This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Harry Shearer: Derek Smalls
Photos
Quotes
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David St. Hubbins : I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian Faith : I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
Derek Smalls : Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
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Derek Smalls : We're very luck, in a sense, that we have two visionaries in the band. David and Nigel, they're both like - like poets, you know, like Shelley and Byron, people like that. They're two totally distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically, you see. I feel my role in the band is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
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Marty DiBergi : Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David St. Hubbins : Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
Nigel Tufnel : ...Festival.
David St. Hubbins : Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
Nigel Tufnel : Blues jazz, really.
Derek Smalls : Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
Nigel Tufnel : It was in the Isle of, uh...
David St. Hubbins : Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
Nigel Tufnel : And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
Derek Smalls : Just like that.
David St. Hubbins : He just went up.
Nigel Tufnel : He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
David St. Hubbins : Look at his face.
Nigel Tufnel : Well, there was...
David St. Hubbins : It's true, this really did happen.
Nigel Tufnel : It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David St. Hubbins : Like a stain, really.
Nigel Tufnel : It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
David St. Hubbins : You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
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Marty DiBergi : Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
Derek Smalls : No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.
Marty DiBergi : So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
Derek Smalls : Yeah.
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[David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]
Derek Smalls : Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
David St. Hubbins : *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!
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Derek Smalls : Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.
David St. Hubbins : Yeah!
[singing]
David St. Hubbins : You're a naughty one...
Derek Smalls , David St. Hubbins : Saucy Jack...
David St. Hubbins : You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.
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Derek Smalls : We're lucky.
David St. Hubbins : Yeah.
Derek Smalls : I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
David St. Hubbins : I envy us.
Derek Smalls : Yeah.
David St. Hubbins : I do.
Derek Smalls : Me too.
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Derek Smalls : That's not to say I haven't had my visionary moments. I've taken acid seventy... five, seventy-six times.
Marty DiBergi : 76?
Derek Smalls : Yeah, so I've had my moments in the sky.
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Derek Smalls : [on the phone to his solicitor] Isn't there a law against this sort of thing? Surely you can't just buy a full page ad in the music papers and publish your divorce demands.
[pause]
Derek Smalls : What do you mean 'I paid for it'?
[pause]
Derek Smalls : Joint account! Fuck! Can't we just have her killed? You know people.
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David St. Hubbins : [to the Janitor] We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.
Janitor : You go right straight through this door here, down the hall...
David St. Hubbins : Yeah.
Janitor : turn right...
David St. Hubbins : Yeah.
Janitor : and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.
Derek Smalls : A jog?
Janitor : jog to the left...
David St. Hubbins : A jog?
Derek Smalls : We don't have time for that.
Janitor : go straight ahead...
David St. Hubbins : We trust you. We trust you.
Janitor : go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...
David St. Hubbins : Yeah.
Janitor : Open that door, that's the stage!
David St. Hubbins : You think so?
Janitor : You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
David St. Hubbins : We've got guitars yeah.
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Terry Ladd : Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
Derek Smalls : Ok.
David St. Hubbins : OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.
Derek Smalls : We'll catch up with you on the road.
Duke Fame : Cheers.
David St. Hubbins : Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!
[as soon as they are out of earshot]
David St. Hubbins : Fuckin' wanker.
Nigel Tufnel : What a wanker.
David St. Hubbins : What a wanker.
Derek Smalls : Total no talent sod.
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Nigel Tufnel : Why don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean?
Derek Smalls : Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need!
Nigel Tufnel : You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife!
David St. Hubbins : She's not my wife.
Nigel Tufnel : Well, whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate. We can't fucking do the track.
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Derek Smalls : You know, we've grown musically. I mean, you listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid, you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we've taken the sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music...
Marty DiBergi : And putting it on a farm?
Derek Smalls : Yeah.
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Jeanine Pettibone : [looking at the marquee at the Themeland Amusement Park's Theatre] Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times: put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet Show" last.
Derek Smalls : It's a morale builder, isn't it?
Jeanine Pettibone : We've got a big dressing room, though.
David St. Hubbins : What?
Jeanine Pettibone : Got a big dressing room here.
David St. Hubbins : Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh, that's refreshing.
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[Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]
Airport Security Officer : Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls : Er, not really.
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Lt. Hookstratten : I would like to get the playing on about nineteen-hundred hours, if that's satisfactory.
Derek Smalls : When would that be?
Lt. Hookstratten : I make it now it's about eighteen-hundred and thirty hours.
Derek Smalls : So that's what, 50 hours?
David St. Hubbins : 120 hours?
Lt. Hookstratten : That's actually 30 minutes. About a half-hour. Give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
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David St. Hubbins : Rock 'n roll! Rock and roll!
Viv Savage : Let's get it! Let's get it!
David St. Hubbins : This way?
Derek Smalls : No this way.
David St. Hubbins : I see, this way.
Derek Smalls : Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!
Nigel Tufnel : Let's go!
David St. Hubbins : [trying to find the stage, the band ends up at the same spot backstage] Fuck!
Janitor : You must've made a wrong turn.
Derek Smalls : We gotta go another way.
David St. Hubbins : Other way. Other way.
Derek Smalls : Other way. Other way.
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David St. Hubbins : [singing] You're sweet but you're just four feet, And you still got your baby teeth, You're too young and I'm too well hung, But tonight I'm gonna rock ya
Derek Smalls : Tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
David St. Hubbins : Yeah, tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
Derek Smalls : Tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
David St. Hubbins : Tonight! Oh, yeah!
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David St. Hubbins : We toured the world, we toured the States.
Derek Smalls : We toured the world and elsewhere.
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Derek Smalls : [from DVD commentary, about Marty DiBergi] He doesn't look Italian, does he?
Nigel Tufnel : I think his real last name is DiBergarmo.
David St. Hubbins : No!
Derek Smalls : No, his real last name is DiBergowitz.
Nigel Tufnel : Yeah! DiBergowitz.
David St. Hubbins : No! He's like one of those...
Derek Smalls : Yeah, he is one of those. Check it out: DiBergowitz!
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Nigel Tufnel : [singing] I don't need a woman, I won't take me no wife, I get the rock and roll and that'll be my life, No page in history baby - that, I don't need, I just want to make some eardrums bleed, Heavy!
Nigel Tufnel , Derek Smalls : Heavy!
David St. Hubbins : Duty!
Nigel Tufnel , Derek Smalls : Duty!
David St. Hubbins : Heavy duty rock and roll!
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Ian Faith : I've got a small piece of bad news.
Mick Shrimpton : For a change!
Ian Faith : We're cancelled here.
Derek Smalls : At the hotel?
Ian Faith : No. The gig is cancelled.
Mick Shrimpton : Fuck.
Ian Faith : It say's "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."