- Countess Chandra: Darling?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, my darling?
- Countess Chandra: You're smoking the wrong end.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes... I knew that. You don't have to tell me I am smoking zhe wrong end. Do you know why I am smoking zhe wrong end?
- Countess Chandra: No darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You're right! I am smoking on zhe wrong end, because I have a very good reason.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: [Visiting Dreyfus in hospital after Sergent Sleigh knocked him out his office window] Is there anything I can do for you?
- [Dreyfus groans in pain]
- Sergeant Francois Duval: Are you in much pain?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: My leg hurts, but my throat is killing me.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: You nearly choked to death on a goldfish
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Where is he?
- Sergeant Francois Duval: I don't know, I don't think they kept it.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Not the fish! Detective Sleigh!
- Valencia Police Chief: Is that Slay as in to kill?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: No. That's Sleigh as in one horse open.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: [offering photograph] Do you know this man?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No! I have never seen this person ever in my life! Never!
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: It's Inspector Clouseau.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: *Chief* Inspector.
- Countess Chandra: *That's* Inspector Clouseau.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: *Chief* Inspector!
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: You know him?
- Countess Chandra: Yes!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What?
- Taxi Driver: Damn! Who the hell is trying to kill you?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I don't know!
- Taxi Driver: [Scene cuts briefly to car chase] Maybe they're trying to kill me. Who would want to kill me? No, no, no it couldn't be my wife, she doesn't drive.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Well, whoever it is you gotta try an' lose 'em.
- Taxi Driver: When somebody's shooting at you, you gotta do better than trying.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: [answers call] Oh it's you, good afternoon, where are you?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [lying in a hospital bed and wrapped in heaps of bandages] I am in agony.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: By the way, we have not been properly introduced. You of course know who I am.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Sergeant Sleigh.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, I am not Sergeant Sleigh.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: No, 'I'm' Sergeant Sleigh.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh yes! Now we are getting somewhere.
- Doctor: The explosion severely traumatized your left eardrum, but if you are careful and avoid all loud noises, partial hearing should be restored in a few days.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What about the ringing?
- Doctor: I'm afraid that might take longer.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: It's very loud, I keep wanting to answer the telephone.
- Doctor: Just take the medicine I prescribe, and plenty of rest.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: All right, thank you Doctor.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [after the doctor has left, and Francois is wheeling Dreyfus down the corridor of the hospital] What if I can't distinguish the difference between the ringing in my ear and the phone?
- Sergeant Francois Duval: That could be a problem.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What?
- Sergeant Francois Duval: It may not last much longer.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: I couldn't stand it if it did. Where is Sleigh?.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: On his way to Valencia
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Valencia?
- Sergeant Francois Duval: A tip from Sir Charles.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [Phone on wall starts ringing] There! It's getting worse.
- George Lytton: [last lines; holding the stolen Pink Panther] Beautiful.
- Sir Charles Litton: Do you, umm... recommend Countess Chandra's?
- Lady Simone Litton: Definitely. In fact, I'd love to go back there and spend more time.
- Sir Charles Litton: By the way, I seem to be missing a glove.
- Lady Simone Litton: "Always leave something for something" is my motto. What's yours?
- Sir Charles Litton: "Never look a gift horse in the mouth".
- George Lytton: I'll drink to that.
- Sir Charles Litton, George Lytton, Lady Simone Litton: [they all cling glasses; transitions to sparkly pink]
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Don't worry about a thing. I got these guys right where I want them.
- Juleta Shane (AKA Julie Morgan): Look out!
- [he blocks a punch with a garbage can lid stuck to his hand and, taking a swing, accidentally hits Juleta]
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Oh, no! Oh, now I'm mad.
- [two thugs grab him and ram him headfirst into a steel door]
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Now I'm hurt.
- Lt. Palmyra: Not only did you screw up the stakeout, but another little old lady was mugged. And to make matters worse, we're the laughingstock of the whole 28th precinct. And by the time those crumbs get through spreading it around town, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole god damn New York City police force.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: With all due respect, I...
- Lt. Palmyra: What respect? What do you know about respect? You sure as hell don't respect me.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Oh, yes, I do.
- Lt. Palmyra: I got an ulcer, I'm losing my hair, and you're driving me straight to the funny farm! You call that respect?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: [seeing Bruno and one of his thugs grab Julie] I'm coming!
- [two other thugs grab him and throw him backwards]
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I'm going!
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Do you know what this opportunity means to me? I'm a third-generation police officer. My grandfather and my father were captains.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Mm, your family must be very proud of you.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: They still can't believe it.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Neither can I.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Me, out of all those millions. My grandfather tells everyone it's a practical joke.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [stifling a giggle] I'm sorry.
- Aldous: Ladies and gentlemen, after thoroughly searching the records of 13,623,055 candidates, I have come up with your man.
- Michelle Chauvin: It's a man.
- Aldous: From the 11th precinct of the New York City Police Department, I give you - a little drum roll, please...
