- Diana Hastings: This system, the way we elect people, it's terrifying. And exhausting. And I think it's driving us all insane.
- Gary Zimmer: [calling in to his office] I am telling you, he is the real deal! It is like a Bill Clinton with impulse control. Like a church-going Bernie Sanders with better bone density.
- Gary Zimmer: Look, whatever you think you saw tonight...
- Faith Brewster: You didn't. You actually saw what I saw, and I think that the American people...
- Gary Zimmer: Would agree with me...
- Faith Brewster: As long as I say it repeatedly, doggedly...
- Gary Zimmer: And with unearned confidence...
- Faith Brewster: I lie...
- Gary Zimmer: I am lying to you...
- Faith Brewster: And you know I lie. I'm actually in this position because of how effectively I lie to you. Are we clear?
- Gary Zimmer: We call this the spin room, without shame.
- Faith Brewster: Spinning is something you do to disorient people.
- Gary Zimmer: And you all know that, and yet, here we are.
- Faith Brewster: What a wonderful play we're putting on.
- Gary Zimmer: Thank you so much. And fuck you America.
- Faith Brewster: I look forward to lying to you in the future...
- [reporters shouting questions after in follow up]
- Gary Zimmer: See you at the bar.
- Gary Zimmer: Did I happen to mention that he is a veteran of the United States Marine Corps?
- Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Yes.
- Gary Zimmer: And a farmer.
- Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Um... you did. I believe so.
- Gary Zimmer: And did I happen to mention that he's a widower?
- Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Impressive. All right. Well done.
- Gary Zimmer: A man who makes Joe the Plumber look like Dukakis in mom jeans and a fucking Easter bonnet... in the reddest of counties in the great now swing state of Wisconsin.
- Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Mm-hmm.
- Gary Zimmer: Is... a Democrat.
- Kurt: Uh... he's a Democrat?
- Gary Zimmer: Yeah. He just doesn't know it yet.
- Gary Zimmer: Richard and Ginnie Peeler are hosting. He's a hedge fund swell.
- [smile creases Jack's face]
- Gary Zimmer: She's been saving the Hudson for about 25 years.
- Jack Hastings: Richard Peeler.
- Gary Zimmer: Yeah?
- Jack Hastings: Got it.
- Gary Zimmer: Are you, like, 12?
- [both chuckle]
- Stewart, Jon: Could something like this happen?
- Trevor Potter: Legally, this could absolutely happen. Somebody could create a political organization... so-called outside group, a super PAC, 527... raise an unlimited amount of money, and then choose to give that money to another organization, a charity, and use it for public purposes. And you don't need the donors' consent to do that.
- Trevor Potter: The problem we have is that none of the pieces of the system are working today. You have regulators like the Federal Election Commission that don't have a quorum, can't meet, and when they do, they disagree on what the law is. You have Congress deadlocked so it can't rewrite the laws. You have the Supreme Court that thinks that almost nothing is corrupt and that citizens won't think the sale of access, what the court calls ingratiation in return for giving money to candidates, is a problem.
- Stewart, Jon: So, to sum up, we currently have hundreds of millions to billions of dollars that is... uh... uh... untraceable, uh... that can pour into groups that are actually coordinating with... with candidates who end up having to spend a good amount of their time raising more and more money to keep up with the arms race that is occurring. Uh... the money continues to pour in and corrupt not just where they spend their time and how they spend their time, but on the types of legislation that they would even bring to the fore. And the one group that would be charged with regulating, uh... this spigot, uh... doesn't meet 'cause there aren't enough of them.
- Trevor Potter: Yes.
- [incredulous laughter]
- Trevor Potter: I realize that's not helpful to you, but...
- Stewart, Jon: It is very helpful. Thank you.
- Gary's Assistant: Um, it's a two-hour flight, but you'll gain an hour when you get there.
- Gary Zimmer: What is that?
- Gary's Assistant: The 7 Series. It was the closest thing they had to your Tesla, but...
