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What else? I am an incurable adept of the Antichrist and a non-vegan Latte Macchiato addict. And yes, I still have a special place in my heart for the original Evil Dead movies and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, sitting side by side with some of my newer favorites like Fight Club, The Matrix, Ash vs. Evil Dead, and Miller's finest dance on the Fury Road.
The aim of my Higher Self!? To write 2222 reviews, and after that, I will take a break and go on to meet the challenges and pleasures of my next incarnation.
Last note: my reviews are not validated truth but strictly my very own personal opinion, and no doubt they are more than just occasionally misguided by my outrageously appetite for stuff of triumphant bad taste style, the smell of cheese, and the true art of schlock.
Lists
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Blink Twice (2024)
Status Brain Dead: Mission Accomplished
Blink Twice is a fantastic example of a widely used recipe these days, which could be titled "How to Bore Your Audience Into a Brain-Dead State." Sure, the production and cast are solid, and the directing is decent too, but the story lacks momentum. Too many scenes are either a) redundant, b) overstretched, or c) both. The dialogues are mostly just, well, forget about it... That said, Blink Twice is not the worst movie ever, and if you're a fan of the actors or interested in Zoë Kravitz's career, you might want to give it a shot. But in my (most humble) opinion, if you're craving a glimpse into the lives of the ultra-rich, you're better off watching one of the many reality shows out there (like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Secret Lives of the Super Rich, etc.), which I admit I sometimes watch too - when I'm in the mood for a dose of shiny-sunny-candy-sandy land and want to put my brain on standby. Note: I realize those "reality" shows won't give you much in the way of violence or murder (at least not yet), but considering that what feels like 98% of Hollywood's output revolves around those themes, there's plenty of content to satisfy that kind of sinister craving.
The Crow (2024)
Bound to Fail
There are a number of movies that are better left untouched (the following are just a few examples that come to mind) - The Matrix, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, The Shining, A Clockwork Orange, The Godfather, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and yes, The Crow, are perfect, or nearly perfect movies and any new version is bound to fail. This remake is a prime example - it lacks the dark charm, the outstanding actors, the fantastic, moody settings, and the iconic soundtrack of the original. What remains is a series of action sequences and some brutality. Brutality seems to be a tool used nowadays to mask a lack of substance.
While the original version rightfully enjoys a certain cult status, The Crow 2024 will quickly, and deservedly in my opinion, fade into obscurity. Instead of rehashing classics, filmmakers should focus on creating new stories rather than making lazy and mediocre attempts to profit off the work and vision of others. This one is just a tiresome rehash, made to stock up the archives of streaming platforms. In short: like some other recent remakes (e.g. Fahrenheit 451, Road House or Papillon), The Crow is inferior and my recommendation is a simple one: just watch the original ones once again.
Uglies (2024)
Generica on Steroids
Clearly aimed at a younger audience, Uglies does have some redeeming qualities in terms of production value, and the acting is fairly decent. However, the movie suffers from a predictable and formulaic plot that only skims the surface of science fiction. The story feels like it's running on autopilot, devoid of surprises or fresh ideas, and fails to capture the essence of true sci-fi. In fact, you could transplant the characters or narrative into Hogwarts (or any other setting), and it would still feel the same.
What could have been an intriguing exploration of deeper questions-such as what it truly means for a society and the individual if everyone were their "best self"-is unfortunately left unexplored. The movie offers shallow answers that feel biased and pre-packaged, merely transporting present-day issues into a fictional context and leaving little room for thoughtful reflection or complexity. Consider just a few potential questions: How would this kind of society impact relationships and social dynamics? What are the psychological and emotional effects on individuals? Would individuality be sacrificed for uniformity? Would everyone's "best self" truly eliminate all differences? These questions-and many more-are left unanswered, while the movie suggests that juvenile behavior is somehow preferable to, well, people just partying all the time. This leaves us with only superficial characters, as though "stupid behavior" is the right of the young (at least in my opinion).
Similar movies like The Hunger Games, Divergent, and The Maze Runner are out of reach, and even less strong movies like The 5th Wave, The Host, and The Giver entertained me more. That said, if you're under 15, you might still find some entertainment value in Uglies-there's some romance and a bit of action. For adult viewers, however, Uglies is likely to feel like a missed opportunity and, ultimately, a waste of time.