- [drum roll]
- Aldous: ...Officer Clifton Sleigh.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Obviously, Mr. President, so as not to limit our choice, I will omit sex, height, weight, race, and nationality. Ready, Aldous?
- Aldous: Ready, Charles.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Age: 61. Senior officer. IQ...
- [looking closer at his paper, then stifling a giggle]
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: ...genius. Specialities: judo, kung fu, Okinawan weaponry, karate expert...
- [stifling more laughter]
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: ...black belt. Expert ma... ma... marksman. Fearless. Courageous. A born leader.
- [laughing so hard, he can't continue]
- Dave: Is that it, Chief?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [still stifling his laughter] Mm-hmm.
- Dave: Select.
- Aldous: Coming right up.
- President of France: [it hums as it processes] What is he humming?
- Deputy Commissioner: It sounds like "Moon River"... backwards.
- Dave: A Series 600 Huxley computer. You can program it by voice command, you know. Wait. Observe this. Activate. Aldous?
- Aldous: Ready, Dave.
- Dave: Aldous can even recognize people's voices.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Hmm. Amazing.
- Aldous: Elementary.
- Dave: Chief Inspector Dreyfus, Sûreté, vital statistics, please.
- Aldous: Coming up, Dave.
- Dave: [it hums as it processes] What's the delay?
- Aldous: Lots of material.
- Dave: Well, just give me an abbreviated version, then.
- Aldous: All right. Charles Larousse Dreyfus. Born Marseilles April 1, 19...
- Dave: Skip that. Skip that. Uh, what is the subject's present occupation?
- Aldous: Subject's present occupation... chief inspector, criminal division, Sûreté.
- Dave: How's his health?
- Aldous: Last complete physical examination... January 7th, this year. Chronic hypertension. May 1978, suffered nervous breakdown and was committed to the state mental...
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Skip that bit.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: You know, Francois, I have a horrible feeling we're seeing history repeat itself.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: What do you mean?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: When they were pulling out the... the goldfish, I remember thinking "Did Clouseau have any relatives in the States?"
- Sergeant Francois Duval: You mean...? Oh, but that's impossible. You programmed the computer yourself.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [giggling nervously] Compared to me, I'm afraid Baron Frankenstein was a quack.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: The president himself gave the order! And at 3:00 this morning, the commissioner woke me up to say he was putting me in charge. Me! Ha ha ha! And I've got one month to make Operation Paragon a success. Otherwise, I'll be back on the vice squad staking out pissoirs for what is left of my career.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: Operation Paragon?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Yes. The president's idea. If France's greatest detective is missing, then get the world's greatest detective to find him.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: And how do you find the world's greatest detective?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: By computer. The commissioner's idea. Interpol has computer files on every law enforcement agency in the world. And I am supposed to program the computer to select Clouseau's clone.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: But Clouseau...
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Oh, you know he was an idiot, and I know he was an idiot. But the rest of the world sees him as a... as a fearless deductive genius, another Sherlock Holmes. And that's the type of man we are now looking for.
- Sergeant Francois Duval: Then you have a problem.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Yes, because a man like this might find Clouseau. A horrible thought.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Can you rig a computer so that no matter what I program into it, it will select the exact opposite?
- Maurice Steiger: Black is white? Day is night?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Exactly.
- Maurice Steiger: What sort of computer?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: A Huxley 600.
- Maurice Steiger: There is only one of those in this country. How are you going to get me into Interpol?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Hmm, I can't.
- Maurice Steiger: Well, then how do you expect me to rig it?
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: I don't. I expect you to tell me how to rig it.
- Cato Fong: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Cato.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I thought you said your name was Sumo, and that Cato was in South America.
- Cato Fong: Oh, only where Professor Balls is concerned. Inspector Clouseau disappeared owing the professor 4,000 francs. And he keeps threatening to close down the museum and take back all his disguises. I'd give him something on account, but I only make enough to pay the utilities and keep myself and Yin-Gow San.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I don't believe I know the dish.
- Cato Fong: It's my girlfriend.
- Michelle Chauvin: Just over a year ago, while investigating yet another theft of the famous diamond, the Pink Panther, Inspector Clouseau seemed to vanish from the face of the earth, leaving behind one of France's greatest unsolved mysteries.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: [watching on TV in his shop] Not to mention the 4,000 francs he owes me.
- Michelle Chauvin: And now, working on a theory that the best person to find Clouseau is someone almost exactly like Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus will program Aldous the computer with a character profile of Inspector Clouseau.
- Sir Charles Litton: [watching with Simone] That's going to put a hell of a strain on poor old Aldous.
- Cato Fong: I'm sorry I attacked you.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Oh. You thought I was from the collection agency.
- Cato Fong: No, I know who you are. And I was hoping I could beat you up so badly, you might give up trying to find Inspector Clouseau.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Oh? Why don't you want me to find him?
- Cato Fong: Because he used to beat me up so badly, I kept wishing he would disappear.
- Cato Fong: [answering the phone] Inspector Clouseau Museum.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: This is Balls. Is this Cato?
