- I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.
- Life for me is great. I'm a very f***in' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.
- I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
- In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
- There are two seasons in Scotland - Winter and July.
- It's very awkward to be kind of big in your own field. It limits what you're offered. People are swayed by the fact that you're a comedian or a musician or whatever they think you are. When it comes to choosing you, they get a bit shaky about offering you a different type of role. But I've really been very lucky. When you compare me to other comedians, I've been very fortunate. So you'll get no complaints.
- I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they'd made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
- I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce -- my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions -- the absurdity of the thing.
- Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
- Gerry Rafferty was a hugely talented songwriter and singer who will be greatly missed. I was privileged to have spent my formative years working with Gerry and there remained a strong bond of friendship between us that lasted until his untimely death. Gerry had extraordinary gifts and his premature passing deprives the world of a true genius.
- There comes a point when you don't give a shit what anybody thinks. It doesn't happen all at once, but it's lovely when it does. Criticism used to worry me before, but I can suddenly write it off. It's too late. I don't have the time to spend thinking about it anymore. I need that time to live with.
- I fucking hate going on holiday anywhere but in my own home. My idea of a nice break is lying in bed being brought cups of tea while watching football, episodes of Luật Pháp Và Trật Tự (1990) or one of those reality shows set in a prison. And it fucking terrifies me to be somewhere where Pamela Stephenson's going to be lurking about waiting to guilt-trip me into going on a walk to Japanese gardens, sampling vanilla tea or trying to stay upright on a contraption that doesn't know if it's a kite or a surfboard. Wild horses couldn't persuade me. If she'd had her way, we'd start the day with an hour of power yoga on the shore, followed by a gluten-free breakfast, a scuba dive to see enormous, bitey things, then a tanning session on the beach where the combination of sunscreen and sand turns you into a giant schnitzel. After lunch there'd be kayaking to a deserted island, then a candlelit dinner in some exotic outdoor location where small bitey things make you even more miserable than the big ones.
- Jazz makes me want to vomit!
- I've had it with terrorists of all colors and fucking descriptions. Fucking bringing terror to some innocent person's life. Fuck you. Osama Bin Laden lives in a cave, shits in a fucking bucket. Why are we scared of this prick? Fuck you, Bin Laden!
- I don't want to influence anybody so I shut up. I think the Scots will come to a good conclusion in the referendum. They'll get what they deserve.
- [on the death of Robin Williams] Robin was 'on' all the time. He was a joy to be around, let me tell you. In all the years I knew him I never got tired of him. He was a one-off, so warm, so human. In my quieter moments I do sometimes think I could have done more to help him. It's a lonely life, show business. You spend a lot of time on your own, and if you dwell on these things you can hurt yourself, as Robin proved.
- The future doesn't exist and neither does the past. Worrying about it is a waste of time and effort.
- [on his belief that Robin Williams was trying to say goodbye when they last spoke] On the last phone call he said, 'I love you like a brother' and I said, 'I know you do' and he said, 'Are you sure you know?' and I said, 'Yes'. Robin worried about everything.
- [on politicians] Don't vote, it just encourages them.
- Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
- Irish people don't communicate like anyone else. I was walking in Ireland, and this woman said "Oh, Billy Connolly you're the spitting image of yourself!".
- I think Wilderbeest don't know that they're Wilderbeest. For there are no mirrors on the Serengeti. "Run Wilderbeest! Run for your life!" "I'm not a Wilderbeest! I'm one of those stripey things over there!"
- My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger
- Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
- That run-on just threw me there. Should be an Olympic event, shouldn't it? You could strap wee hurdles to people and get them to do that. I would turn up. That was *very* pleasant, I must say. Jeez, we should do that more often... much, much more often. And what a *nice* dress. [Billy was compèring a BAFTA TV awards programme in 1995. Liz Hurley, dressed in a full-length, non-revealing dress, ran down the stairs onto the set, to present an award. It was obvious from her bouncing breasts that she was not wearing a bra. Billy gave a look of amazement and turned away, then made the comments a few minutes later as Liz was leaving the stage.]
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