Kinds of Kindness (2024)
Kind of Lacking
I really enjoyed Poor Things (bravo to Emma Stone!), but Kinds of Kindness left me feeling indifferent and, at times, even bored. While the acting ranges from solid to fine, the "stories" themselves just didn't resonate with me. I've watched plenty of strange films - and enjoyed many of them - but Kinds of Kindness isn't one that entertained or surprised me much. Everything felt rather forced (like the use of the f-word): When you experiment, there's always a chance of failure, and for me, this movie falls into that category. There may be a good idea behind it, but it's poorly and rather boringly presented. That said, maybe I missed something important, the right "key" to unlock the core of Kinds of Kindness. My recommendation: if you're into experimental and weird films, give this one a try and decide for yourself, if not, avoid, despite the good cast.
Down a Dark Hall (2018)
For the Faint of Heart
The idea has some potential, but the execution sadly falls short. Down a Dark Hall aimed for a Gothic horror/fantasy vibe, but it only manages to be unsettling if you're either under, lets say, 12 or you have an extremely sensitive disposition, with nerves that react to even the slightest hint of suspense and thrill. The production values are decent, the acting okay, but without the help of the fast-forward button, I doubt I would have made it to the end of this little flick: The pacing drags, and the scares feel rather formulaic, lacking the depth or originality needed to sustain interest throughout the film. Ultimately, I dare to say, it's a missed opportunity.
Longlegs (2024)
Nice Trip
I like this one - its weird tone and strange story just hit the right note for me. The production and acting are rock solid too. Movies involving Nicolas Cage in recent years have often been hit or miss - some are just plain terrible, but you get your gems as well. I fondly remember Willy's Wonderland, Colour Out of Space, Dog Eat Dog, and Mandy. While Longlegs doesn't reinvent the 'serial killer hunt' genre, it offers more than your typical flick of that kind with a little shot of supernatural weirdo power. Last but not least, I really enjoyed Maika Monroe's performance - and Nicolas Cage as a maniac is just delicious and tasty. My recommendation: if you like the genre and Nicolas Cage, this one is worth watching.
Alien: Romulus (2024)
Alien: Okay
While we do get some solid action sequences, Alien: Romulus is, in my opinion, by far the weakest entry in the franchise. First of all, we have a young crew with all the cringe-worthy behavior (think Gen Z in space or something like that), and second, the story itself is, well, nothing new at all. I don't know how many times I've watched a horror, western, action, war, or sci-fi movie with the motif of 'treasure hunters' getting into serious trouble. While I like Fede Álvarez's works Don't Breathe (although Don't Breathe 2 is weaker in comparison) and the remake of Evil Dead, his vision of Alien is the most conventional of all Alien movies. Romulus is not bad, but it is nowhere near the quality of the other movies, either in story, production or acting. I'm not the biggest fan of Scott's Prometheus and especially Covenant, but those movies are still better and more interesting than Romulus, which mostly reminds me of just rehashing old ideas with a smaller budget and less skilled actors. Verdict: watchable for fans of the franchise.
Trap (2024)
Trapped in Mediocrity
Mr. Shyamalan's career has seen its share of ups and downs. I fondly remember films like Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense, The Village, and Split, but he has also directed (in my opinion) some truly mediocre and boring movies, such as After Earth, The Last Airbender, Old, and Knock at the Cabin. Trap has some logical issues, at least in my opinion: For instance, Lady Raven could have simply informed security and the police - yes, this might result in the loss of one hostage's life, but it would lead to a clean and easy capturing of a serial killer. Also, the police operation was far too obvious etc. Anyway, while the premise is interesting, the film is bogged down by too much filler too (all those shots of Lady Raven on stage and her audience), which destroys any momentum the story might have developed. On the plus side, I like Josh Hartnett's performance as the evil maniac. In summary, like all of Shyamalan's movies after Split (Glass, Old, etc.), Trap is not a total failure, but it's not something I would recommend to a friend. Despite an interesting concept, the script and its execution is simply too weak and misses a good potion of verve and energy.