- Cato Fong: No. This is Sumo the night janitor. Mr. Cato is in South America.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: Merde!
- Cato Fong: I am not giving you any merde.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: Where's the money?
- Cato Fong: I don't know anything about any money he owes you. If you want to get in touch with him, he can be reached at the Rio Hilton.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: Mor merde!
- Cato Fong: And the same to you, Professor.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Maurice Steiger, fifteen years for bank robbery. Hmm. Uh, how much was it?
- Maurice Steiger: About 150 million. Give or take a few francs.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: And it's never been recovered, hmm? It must be hell sitting in prison, dreaming about what you could do with all that money, hmm?
- Maurice Steiger: It's not so bad. I'm a model prisoner. I come up for parole in six months.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Yes, but there's always a chance that the parole board will turn you down.
- Maurice Steiger: Ah, I see. I tell you where the money is, and you put in a good word with the parole board.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: No. Listen... it took a computer genius to embezzle 150 million francs from the Bank of France, and I, um... ahem... I have a problem that requires a computer genius. You help me solve that problem, and in six months' time, you'll be a free man, living out 150 million dreams. Ha ha ha! Give or take a few dreams.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: What happened tonight was not entirely my fault.
- Lt. Palmyra: Three years on the police force, you don't know how to handle a common drunk?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: You had to be there.
- Lt. Palmyra: Sleigh... if it wasn't for the fact that you're a third-generation police officer, and that your father was not only my captain but my daughter's godfather, and a close personal friend of nearly twenty years, I'd have you back doing guard duty at the public library!
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I request no special attention because of my family.
- Lt. Palmyra: Don't tell me what you request! I owe your old man! Your grandfather talked me into being a cop! He used to walk the toughest beat in Boston, all he carried was a rolled-up newspaper!
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: He still carries it.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: If I succeed, then I've proved once and for all that I'm a credit to the force, that I'm a Sleigh.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Well, credit to the force, where do you go from here?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Well, since Inspector Clouseau disappeared while investigating the theft of the Pink Panther, I thought I'd visit the scene of the crime.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Then you're off to Lugash.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I leave on the next plane.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: You leave? Good. I-I mean good luck.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What are the odds that the greatest detective in the world will find Clouseau?
- Aldous: Even money. Take your pick.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Well, aren't you being slightly optimistic?
- Aldous: Not at all. Why? Are you afraid he'll drive you crazy again?
- Dave: Cool it, Aldous.
- Aldous: Just responding with an obvious observation. I hope I didn't offend you, Inspector Dreyfus.
- Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Not at all. By the way, it's Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
- Dave: Shame on you, Aldous.
- Aldous: Nobody's perfect. Have a happy day.
- Lt. Palmyra: Sleigh, until this came, I was a desperate man faced with two choices: retirement or murdering you.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Gee, I don't know what to say.
- Lt. Palmyra: Fortunately, you don't have to say anything. The police commissioner said it for both of us. Congratulations, Sleigh. You're assigned to special duty with the Sûreté.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Sûreté? Me? Paris, France? There must be some mistake.
- Lt. Palmyra: Oh, undoubtedly.
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: I trust you'll bring this error to the commissioner's attention.
- Lt. Palmyra: I considered it. But then I remembered the immortal words of Theodore Doppler, the Cousebay Strangler whose death sentence was commuted two minutes before they pulled the switch. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
- [opening his office door]
- Lt. Palmyra: Bon voyage, Sleigh. Bon voyage.
- Countess Chandra: We have a problem, Julie's in hospital. The man Chief Fagilla says shot her with the tranquilizer dart has escaped. Chief Fagilla says the man was impersonating Sergent Sleigh. Doesn't make sense, Julie knew what Sleigh looked like.
- Doctor: Sometimes it is possible to look like one person but actually be another.
- [Finishes removing bandages]
- Doctor: Ta-da!
- Countess Chandra: My God! It's fantastic. Oh darling.
- [Kisses figure in chair]
- Doctor: Don't kiss him too hard, his lips might fall off.
- Countess Chandra: [Breaks from kiss] What?
- Doctor: Just a little surgical humor.
- Prof. Auguste Balls: [In reference to Cunny] He can whip you up a very nice suit with two pairs of pants while you wait; what do you say?
- Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Uh... no, you see I'm investigating...
- Prof. Auguste Balls: Of course you're investigating! You're a policeman. I knew that the moment you walked into my emporium: Your courage, your alertness, the way your eyes take in everything. I immediately said to myself "Balls, this is a policeman's policeman."
- [Begins taking Sleigh's measurements]
- Countess Chandra: [first lines; receiving the Pink Panther diamond from Rossi. Clouseau enters the room] How much?
- Gino Rossi: Six million.
- Countess Chandra: But that's ridiculous.
- Gino Rossi: It's at least worth thirty.
- Countess Chandra: It'll have to be split with at least forty percent of it.
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Top Gap
By what name was Curse of the Pink Panther (1983) officially released in India in English?
Answer