dubbed, and the plot was total nonsense with a LOT of holes here and there. It's barely cohesive, like being crammed inside a jar and shaken wildly before being haphazardly dumped into the blinding sun.
There's obviously bits that are lost in translation, and as mentioned before, a lot of the story impacts aren't as meaningful because of the cultural divide.
Not for anyone serious, just turn your brain off and have a good giggle at the oddities.
Attached: Paranormal (2021)
No.
Don't do it. This is an hour and a half of watching some guy try to eat his camera while recording nothing except a cat.
It adds some exceptional insight into the daily life of average middle aged man, who's hobbies include drinking tap water and watching cable TV, occasionally having a bowl of cereal as a wild treat. If that doesn't excite you, there's also cabinet doors opening and really bad editing, especially the audio mixing.
What happens? I can't summarize much else, most of what I said is all that happens. Sometimes the dude goes into a fugue state and stares at things. The first time it happens, the horrible audio mixing makes it sound like he just blasted a hole through his mattress with the power of Gamma radiation.
There's a whole part about a priest, but I don't think neither you or me care enough. The priest waves some herbs around, almost dies, then leaves. Guy goes into a fugue, slams his face into the mirror, stares at the camera, then gives himself a cut across the throat that would, at worst, require Neosporin and a bandaid, but it's evidently one that killed him instantly.
Also, the toilet paper was on wrong and the kitchen sink was installed by a lunatic.
Skip it, unless you really want to see the parts with the cat in it.
The House on Mansfield Street (2018)
What?
An hour and fifteen minutes of a British guy wandering around with his face a few inches away from the lense. To be clear, I don't know what happened, this wasn't for a lack of trying to understand. There wasn't anything really going on, there's no plot, no setup, no questions answered. The moment the neighbor comes on screen, it's very clear she's a driving force behind everything, for some reason.
She gives him a weird pouch, he finds another in a ceiling panel (?), and decided to only throw that one away. As most people with functional critical thinking capabilities would deduce, the sacks are relevant, the one he found still being in the bin despite the clear passage of time, but that can be dismissed as paranormal, I guess.
Gigabrain gets the idea to cut them open, inside is a few herbs and crumpled segments of a Satan picture. A responsible person would do anything but stay at the place after that, but our dear Nick is not responsible.
No idea what the neighbor's deal is, whether she's a demon or a cultist, but she sucks at it because she has to stab him a considerable number of times. Either a ritual, or a demon who REALLY sucks at being a demon.
Give it a pass.
Night of the Demons (2009)
Almost enjoyable
I want to preface this by saying there is a LOT of body horror, so if you're very sensitive to that thing, this is definitely not for you.
Inexplicably, the original is perceived as a legendary cult classic, which I have no idea why because that one wasn't good, either. The premise is changed up a bit, but is largely the same; boring, gross, and blatantly favored by men who haven't been near a woman in 30 years, whether by circumstance or through a legal binding.
There are solid jokes and generally likeable characters, the gore, when it's not clearly dollar tree blood, is gratuitous and over the top. The absolute solid is the finale, it kicks from a horny amateur movie to a great action sequence that results in, surprise, the demons being eradicated and the last survivor walking free because she was smart! An absolute rare sight in these movies, and a welcome change from the everyone dies or it's not really dead endings that we've come to expect.
With that said, it's good for only one watch, so value it while it goes.
Meatcleaver Massacre (1976)
Not even fun bad.
No meatcleaver, no massacre. A painfully slow hour and twenty some minutes of four unlikeable 40 year old college kids doing stupid things and dying in really funny ways that were not meant to be as an act of vengeance from their professor who's family they massacred for... reasons.
Underscored by bizarre chanting that reads like something you'd find on the wall of a mental asylum's bathroom, the kids die in increasingly not subtle ways that befuddle the grand detective, from having a hood slammed repeatedly on to being inexplicably shredded in the middle of the desert.
After about an hour of puttering about, the big lad himself discovers the pattern and puts two and two together, lures the last guy into arriving at the residence under the pretense that it's a curse that's killing everyone and there must be a ' counter spell '.
His plan comes to fruition, ignoring the storytelling problems that would make you think the last guy wouldn't believe it, and his action is to lumber at the last murderer after loudly announcing his presence to the unaware man. Shockingly, the murderer kills the cop, despite his best efforts of standing there while being beat with a candle stick.
Anyway, the monster curse catches up and attacks the last guy, causing an impromptu enucleation, but not really, as it's revealed he's in a mental ward with a fake eyeball he thinks is his real eyeball despite having both in his skull still. I don't know, either.
Not worth a watch, two stars only because one of the doctors exclaimed ' this is my first nut! ' at the end.
Death of a Vlogger (2019)
Not what you'd expect, in a bad way.
Approximately an hour and a half of someone grandstanding at you that social media bad while on a budget of a really bad wig and a sharpie to draw on the wall.
Horrible characters, horrible acting, and disappointingly misleading idea. Not some social media guy going off the deep end because of paranormal encounters, it's instead some social media guy going off the deep end because he faked paranormal encounters.
The writer tried to be ' smart " about this by implying there really was a haunting, but also not. A non-answer isn't good writing when you refuse to give solid elaboration either way.
There was also the ' journalist ' who's portrayed as the sane one despite antagonizing the protagonist, lying about various aspects (' there wasn't a dog walker ', etc.), revelling in his mental breakdown, which she wrongfully used the phrase ' schadenfreude ' to describe a despicable behavior, and then went so far as to insinuate that all the harassment and bullying he got wasn't real.
This isn't mentioned in other reviews, and it may be because the others just blanked out, and rightfully so, but the journalist was the true horror and a genuinely terrible person, and that's saying something when everyone else involved is generally unlikable. Truthfully, that character destroyed any semblance of enjoyment in an already flat film.
Just don't bother.