- Gary Zimmer: Just take a Sharpie, and write "liberal city douchebag" on my forehead, okay? Come on, guys.
- Gary's Assistant: Yeah. Um, Accord?
- Gary Zimmer: I'm traveling to America. Explorer, neutral color. And pack me like a conference.
- Gary's Assistant: Davos? TED?
- Gary Zimmer: Aspen, weekend package. Thank you.
- Gary's Assistant, Gary's Assistant: Great.
- Gary Zimmer: Oh, and, guys, you know what? Keep it simple. Simple. No frills. Thank you.
- Gary's Assistant: Got it.
- Gary's Assistant: Sure. Great.
- Gary Zimmer: Although, if the Explorer has a... a Bose or a Bang & Olufsen sound package, if they have it... it'd be good.
- Gary's Assistant: Great.
- Gary's Assistant: Gotcha.
- Jack Hastings: I'm just very impressed with all this. You... you do the polling.
- Kurt: Uh-huh. In fact...
- Gary Zimmer: There it is.
- Diana Hastings: What is that?
- Gary Zimmer: No, who is that? Elton Chambers.
- Diana Hastings: The Rocket Man?
- Gary Zimmer: The billionaire Rocket Man, yes.
- Kurt: Jesus Chr... I thought he was dead.
- Tina: Well, he is dead.
- Gary Zimmer: No, no, no. A series of micro-strokes. It's all good.
- Gary Zimmer: Gentlemen... this square-jawed paragon of Americana is our goddamn key back into the forbidden city.
- Kurt: Well, that's my stop.
- Gary Zimmer: Sit. Kurt, sit.
- Kurt: Call me when he gets to the point.
- Gary Zimmer: Nope. You're not going anywhere. No, sit. And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man to our attention.
- Evan: It's Evan.
- Gary Zimmer: I was just finishing up these pamphlets on immigration.
- Diana Hastings: Ooh. That sounds complicated. I hope the small minds can manage.
- Gary Zimmer: I'm sorry about that. Sometimes, messaging for the base doesn't resonate with the broader electorate.
- Diana Hastings: Oh, okay. So, to flatter them, you have to condescend to us. I get it.
- Gary Zimmer: Uh, no, no, that wasn't... that wasn't what...
- [protracted pause]
- Gary Zimmer: Sorry.
- Faith Brewster: Now, can we just all go back to Washington and forget that we ever made camp in a place where the shit you skim off milk is considered a food?
- Gary Zimmer: They are called cheese curds, and they are delicious.
- Faith Brewster: They're disgusting.
- Gary Zimmer: And you can't make poutine without them.
- Gary Zimmer: Who here has been chosen as 527s? Raise your hands, please. One, two, three, four. Good. You all run super PACs now. You are no longer associated with this campaign. And as such, it is time to move to your super PAC location, which is all the way at the back of the room, far, far away from the activity of the campaign.
- Becca: Right now?
- Gary Zimmer: I am not at liberty to say. The campaign cannot coordinate with the super PAC.
- Becca: So...
- Gary Zimmer: [whispers] After the meeting.
- Gary Zimmer: So you used me.
- Diana Hastings: We used you? You guys only show up here once every four years, and only then 'cause it's a swing state. And then, when it's over, you're gone. But we're still here with all the same problems we had before, just waiting around for you to come back and make the same empty promises as last time. We used the system. You make millions of dollars funneling tens of millions of dollars into this election economy. All we did is take a cut.
- Gary Zimmer: Hmm. Well... I guess I just... I thought that maybe you and I had a little something.
- Diana Hastings: [scoffs] I'm 28. I mean...
- [chuckles]
- Diana Hastings: in what world would this... be okay?
- Gary Zimmer: D.C. and L.A., parts of New York, Miami, maybe Dallas.
- Gary Zimmer: Mm.
- [chuckles]
- Gary Zimmer: Look... it wasn't personal.
- Gary Zimmer: Mm.
