Nothing But Trouble (1991)

Chevy Chase: Chris Thorne

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Miss Purdah : [Chris is chained and Eldona is trying on outfits before him]  Eldona, you know he's not supposed to see you this special day?

  Chris Thorne : Special day? What is it--Halloween?

• Chris Thorne : They're Brazillionaires, they have breakfast at 2pm in the afternoon.

• J.P. : You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!

  [whistles] 

  Chris Thorne : Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.

  [lights a cigar] 

  J.P. : [bellows]  PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!

• [passing by three half-buried dolphin statues] 

  Chris Thorne : So that's where they buried Flipper.

  Fausto , Renalda : Flipper is dead?

• Chris Thorne : Thanks for the espresso maker... and the bag of shit.

• Chris Thorne : Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?

  J.P. : There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?

  Chris Thorne : I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.

  J.P. : Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?

  [shouts] 

  J.P. : JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!

  Fausto : So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?

  Diane Lightson : Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.

  J.P. : I believe it is.

  Renalda : You should do a book.

• J.P. : [asking about Chris' job]  Banker?

  Chris Thorne : No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?

  J.P. : OK, banker.

• Chris Thorne : Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.

• Diane Lightson : Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.

  J.P. : Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...

  [bellows] 

  J.P. : THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!

  Chris Thorne : OK, we'll listen!

  J.P. : [calm again]  Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!

• J.P. : Welcome to supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?

  Chris Thorne : Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.

• Fausto : Where are we going?

  Chris Thorne : We're going to Atlantic City, Fausto. Get in the trunk.

• J.P. : No choice now but house policy.

  J.P. : Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?

  Chris Thorne : Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!

  Chris Thorne : Aw, no!

  [Eldona carries him off happily] 

  Chris Thorne : Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!

• [passing two dirty bikers] 

  Chris Thorne : Evil Knievel and Mr. Clean.

• Chris Thorne : [after Chris insults the Reeve and falling in a chamber of squeaky toys, Diane punches him; shocked]  What was that for?

  Diane Lightson : [furious]  How could you be so insensitive?

  Chris Thorne : What do you mean? What are you talking about?

  Renalda : Fausto, you better do something about this!

  Fausto : Niña, you're pulling on my coat, now cool it!

  Diane Lightson : I had us out of here! Then you had to go and open your big mouth!

  [pulls toy out of her shirt] 

  Chris Thorne : *You* had us out of here? We would've been here another two hours listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm or wherever the hell we are!

  Diane Lightson : I knew that I couldn't depend on you!

  Chris Thorne : Listen, I don't need this! I was just trying to get us to Atlantic City... for YOU!

  Diane Lightson : [sarcastic]  Oh, is that right?

  Chris Thorne : Yeah!

  Fausto : [to Chris]  You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!

  Diane Lightson , Chris Thorne : [to Fausto]  SHUT UP!

• Diane Lightson : How long have you been divorced?

  Chris Thorne : Four years.

  Diane Lightson : Do you still love her?

  Chris Thorne : Nah, been over her for... weeks.

• Chris Thorne : All this is about some hustler who dumped on you, right? Isn't it? Well, what about Suntz? Really? I mean, what were you planning on doing when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him? Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors? That's a helluva way to break up with a guy if that's what you were doing.

  [Diane sighs] 

  Chris Thorne : So you picked the wrong guy. Happens to the best of us. I've been through this. You know, when it come to love, there's no accounting for taste.

  [jokes at Diane] 

  Chris Thorne : Hell, I used to be married to Imelda Marcos.

  [Diane chuckles] 

  Chris Thorne : You don't have to put yourself through this. A guy like that's gonna bury himself anyway. He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.

  Diane Lightson : I'm just such a jerk. I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy? I mean, I'm... I'm so trusting...

  [kisses Chris] 

  Diane Lightson : and so gullible.

  [kisses Chris again and continues it] 

  Diane Lightson : I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover. I mean I'm such a sucker. Mmm. Mmm. I just... love a pretty face. Oh! Oh, it's so... Oh, it's so embarrassing.

  [Shocked] 

  Diane Lightson : Oh! Ooh! I better lie down.

  [sprints towards the bed] 

  Diane Lightson : Oh, you're nothing but trouble. Ooh! Oh!

• Chris Thorne : Come on, death for running a stop sign?

  J.P. : *And* for being a banker! That's the double death.

• Diane Lightson : [passing "No Cussing" sign]  Oh, and no cussing.

  Chris Thorne : Oh, shit.

• Mike the Doorman : Evening, Mr. Thorne.

  Chris Thorne : [getting out of the car]  110 blocks in less than 15 minutes, not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.

• Chris Thorne : I should have known. A Brazillionaire never forgets.

• Chris Thorne : You may kiss the bride.

  Chris Thorne : Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.

  J.P. : [yelling]  NOW!

• [passing a group of hillbillies] 

  Chris Thorne : Morning. Sell pork bellies, buy gold.

• Chris Thorne : What are you saying, it's death or Eldona?

• Chris Thorne : [after being stopped by Dennis, a police officer]  Folks, meet Andy Griffith!

• J.P. : [asking Chris if he takes Eldona to be his wife] 

  Chris Thorne : [stuttering]  I di...

  J.P. : Pardon?

  Chris Thorne : [stuttering]  bu...

  J.P. : What?

  Chris Thorne : [stuttering]  I can'...

  J.P. : Speak up!

  Chris Thorne : [sweating]  I do. I do.