- Max: [to Walter] Do you realize what you've done? You've taken a woman who loves you, one of the great women in the world and thrown her away. I lost her too, but I will get over it because I am shallow and self-centered. But you, you wont, because you are "complex". You will feel terrible anguish for the rest of your life. This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
- Anna: Walter?
- Walter: Oh, Anna, thank God it's you! Thank God!
- Anna: Walter?
- Walter: Thank God you're here, honey!
- Anna: Is that you?
- Walter: Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!
- Anna: Walter?
- Walter: Farm animals or geese or chickens...
- Anna: Walter?
- Walter: UPSTAIRS!
- Anna: Are you all right?
- Walter: No, I'm not all right.
- Anna: Where are you?
- Walter: I'm in the den!
- Anna: No, you're not, I was just in there...
- Walter: I'm in the den! I swear it! Please believe me!
- Anna: Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired!
- Walter: I'm right here.
- Anna: Look, Walter, enough is enough!
- Walter: I'M RIGHT HERE!
- Anna: Where?
- Walter: In the floor behind the chair.
- Anna: [laughs]
- Walter: Laughing, huh? We're laughing.
- Walter: There is a house I want to buy.
- Benny: Let's just cut to the chase, OK? What do you want?
- Walter: I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.
- Benny: No.
- Walter: Benny!
- Benny: You shout at me?
- Walter: I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me.
- Benny: No, I won't!
- Walter: Yes, you will!
- Benny: No! No! No!
- Walter: Yes, you will! I saved you 10 times that in taxes last year.
- Benny: So what?
- Walter: Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...
- Benny: You'll what? Huh? You'll what?
- Walter: I'll... not like you any more!
- Benny: ...All right.
- Walter: Thanks.
- Walter: It's a big house, we'll divide it up! You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!
- Anna: That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
- Walter: I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in your life.
- Anna: You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
- Walter: Thank goodness it's not that often.
- Anna: [yelling] All right, that's it! I've had it with you, and the house, and Max, and the orchestra and everything! How long will it take to put this house together?
- Curly: Two weeks.
- [Walter and all the workers start laughing]
- Anna: We'll stick it out 'til the house is done.
- Max: The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch in spite of the way you've played. Those of you with consciences will not be able to eat. And those whoe consciences match your talents, go stuff yourselves! I hope you choke!
- [Walter has missed a meeting with the permit man, who got steamed and left]
- Curly: If he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.
- Walter: When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?
- Curly: Two weeks.
- Walter: Two weeks? Two weeks?
- Curly: You sound like a parakeet there. "Two weeks! Two weeks!"
- Walter: Well, two weeks. It-it's amazing.
- Curly: Amazing, nothing. It'll be a regular miracle.
- [Jack is being taken in an ambulance after losing his breath on the jogging track]
- Jack: I'm fine, really.
- Paramedic: Take it easy, Mr. Schidntmann
- Walter: Has this ever happened to you before?
- Jack: Yes.
- Paramedic: Seven times in the past five months.
- Walter: I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape.
- Jack: It is.
- Paramedic: Yeah, thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance.
- Walter: I'm not trying to tell you your business but you haven't even looked at my pipes.
- Brad Shirk: I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?
- 'Cheap Girl' # 1: We want to change the name of the band.
- Walter: You can't do that! You've spent years making your name a household word. Your name is perfect! Cheap Girls. I love it.
- 'Cheap Girl' # 1: I'm not sure it's us. We want to call ourselves Meryl Streep.
- Walter: No, no, you cannot call yourselves Meryl Streep.
- 'Cheap Girl' # 1: Maybe she'll be flattered!
- Walter: No, in fact, considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.
- [Walter tells Anna they're leaving]
- Walter: Forget it, you are not calling yourselves Meryl Streep.
- 'Cheap Girl' # 1: How 'bout Debbie Reynolds?
- Walter: What happened?
- Curly: It was no picnic, but those guys are work animals. Well, everything looks pretty much under control.
- Walter: It does?
- Curly: Well not to the layman's eyes, of course.
- Walter: They completely ripped up my house!