- Diana Hastings: It was math.
- Gary Zimmer: Math.
- Diana Hastings: But this system, the way we elect people, it's terrifying. And exhausting. And I think it's driving us all insane.
- Gary Zimmer: So, um, we can't win. The people in this town are pretty set in their ways. And we lost the eight nuns. That wasn't good. So, we can't win.
- Jack Hastings: Uh... y-you know, we appreciate all you done. I mean, the campaign and, uh... I'm just sorry we let you down, but...
- [relieved]
- Jack Hastings: well, all I can say is thank you.
- Diana Hastings: Really, Gary, thank you for everything.
- Jack Hastings: It was a hell of a ride.
- [Jack and Diana laugh]
- Gary Zimmer: Are... you shitting me? All I have to say is we can't win, and you're... you're through, you're out.
- Diana Hastings: You said we can't win.
- Gary Zimmer: Unless. We can't win unless... You didn't let me finish. We can't win unless it turns out that this town isn't the Mayberry everybody thinks it is. I just got a little piece of intel that's kind of intriguing. So, the mayor's brother Ziggy,
- [Jack steps back]
- Gary Zimmer: he had an Oxy problem.
- Jack Hastings: Well, he was a roofer and got hurt on the job.
- Gary Zimmer: Yes, well, what you might not know is that the mayor pulled some strings, kept him out of jail, got him into rehab. That is abuse of power, nepotism. Probably some clerical shit in there.
- Diana Hastings: [scoffs] Come on. Gary. But we're the good guys, right?
- Gary Zimmer: [flatly] Yeah, we're the good guys.
- Diana Hastings: When they go low...
- Gary Zimmer: We go high.
- Diana Hastings: Unless we also need to go low, apparently.
- [chuckles incredulously]
- Gary Zimmer: Only to keep those who would go lower out of power.
- Diana Hastings: So, when they go low, we go higher, incrementally, in relation to how low they went.
- Gary Zimmer: Regrettably, yes.
- Diana Hastings: When they go low, we go almost as low, but we feel worse doing it.
- Gary Zimmer: You think they thought twice about making your dad look like a PTS nutcase? And I'm going low because I'm gonna tell the truth about the mayor?
- Jack Hastings: His brother's fragile, Gary.
- Gary Zimmer: This town is fragile. The whole area is fragile. Our democracy.
- Diana Hastings: [exasperated] Stop. We're not doing it. Okay? People are gonna get hurt.
- Gary Zimmer: I'm sorry... I really am... but sometimes good people have to do shitty things in service of the greater good. Isn't that right, Colonel?
- [exits]
- Diana Hastings: Hey.
- [follows Gary]
- Diana Hastings: Hey.
- Gary Zimmer: Yeah?
- Diana Hastings: Gary, stop.
- Gary Zimmer: What? Is this politics?
- Gary Zimmer: It's not politics anymore, Diana. It's... it's math. That's what an election is. It's just math. We need what they get plus one. That's all. And if I can't get that by getting more people to vote for your dad, then I have to get fewer people to vote for Braun.
- [sighs and exits]
- Candy Crowley: Jack Hastings, Deerlaken... did the media fall for a false narrative just because it fit into our preconceived notion of the divide of this country between red and blue without actually checking the facts? Were we irresponsible?
- MSNBC Anchor: Well, we're the news. Are we not supposed to cover the news?
- The Anchors Brooke: I mean, these are newsworthy stories. We're absolutely in the right to cover them.
- MSNBC Reporter: It is literally our job to cover the news.
- Candy Crowley: But isn't there a way to report the news without so much speculation, without a false sense of urgency that causes us to breathlessly report "facts" that maybe are not facts? And are we framing these stories on an artificial right-left axis because that's how our pundit economy is set up? Is there a better way to do this?
- [protracted pause]
- Candy Crowley: I'm just kidding. Unfortunately, we have to leave it there.
- Jack Hastings: [walks to the microphone at a city council meeting] Excuse me, fellas.