Borderlands (2024)
Crashes Just Badly
Wow - I never thought I would watch a movie starring Cate Blanchett and/or Jamie Lee Curtis that would be, well, that bad. It looks cheap, it feels cheap, and the story - well, maybe it works for a video game where you just want something to shoot at - is so generic that it's dead on arrival. I've never played the game, but I'm certain of one thing: this movie is no invitation to do so. Borderlands reminds me of movies like Army of the Dead - a dumb story, no likable or interesting characters, just some random excuse for random action and violence (at best mediocre executed). A movie like The Fifth Element is way out of reach, and even Jupiter Ascending, with all its flaws storywise, is a masterpiece by comparison. B-movie gems like Cherry 2000 or Tank Girl are also far more fun to watch. A reason to watch Borderlands nevertheless? To watch some fine actresses struggling with a very flawed and thin script. Verdict: very disappointing.
Oddity (2024)
Creepy Moments
Oddity is a nice little flick that, while not reinventing the wheel, delivers a solid experience. The cast is strong, the production is small yet polished, and the creepy wooden doll is well-crafted dark eye candy. The movie successfully creates a sinister atmosphere at times, but the story itself doesn't offer many surprises. However, if you enjoy tales of witchcraft, murder, and revenge, Oddity has its moments of entertainment. While it may not stand out as a masterpiece, it's a decent watch for fans of the genre. Verdict: not bad, but not exceptional either. Recommended if you like movies a la The Witch, Hereditary and The Skeleton Key and so on.
A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)
Filler
I like the first two movies a lot - the story and production are superb and, last but not least, the whole cast shines bright in those two movies. In contrary, A Quiet Place: Day One is what I would call a "milking the cow" business: this one does not add anything really new (okay, we get some more action sequences) or interesting to the original story and cannot compete production and acting wise with the original movies. It reminds me a lot of the difference in quality of Bird Box (starring Sandra Bullock) and Bird Box: Barcelona, the latter one also just a redundant and inferior work. Simply put: in my opinion Day One is rather a rip off and as a whole a redundant and disappointing affair, especially as there is (according to some sources) a third movie with Emily Blunt in the making - for that one I have still high hopes.
Those About to Die (2024)
Those Who Are About to Die from Boredom
Back in those times, all responsible for that show would have met their end in the arena and provide the audience at least a little entertainment: a feast for wolves and lions. Well, this show is only worth your time if a) you are a plant in full zen mode (hopefully I don't insult any of our green friends) or b) you are the walking dead, almost decomposed, and finally falling apart in a few hours, so even your zombie brain has little left - Those About to Die is a show that cannot even reach the bar of mediocrity. It's only any good if you are purposefully looking to waste your time in the worst way possible (for whatever peculiar reasons). Verdict: Another show that will get lost in the growing abyss of all the bad and sad movies and shows 'crafted' these days - my recommendation: put Rome and/or Spartacus again on your plate - those two shows are way better in every aspect: story, production, acting etc.
In a Violent Nature (2024)
The Walking Dead Next Level
We get some solid slashing and gory moments, but that's about it. In my opinion, those moments are too sparse because the rest of the time we mostly watch Johnny walking through the woods like a member of a gang called The Walking Dead, with even more of that walking business over and over again - all shot in that point of view we know from third-person shooter games. For the connoisseur of the slashing genre, In a Violent Nature may provide some slight entertainment, but it doesn't leave a real and lasting impression. However, if for some reason you need a little walk in the woods and you are too lazy to step outside your door, you may want to check this one out. Finale: In a Violent Nature is neither as good (and for sure not as "clever") as some reviewers suggest, nor is it a total lost cause. What I mainly miss is a feel for momentum and pace. Anyway, somewhat okay.
The Acolyte (2024)
The Art of Cringe
You can't fake good writing. To write a good story, and especially interesting characters and dialogues, you need, besides talent, above all, hard work, really hard work. These days, wherever I look, writers mostly fail, and fail heavily: The Walking Dead franchise - dead. The Star Wars franchise - dead. The Star Trek franchise - dead. The Game of Thrones and The Lord of the Rings franchises - dead too. Some of these shows (prequels, sequels, movies, shows whatever) provide solid or decent productions and sometimes solid acting, but that's it. They all got one thing in common: they all lack heart and soul and creativity and the writing is not even at an acceptable mediocre level. The Acolyte is, in my opinion, one of the worst productions, and there are really already some bad productions in the Star Wars universe to this day. This has only one high level - in the art of cringe. I have read a lot of pulp stories and novels (sci-fi and other genres) in my life, but some of them are almost Nobel Prize candidates in comparison. Verdict: The Acolyte, especially the "story", is really bad; how this got green-lighted is beyond my imagination. I'm pretty sure, despite using fast-forwarding excessively, I still lost some brain cells watching this massive fail.
