Sealab 2021 (2000–2005)
Bill Lobley: Jodene Sparks, Various, President
Quotes
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[Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
Sparks : So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy : Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks : Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy : How about you?
Sparks : Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy : Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks : Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy : Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks : Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy : You lucky bastard.
Sparks : Yeah.
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Sparks : Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Debbie DuPree : Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
Marco : No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
Captain Murphy : Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
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Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
Sparks : Selling pot.
[pause]
Sparks : ...Holders.
[pause]
Sparks : ...Made of hemp.
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Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie DuPree : Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks : But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco : We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Captain Murphy : Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie DuPree : Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters : They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
Marco : That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
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Marco : What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.
Sparks : Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
[Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth]
Marco : That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.
Sparks : How about a beret?
Marco : Yeah, I can do a beret.
Sparks : You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.
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Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : How can you afford it?
Sparks : Selling pot.
[pause]
Sparks : That's it. Just pot.
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Captain Murphy : Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
Sparks : Um, I think its martial law.
Captain Murphy : Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
Sparks : Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
Captain Murphy : That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
-
Sparks : And there goes Pod Six.
Debbie DuPree : God, it so depressing.
Captain Murphy : What? Pod Six was jerks!
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Sparks : How many times do I have to hear the word "womb" today?
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[Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
Captain Murphy : Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
Sparks : Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
Captain Murphy : Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
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[the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
Marco : I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks : Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy : Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree : [laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy : Maybe YOU won't!
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Marco : Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
Captain Murphy : I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
Sparks : Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.
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Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : Looks like we're all missing something.
Captain Murphy : That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?
Sparks : What?
Captain Murphy : What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!
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Sparks : Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?
Captain Murphy : Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"
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Sparks : All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
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Sparks : Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
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[seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat]
Captain Murphy : That boy's head is made of cheese!
Sparks : Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.
Captain Murphy : Well, still...
Sparks : Still WHAT?
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Sparks : Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.