Contraceptives
“Your face is a contraceptive”
“Don't Be a Fool, Cover your tool!”
“I've never used contraceptives with my wife. Because doing so would be against my morals and religion. So I use them only when I'm banging bitches.”
Contraceptives are devices that prevent the humanity virus from replicating. During the act of sex if a sperm meets with an egg that a woman just laid, then like Pinocchio it may transform into a real life human being, which requires endless amounts of money spent on it, absorbs all your time and energy until you go insane, and gives you a +2 to passing pity checks.
To prevent this 'contraceptive devices' have been formed.
Natural contraceptives[edit]
- Abstinence: Is the most boring, since it leaves you with a permanent camping tent or a permanent swampland without satisfying them completely. Usually practiced by those without partners neither money to hire prostitutes or gigolos (like our readers), as well for those lacking any pet, friend or sex object. Usually happens when the subjects are quite colorful or when their masculinity or feminity are not qualified to satisfy anyone else. Usually is the contraceptive that you use by decision... of everyone else.
- Hibernation: Everyone knows that women have 23 days of menstruation when they experience anger, anxiety and lazyness, followed by 5 hibernation days when they sleep and are not fertile. So anyone can take advantage of this passage and have sex, even without the total consent of the partner, but well, nobody cares.
- Interrupted intercourse: Is about stopping miliseconds before ejaculation. The cruelest and most dangerous contraceptive ever. Since it causes frustration, heart attacks and suicide for those who practice it. This practice can cause depression, anger, nausea, vomiting, blindness, and smartphone malfunction; depending of the place of relief. Usually used by people inclined to extreme activities.
- Being you: Admit it. You are virgin and all of us know the reason.
Since those contraceptives are an affront agains nature, they can cause earthquakes, inundations, global warming, droughts, and harvests destruction. So their use is strongly discouraged.
Contraceptive devices[edit]
- IUD - Intra unterine dildo -This is an ancient method of contraption used by vagina magicians where something that is inserted into the vahini to create inflammation, taking the place of a baby and sending wireless internet signals to a satellite for additional womb monitoring.
- Spermicide - This involves engaging in chemical warfare on all the male gametes. Banned by the UN since 1951.
- Condom - This is a large piece of Seran wrap or sheep skin that engulfs the lower half of a man's body like a protective shield, and prevents him from having any sensation whatsoever. Available in sizes 'pathetic', 'average' and 'farm animal'. They also come in flavours such as 'unwashed cock', 'cheese' and 'fish'.
- The pill - This is a tablet that women take when they feel like having peanut brittle for bones, and want to grow a mustache, or have your piss create hermaphroditic fish. Commonly made from caged horse pee.
- Diaphragm (Cap) - This is a frisbee like device that covers the whole of the womans vahini so it is obscured from view and from penetration. Made from the muscle beneath the lungs of goats. They are used as hats by gnomes.
- Antbortion - A controversial method created by Navajo Indians involving mind controlling insects, which has not been taught in schools after its involvement 9/11.
- Fatness - This is a better-than-you-could-ever-imagine contraceptive method. However it should be aproached with caution, as if its used along drunkness, not only does it stop being contraceptive, it starts being proceptive.
- Erectile dysfunction - No erection, no penetration. No penetration, no pregnancy. Works well as a last minute excuse, should the male change his mind about seducing the person, in the event of sudden sobriety, or discovery of male parts on someone previously believed to be female.
Women however, have discovered the best yet invented form of "birth control" also know as the "point and laugh method." Studies have shown that this is the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy. To use this method correctly, wait until a man has dropped his pants, simply extend your index finger, laugh (but not too loudly), and walk away.
Semi-reversible methods[edit]
- Type A Oscar Wilde method - In this method, the woman is replaced with another man. As two males make a negative, the product is a black hole, which has been shown conclusively to be infertile.
- Type B Oscar Wilde - In this method, the sexual partner is replaced with a child or youth. Because the age of any baby at birth is a function of the age difference between the partners, this creates an embryo with a negative age. However, as the embryo is born in the past, it will cry continuously and prevent the parents from ever conceiving. Therefore, the baby will never be born. This method takes its name from its inventor, Oscar Wilde, who used it together with the Type A Oscar Wilde method. This combination is particularly popular in the Roman Catholic Church, and is the only method officially endorsed by the church.
Permanent methods[edit]
- Castration - The most popular and funny method.
- Black widower method - In this popular method, the man stabs the woman twice, firstly with his penis, and then a second time with a sharp dagger. This cuts off blood-flow to the uterus, and therefore can reduce the risk of pregnancy. This method is especially popular in Baghmom, and is the method officially recommended in the US military operations manual.
- Vasectomy - Similar, but in this case a man has his penis shortened so that the sperm can not reach the womans vahini. This removes all pleasure, and is 99.8% effective. The vasectomy is similar to the emosectomy but undertaken for completley different reasons.
- Tubal ligation - With this method, a woman has her Ovipositor removed so that she can no longer lay eggs. 99.2% effective in most cases.
- Tubal legation - In this method, a woman gives her uterus to the ambassador of a foreign country.
- Tubal litigation - In this method, a woman sues her uterus for damages.
- Two bricks - This is an ancient technique. It simply requires 2 bricks, and a very brave man. A friend is needed to hold the man down, and apply the bricks. 34% effective, and extremely painful.
- Death by violent explosion or crotch-rending attacks - This is the only 100% effective contraception. However it does have side effects such as lack of breathing, seeing, drinking schweppes, and doing shit. It also may still leave you vulnerable to time-travelling fetuses.
- Catastrophic Sexual Shame - Examples include nervous impotence upon first attempt at sexual intercourse resulting in a lifetime of self-enforced virginity. Awesome.
History of contraceptives[edit]
The first contraceptives to be used were by the Romans. An animal intestine would be removed and placed over the penis to act as a barrier to sperm entering the vagina. For more fun, the intestine would be left inside the animal during intercourse.
Egyptian women would place a handful of live bees and crocodile dung into their furry parts and jiggle around until they were fully integrated. This would stimulate acid hormones in the region which would kill sperm when they had sex.
In victorian times women would use wild flowers, lace-making, and cake baking as a substitute for sex, and subsequently only 4 children were born during the entire reign of Queen Victoria.
The first modern condom was developed by the Welsh in 1873 using a sheep bladder, however in 1874 the English somewhat refined this idea, by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
Religion and contraceptives[edit]
Many religions ban the use of contraceptives, including all of the idiotic ones, and most of the insane ones. It is thought that God would not approve of the prevention of conception as it is holy, and a paragraph from the bible is often quoted thus:
| “ | And Oral Roberts withdrew from the minge and let his spunk fall upon the ground, and his sin was great. | ” |
The catholic church will only allow a particular form of family planning called the Rhythm method. This is because its crap, and doesn't work anyway. A woman must count how many days since her last menstruation, times it by Pi, calculate her precise distance from the equator, and then say she has a headache and rollover.