- Curly: They sure as hell did, didn't they? They really ripped the guts out of it. They're work animals I tell you. Look at those holes, huh? Then you've got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles. Animals!
- Walter: Animals.
- Curly: Well I like a good conversation as much as any but I've got to run. Hasta Pronto, if you know what I mean.
- Walter: You're leaving?
- Curly: Well, I ain't moving in.
- Water Fielding: Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter? Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber!
- Anna Crowley: Really? A brother who's a plumber?
- Water Fielding: I think so.
- Anna Crowley: Do you think I should sleep with him?
- Water Fielding: Maybe just this once.
- [Walter and Anna are discussing the possibility of buying the house]
- Walter: You know what this is? This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.
- Anna: What?
- Walter: Yeah! You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be "wrong" with it, otherwise everyone else would be on it--so you waste three hours!
- Anna: I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.
- Estelle: I'm desperate! Can we close?
- Walter: We need a little time to...
- Estelle: There is no time! Extradition is Friday.
- Walter: Extradition?
- Anna: I'll tell you later.
- Estelle: I need an answer by the close of business tomorrow.
- Walter: Oh, you'll have it. By the way, you have the most beautifully-kept pool I've ever seen.
- [Estelle breaks down crying]
- Walter: What did I say? What did I say?
- Art Shirk: Aren't you going to invite me in for a drink?
- Water Fielding: Oh, yes. How silly of me, it's 11:30, you must be parched.
- Walter: [on the phone trying to locate a plumber] Hi! We're having a little trouble with our pipes, and I was--uh, Fielding, Walter Fielding... Well, there's no reason why you should have heard of me... no, that's not a Jewish name... How much do I make a year? Well, how much do you make a year?... Really!... Yale, I went to Yale...
- [gets angry]
- Walter: Look, get out of my life, would ya!
- [slams the phone down]
- Montgomery Shrapp: [knocking on the front door] Fielding?
- Walter: [stuck in the floor and can't answer the door] Hel-Hello! Hello, I'm here!
- Montgomery Shrapp: Are you in there, Fielding?
- Walter: Y-yes, I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout. Ow-ow-ow-ow.
- Montgomery Shrapp: [thinking Walter is laughing at him] OK, Fielding!
- [starts to leave]
- Montgomery Shrapp: I can hear you in there, laughing at me. This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! You hear me, Fielding?
- Walter: Y-yes, I hear you!
- Montgomery Shrapp: I'm tearing up your permits! There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!
- Walter Fielding: Just because they showed up to collect the money is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work... and if they do, I can't pay for it!
- [Anna is negotiating with Max, for money to repair the house]
- Max: All you want to talk about is money, let's talk about love, and sex... forget love, let's just talk about sex.
- Max: [taking brush from a painter] UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN! Strong strokes! PAINT! Don't tickle. And don't smoke!
- [steals his cigarette]
- Walter: In spite of the problems, in spite of the prospect of indentured servitude for the rest of my life and debt beyond my wildest dreams, I love this house.
- Walter: [Walter is on the phone with the permit inspector] Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon. What can I say? My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital... Well, what would cut any ice with you?... A bribe? Sure, can you be here in a half an hour? All right. Cash, no problem.
- Walter: Hear about that guy up in the Bronx? Just went crazy, thought he was a pigeon. They found him in the park throwing breadcrumbs at himself.
- Walter: I'm a menace to anything I touch. The Surgeon General's warning should be tattooed across my forehead. "Walter Fielding is dangerous to your health. Don't touch him." Save yourself.
- Anna: I can't. I've tried, but I love Walter Fielding.
- Walter: No.
- Anna: I can't give him up.
- Walter: No.
- Anna: I'm hopelessly addicted.
- Walter: You must think of yourself! I am sinking fast into the money pit and I don't want to drag you down with me. So save yourself while there's still time.
- Anna: Walter, brighten up. I hate seeing you like this.
- Walter: I hate being like this! I'm a disaster.
- Estelle: [as she lights a candelabra] I'm trying to save a few bucks on the lights... for the blood-sucking lawyers.
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