- Mayor Braun: Jack, I already told you, you can widen that easement on Hamburg...
- Jack Hastings: Um, actually, it's about that resolution you're thinking about passing.
- Mayor Braun: With all due respect, Colonel, that discussion has ended.
- Jack Hastings: Yeah, yeah. So I heard. But, uh... the thing is that, um... it's a bad idea.
- Big Mike: Y... you can't... Uh, okay, well, I already seconded, but whatever.
- Jack Hastings: I know we're in a bad spot, but... you can't bring it back by throwing these people under the bus.
- Mayor Braun: Whoa, we're not throwing anybody under anything, Jack.
- [scoffs]
- Mayor Braun: Money was tight when the base was still open, but now... I mean, we just got to be smart. We got to eliminate cheating the programs.
- Jack Hastings: There's not a damn soul using those programs that doesn't need 'em, and you know it.
- Mayor Braun: And all they need to do is produce the acceptable I.D., and the benefits will be...
- Jack Hastings: And you know they can't do that.
- Mayor Braun: Well...
- [scoffs]
- Mayor Braun: I don't make the rules, Jack.
- [all eyes look at the Mayor]
- Mayor Braun: I mean, I do, I guess. Not by myself, but... this is over.
- [Jack turns and begins to exit]
- Mayor Braun: Okay, we have a motion that has been seconded. It is time to bring it to a vote.
- Jack Hastings: [Jack turns about-face and returns] Uh, you know, uh, just curious... you know, when the river backed up and the folks you think might be cheating stood shoulder to shoulder with us stuffing sandbags for three days straight, ended up saving your store, you check their I.D.'s then?
- Mayor Braun: Discussion's closed, Jack!
- Jack Hastings: You checking I.D.'s when they're bringing food to the church
- [Mayor bangs gavel]
- Jack Hastings: potlucks, Walt?
- Mayor Braun: Enough, Jack. You had your say.
- [sighs]
- Mayor Braun: Look, we got rules here, but that don't make us bad people.
- Jack Hastings: I'm not saying you're a bad person, Billy. I'm saying you're scared. Hell, we all are. Damn town went from 15,000 to five overnight, and business went with it. We're not bringing it back by... by turning on each other. Corps taught me the chain's only as strong as its weakest link. And Father Heuvel here taught me that I am my brother's keeper.
- [...]
- Jack Hastings: Whatever you do for the least of us, you do for the Lord.
- [...]
- Jack Hastings: The point is, it's easy to be strong of character in the good times. The test is the bad times. If you can't live your principles then, well... I guess they aren't principles; they're just hobbies.
- Gary Zimmer: There are two million rural votes in these states alone. If we lost them 2.7 to one instead of three to one, we'd win, but we didn't even try.
- DNC Staffer: [dismissive tone] Their base turned out. Ours didn't. If we find a candidate to activate our base... if our African Americans and
- [accent emphasized]
- DNC Staffer: Latino communities...
- DNC Staffer: It's just Latino.
- DNC Staffer: show up, we win.
- Gary Zimmer: We have to get the rural voters back into the tent, even just a little bit.
- DNC Staffer: Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll stick with pandering to our special-interest groups, thank you very much.
- DNC Staffer, DNC Staffer: Si, se puede. Si, se puede. Si, se...
- DNC Staffer: I like the idea of expanding our base. Not taking any voter for granted.
- [looks at the dismissive staffer]
- DNC Staffer: [tone changes] It does have some merit.
- Gary Zimmer: Okay.
- [lifts phone receiver]
- Dave Vanelton: Everything all right?
- Gary Zimmer: Uh, hel... Yes? Hello?
- Dave Vanelton: It's Dave.
- Gary Zimmer: Yes?
- Dave Vanelton: From the Hofbrau House.
- Gary Zimmer: From downstairs?
- Dave Vanelton: Yes.
- Gary Zimmer: O... okay.
- Dave Vanelton: Everything all right?