The Fall Guy (2024)
Fun Run
The Fall Guy certainly doesn't reinvent the wheel but provides some good ol' fun. Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt shine together and give this little flick the right dose of charm. So, if you don't mind a plot that is not particularly memorable but enjoy some cool and chaotic action scenes, a little romance, and, last but not least, funny comedy scenes, The Fall Guy is waiting for you. One last note: the connections to the 80s TV show (starring Lee Majors, Heather Thomas, and Douglas Barr) are minimal, so don't expect a reboot of that cult show. However, as a standalone movie, this one offers enough entertainment popcorn style.
Boy Kills World (2023)
Talking Kills World
Boy Kills World is mildly entertaining due to some fun action scenes and a solid production. However, the comedy is rather bad, and our hero talking to himself (or to us) is a massive bore. In my humble opinion, Boy Kills World needs an action cut - removing all scenes without martial arts, guns in action, and blood would make it more entertaining because the rest of the movie is just boring and redundant, a wannabe attempt to create something cült. Anyway, it's not too bad; there are far more boring films on screen these days. All in all, it's good enough to waste one's time if you like action spiced up with a little bit of gore. You may dare to give this one a try if you dig movies like Guns Akimbo, John Wick, Mayhem (2017), Kill Bill and so on.
Atlas (2024)
The Taste of Stale Popcorn
Another Netflix generic - the trouble with Atlas is not the production or the acting, but the story. Once again, in every scene, I'm reminded that I'm being served something I've already seen many times, maybe too many times. I don't expect every script or story to be something uber-special or extraordinary, but when you find yourself doing something else while watching a movie, you know it's not too good. I guess some editing could have improved the movie. The scenes that precede any substantial events could be cut down to a few minutes. The idea that a movie has to hit the 2-hour mark or longer is tiresome. If you don't have something really good and interesting to tell, every additional minute makes the story fall more and more apart. Anyway, if you want some explosions and computer-generated effects, Atlas will do. If you want characters you care about, witty and intelligent dialogue, and a really creative storyline, this is the wrong place to look. Verdict: a movie that is the equivalent of a cheeseburger from one of those big franchise companies (made with the same care and protocols), and at best, a mediocre action show most will forget within a few hours.
Civil War (2024)
War in Disneyland
Civil War doesn't know what it wants to be - a war action movie or a film with more serious intentions. For example, while some soldiers get caught and then executed, we hear the whole time some cool cat Hip Hop tunes playing... The biggest issue I have with Civil War is that everything looks fake. There's no way that press photographers would run around on the very front line of fire, right behind the backs of soldiers in combat - any grenade or stray bullet would kill them because they're just standing behind the guy shooting at another guy who fights back. No helmet or vest with the label "Press" on it would save them. Anyway, Civil War is not too bad. The acting is okay, and we get some entertaining scenes, but the cliches are many, too many for my taste, but I was still entertained - to a certain degree. Verdict: it's certainly one of Alex Garland's weaker works and only "realistic" for people who think war is like playing a video game. And as another reviewer stated, Michael Bay would have given us at least some more action and explosions. So in my opinion Civil War is somewhere stuck in Nowhereland between the line of entertainment thru action and ambition to make something of substance.
Dark Matter (2024)
The Big Sleep
There may be a universe where Dark Matter entertains and excites people because their neural networks are suited to receive the right impulses from it. Sadly, I don't live in that universe. Here, right now, I'm bored - very bored. The acting and production are not to blame, but the story or script is, well, let's be tender: improvable. It's slow, predictable, and full of redundant dialogue. Anyway, if you are a being from another universe and your brain is wired differently, the show may be suitable for you. Unfortunately, I'm of a different kind. Also, the idea of multiverses is getting old, really old. Amen.