- Gary Zimmer: Mm... yeah, I was just looking for a Wi-Fi password.
- Dave Vanelton: Good luck.
- Gary Zimmer: Case-sensitive?
- Dave Vanelton: No, good luck getting Wi-Fi. You're better off using your phone.
- Gary Zimmer: Okay.
- Dave Vanelton: Okay.
- Gary Zimmer: All right, very good. Thank you.
- Dave Vanelton: Sure.
- Gary Zimmer: *Goodbye*.
- Dave Vanelton: Night, Gar.
- [Gary hangs up and sighs]
- Dave Vanelton: [Gary lifts the receiver] Everything all right?
- [Gary hangs up and chuckles]
- Gary Zimmer: Faith.
- Faith Brewster: Gary.
- Gary Zimmer: You seem to be doing a brisk business. Deerlaken: always. So, apparently, Deerlaken über alles was copyrighted?
- Faith Brewster: Well, we were gonna go with I'm with him until we remembered how fucking stupid it sounded.
- Gary Zimmer: No, no, no, no. I love it. I love the whole town genealogy angle. It's got a real bold you ain't from around here flavor.
- [Faith chuckles]
- Gary Zimmer: With subtle notes of, uh, xenophobia.
- [Faith chuckles again]
- Gary Zimmer: Not to mention the cognitive dissonance that your booth is basically a love letter to immigration.
- Faith Brewster: That's a great observation. So all these people are hypocrites? I'd run with that.
- Gary Zimmer: All you have is fear.
- Faith Brewster: Now we're getting somewhere.
- [Gary chuckles]
- Faith Brewster: 20 bucks says I do better with fear than you do with shame.
- Gary Zimmer: Oh.
- Mr. Peeler: You know, our politics seem broken. Colonel, what do you see is the system's greatest weakness?
- Jack Hastings: Hmm, well, I guess, for one thing, this. Here, tonight. And I mean
- [inhales]
- Jack Hastings: no disrespect. I just think this seems a bit crazy. I want to help my town. I want to be mayor, some town in the middle of Wisconsin. So, instead of being home working on some smart things to help my town, I have to fly here to your town and convince you that my town's worth saving. And
- [inhales]
- Jack Hastings: that I'm worth it. And that saving it is worth it to you. All so you can give me some money. Not for my town, but for me. To help convince my town that I'm worth it. I mean...
- [inhales]
- Jack Hastings: I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.
- [sighs]
- Gary Zimmer: [...] Money. Oh, God, their money is the problem? Oh! You should've seen their faces.
- Jack Hastings: I saw.
- Gary Zimmer: They ate it up. We could've named our price.
- [giddy]
- Gary Zimmer: Oh, no way Faith matches.
- Jack Hastings: And why is that, now?
- Gary Zimmer: Oh. Because they're spending to stop something, and we're spending to start something.
- Jack Hastings: Hmm.
- Gary Zimmer: You know Kurt Lehman, polling and modeling.
- Jack Hastings: Yes. Hi.
- Kurt: Hi.
- Gary Zimmer: He gives us a window into the electorate.
- Diana Hastings: Hi.
- Kurt: How are you?
- Gary Zimmer: Best in the business. When everyone was predicting Hillary in a landslide over Trump, Kurt was the one guy who had her just barely beating him.
- Kurt: My models just picked up the trend lines, so...
- Gary Zimmer: If the election had taken place a month or two later...
- Kurt: My numbers would've been 100% on the money.
- Gary Zimmer: Mm-hmm.
- Diana Hastings: Wow. Impressive.
- Kurt: Well...
- Tina: Well, he was the least wrong.
- Gary Zimmer: Tina Kuryev, analytics. She gives us a window into the voters.
- Tina: Good to meet you, sir.
- Diana Hastings: Oh. I thought, uh, polling did that.
- Kurt: It does.
- Tina: Well, he tells you how he thinks they feel. I tell you how they really feel.