The Last Stop in Yuma County (2023)
The Great Greed
The Last Stop in Yuma County is a fun little flick, well produced, the cast solid. I agree, not everything may really make sense in a logical kind of way, but the suspense and how the story takes its turns did hold my attention. Maybe the timing and mix of elements of comedy into the plot sometimes did not work too well, and are the weakest in link in the chain, but anyway, I was still well entertained. The Last Stop in Yuma County reminds me a little of Tarantino's The Hateful Eight, but without reaching its quality, of course - so if you are in the mood for a movie like The Hateful Eight or Bad Times at the El Royale comes to mind, you might give this one a try.
American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)
Tasty
American Cyborg: Steel Warrior is a mostly entertaining affair - not as good as Van Damme's Cyborg (1989), but good enough. So, if you like all those cheesy post-apocalyptic B-trash movies made in the 80s and early 90s, you might dare to give this one some of your precious spare time. American Cyborg: Steel Warrior is certainly not the philosopher's stone or Holy Grail of post-apocalyptic wonderland, but it's fun in that wonderfully delicious cheesy way that this kind of movie provides to the right kind of audience. On the menu are a cyborg killing machine in leather suite, cannibals, freaks, some martial art moves and other pleasures. Recommended if you like movies such as Cyborg, Universal Soldier, Steel Dawn, Stryker, and Hands of Steel, among countless other spicy flicks of those times. Exact rate: 4.5.
Abigail (2024)
Fun
The formula of this little flick is simple and fun: popcorn horror with a good dose of comedy. But for sure the best part is Alisha Weir as Abigail, she really nails it. What else? The production and the rest of the cast are solid too. So, if you're in the mood for some mainstream horror-comedy a la Snakes on a Plane, Tremors, M3GAN, or What We Do in the Shadows and so on comes to mind, Abigail will deliver some entertaining moments. However, if you're hunt for some serious horror and/or gore, the deal won't work too well. Anyway, I liked it mostly, the ride was fun enough, so no complains here.
Arcadian (2024)
Ups and Downs
Arcadian isn't that bad, but it doesn't fully realize its potential - to blame like many times these days is the script: we have some (lots of) issues with logic - why, after all those years, did the creatures decide to break through the ground now and not earlier? Also, the story feels like it's on autopilot: of course, our romancing teens survive (cringe-worthy - just as our Romeo is about to be punished, the creatures conveniently emerge from below to feast on the villain, but well, love conquers it all I read somewhere, so maybe the goddess Venus did intervene), while only the adults get killed. Furthermore, I found myself questioning how the brothers managed to survive for so long; as soon as they're introduced, they start fighting each other and making mistake after mistake. However, if you can switch off your questioning brain cells (these days a highly recommended procedure to get some entertainment) you might find some entertainment value here. Recommended for die-hard fans of Mr. Cage and/or post-apocalyptic scenarios.
Breathe (2024)
Too Bad to Be True
Well, I'm still stunned after watching Breathe - this is a masterpiece of boredom and a fine example of what is wrong with movie making these days on a grand scale: a script that is not developed but more or less a fragment, "hero" characters that are most annoying, a production that is somewhat okay but can't save the day, and dialogues right out of cloneland. I've watched tons of post-apocalyptic movies with a far lower budget, but they are entertaining masterpieces compared to this one. First of all, don't bore us to status brain dead while watching the most boring characters doing, well, nothing, and talking, well, about nothing. I really don't know, the idea is not that bad but the whole rest is. This one makes some cheesy post-apocalyptic movies of the 80s look like a drama of Shakespeare himself... Only recommended if you want, for whatever reason, to torture yourself, then this one will do.
No Way Up (2024)
All Way Down
I guess the writer watched 47 Meters Down or a similar movie and thought, "Well, I can do that too. How do I put some people underwater and then just let the sharks loose?" Well, the idea is solid trash, but sadly, the execution is not - this little flick is mostly just boring. And on top of that, while in the good old times, directors understood that they should at least give their audience some eye-candy, some beautiful girls, and for the girls, some good-looking guys, these days you get your everyday types served. No eye-candy, no art of cheese, weak horror, small gore - so what's left to say? I'm pretty sure that No Way Up will get lost into the deep of the ocean of forgotten movies with speed, and rightfully so - everybody not in the demand for some brain stupor can skip this one without missing anything, or at least much. Movies like 47 Meters Down or Open Water are Oscar material compared. Last note: the idea is also not a very unique one, if you are old enough (or a hardcore fan of disaster movies) to know a movie like Airport '77.