- [pause]
- Tina: People are liars.
- Kurt: Here we go.
- Tina: He can tell you how often people say they go to church.
- Gary Zimmer: She can tell you if they actually go.
- Tina: I can tell you if God is in their hearts.
- Kurt: [under his breath] Oh, my God.
- Gary Zimmer: Tina's in online analytics.
- Kurt: Hey, can I just say... we take deception into account, too, okay? Yeah, polling is an art form, but, you know, there's plenty of science to back it up.
- Tina: Says the guy still calling landlines. People tell computers the truth, right? Their desires, their prejudices. Every search, every transaction... it's an unguarded private moment. So there's no, uh, margin of error, you know? The digital footprint is your true self.
- Diana Hastings: But, surely, people are more complicated than their online transactions.
- Tina: Well, says the woman with three cats and an intense search history of the herpes virus.
- Diana Hastings: [protracted pause] One of the cats... Is this legal?
- Tina: Law enforcement or in the eyes of God?
- Diana Hastings: [knocks, door opens, sighs] Hi.
- Mayor Braun: Come on in.
- Diana Hastings: Thank you. I'm so sorry. I... I'm pulling the plug.
- Mayor Braun: Hey, hey.
- Diana Hastings: I mean, we have the money we need. We have more than we would need. And this would... destroy your brother.
- [inhales deeply]
- Diana Hastings: And I'm just so sorry.
- Mayor Braun: Hey. You have nothing to be sorry for. You saved us, Diana.
- Diana Hastings: [looks down] Mm-hmm.
- Mayor Braun: This place was done. Just another town in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere. And everyone agreed... yours was the best idea we had. Unless you want to go back to the two Mikes' idea of... ostrich meat farms. Diana, you moving back here, caring so much... I mean, this whole thing...
- [sighs]
- Mayor Braun: Well, I just know how proud of you your dad is and how proud your mom would be. And how grateful every single one of us are for what you've done and everything you've given. It's working.
- Diana Hastings: Okay.
- [sighs]
- Diana Hastings: What do we do about Gary?
- Mayor Braun: Whatever Gary thinks he's got, why don't we just give him something better?
- Gary Zimmer: Yeah, well, you got to make it happen, or you got to find me some more fucking Hispanics.
- [raises his voice]
- Gary Zimmer: Where are my fucking Hispanics? I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!
- [steps away and in normal voice]
- Gary Zimmer: Hey, everybody. Listen. I am profoundly disappointed in the comments that I just made. My words and/or actions do not represent who I am as a person and...
- Kurt: [quietly] Teachable moment.
- Gary Zimmer: It is a teachable moment. It's something I think we can all learn from. And in that way, I feel like I have given you a gift.
- [landline rings]
- Ann: [quietly] You have my heart.
- Gary Zimmer: And from this moment on, I vow to make this office
- [landline rings]
- Gary Zimmer: a color- and gender-neutral work environment.
- [landline rings]
- Gary Zimmer: That is my... Are you gonna get that? Ringing off the fucking hook.
- Big Mike: You know what the real problem here is that the media is completely complicit in this sort of thing.
- Little Mike: Oh, I absolutely agree. I mean, it's like Neil Postman said... in entertaining ourselves, news has become entertainment.
- Big Mike: Yeah. Yeah.
- Little Mike: And when that happens... it's gone.
- Big Mike: Yeah.
- Little Mike: [...] It metastasizes, so it... it's growing and... and whatever, so...
- Big Mike: Yeah. Well, it becomes... it's sort of like any sort of autoimmune disorder.
- Little Mike: Yeah.
- Big Mike: It's like... it's like lupus. Know what I mean?
- Little Mike: That's actually a really great metaphor. That's... that's like...
- Big Mike: It's a simile.
- Little Mike: 'Cause you said...
- Big Mike: 'Cause I said... I said it's like.
- Little Mike: [realizes] You said it's like.
- Big Mike: Yeah, right. It's like lupus.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
