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Reviews
Crash Landing (2005)
Unbelievably Poorly Done Movie
This movie is so bad it's worth seeing. This movie will have viewers lapsing in and out of a coma within the first 10 minutes. It all started when a bunch of writers came up with the idea of a jetliner being hijacked and a passenger who can fly a small plane has to land the beast. However, they know it's been done before many times so to make it different, let's do it very badly! Major Masters has his name pirated from 80's movie "To Live and Die in L.A." from character played by Willem Dafoe. That saved 10 minutes in writing and production time. The plane is supposed to be a Boieng 747. That plane has a unique silhouette, even in the dark with its characteristic forward hump on the top. Just ask the late Ronald Reagan who lamented this point when them Ruskies shot down KAL 007 in the eighties. Yet when the plane takes off it's clearly not a 747 looks more like a 767. This well researched film also forgets to include the engineer's seat in the cockpit and replaces it with two comfy rumble seats. No need for a flight engineer on this complex plane! Heroine is played by perpetually pouting Gloria Lynn Berg. After tying up the hijacker, despite several bus-loads of people on this jumbo jet, nobody bothers to watch this guy who almost killed all of them. He's just forced to amuse himself.
The crippled plane, leaking fuel from all the hijacking shenanigans won't make it back to Hawaii so Masters will try to land at an Air Force base located on an island. Only the runway's 300 feet too short! Four army guys with little Bobcats (the kind you rent to take all day moving a load of horse manure to the back of your barn), are gonna clear a 200 foot wide and 300 foot long swath through the jungle in 20 minutes! No need for a bulldozer here! Where can you find guys like this? These guys could make a highway between Los Angeles and Las Vegas in 3 hours equipped only with tablespoons, a compass and a duck!
After that hellish obstacle is fixed, Masters will try to land the plane as heroine pouts away. Hijacker giggles to himself and unsupervised gets free to make more trouble. He is finally subdued in a most retarded manner that I can't tell you. But, can YOU say Moby Dick?
There are so many retarded scenes in this movie. The wounded captain is parked prone on the bar on the plane while Masters, who supposedly can barely fly, puts the plane into 60 degree banks and 20,000 feet per minute drops. The pilot should be french kissing the ceiling during these challenging stunts, but doesn't budge an inch.
I think that if they had picked different actors to play the parts, this moving could have been way better. If we need a pouting heroine in the movie, why not pick better known actress Bernadette Peters who seems to be perpetually pouting as well? Besides, she can sing and the busty well aging Peters could feature some gratuitous cleavage shots. Now with the singing angle this could be a Hijacking, Let's Land the Plane Movie MUSICAL! Cast Luciano Pavarotti as the Pilot. They can sing a duet in the cockpit prior to the hijacking and there's no way that tubby tenor would fly up to the ceiling as Masters works his magic on that big bird. In keeping with the musical theme, Masters could then be played by Andrei Bocelli, that Peters Can sing with as he lands the plane. Not only is he totally blind but only knows a couple of words of English. Now that's a plot! Think of the edge of your seat conversation between Masters (Bocelli) and the Air Traffic Controller:
ATC: "Sir, please throttle back to 180, flaps set to 25 degrees. maintain 230 heading"
Bocelli: "What?"
ATC: "Sir, arm spoilers now, confirm brake pressure at 250 psi. Maintain descent at 500 fpm"
Bocelli: "What?"
The hijacker could have been played by the late great Rodney Dangerfield who can spew a plethora of his one liners as he sits tied up and unguarded: "I get no respect. My wife is into group sex. Yeah, she screwed me in front of the judge and jury!" Get the idea?
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES The movie has your standard crying and moaning passengers that are never developed. Woody Allen could have been at the back offering one of his neurotic monologues: "She said I was great in bed. I told her I practice myself a lot..." Now THIS is a movie!
Also, according to similar movie "Executive Decision" where lazy eyed Steven Segal is mercifully killed at the start giving that movie a chance, 747's have massive attics up top. The plane was introduced in 1969 so who knows what has accumulated in almost 40 years up there? My uncle has old clothes, a sled, magazines and all sorts of stuff in his. WOuldn't it have been cool if Masters opened the trap door and saw a teary eyed Chevy Chase in a woman's housecoat watching old Super 8 movies of his childhood? Just a recommendation.
So give it a chance, and as u lapse in and out of consciousness imagine how great this movie could have been if I had my hand in it...
Gerry (2002)
Great Movie for Weak Bladders
Unspectacular slow paced movie about two retards who get lost in the desert. This is a great movie if you need frequent bathroom breaks. Go to the john, talk to the Pope, come back and you've missed very little. One of the key scenes involves one of the Gerries (they're both called Gerry, perhaps named by George Foreman who calls all his kids George....)marooned on a large rock and can't get down. Other Gerry (Damon) asks how he got there and he says he scrambled up somehow. I cannot say for sure how he got up there as I was taking a leak at the time. He finally jumps down and if you look without blinking you can see poor image editing on par with movies of the Laurel and Hardy era.
The scenery is breathtaking but you can probably get a comparable scenery video from the Nevada Tourist Bureau for a fraction of the price of theater admission.
One of the last scenes shows the two of them walking across a wide expanse of the desert. They walk and walk and walk. The desert is vast and endless, yes WE GET IT. Watch for this scene and go to the john and change the oil on your car, take your time.
A scene later, they collapse in the desert and Gerry (Damon) goes through some "conflexations" on top of the other Gerry. Not sure whether he is trying to get up or play hide the salami.
About as exciting as watching a casket warp....
The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave (2000)
Nostalgia for Super Dave fans
This unspectacular movie will mean little for those that never watched Super Dave's show from the 80's. Super Dave's show in the 80's was largely filmed in Toronto, my home town and it's always fun to be able to recognize scenes on the screen that you're been to or at least know about.
This predictable movie reassembles the main cast from the show. It's nice to see them aging well and having a new gig. Seeing them altogether brings back memories of perhaps a better time that we can all personally associate with.
Personal overtones make this movie special to the old Super Dave Fans for reasons other than its content. Give it a try....
Miracle Dogs (2003)
Love Dogs or Not, You'll Love this Movie
A beautiful TV movie about a litter of dogs with mysterious healing powers. Great to watch with the kids, and as an owner of my own three legged dog, I had a special love for Annie, this movie's mom-dog.
Although the plot is somewhat sublime and predictable, the cast selected for this film adds a special dimension to the experience. Kate Jackson and Wayne Rodgers seem to be aging well. Stacey Keach shows versatility as C.W., especially for those that remember him from the Cheech and Chong era.
The training of the dogs in this movie is far from ambitious, but apart from looking cute, running down halls and licking faces, these animals of course are the key to a most endearing movie. Want to see great animal training? See Eight Below for that! But all in all, a wonderful movie with a second look at Rue McClanahan of The Golden Girls genre who makes you wish there were more people like her in the world.
Spend an evening with the kids and see this wonderful film.....
V for Vendetta (2005)
Brilliant for our times...
The first thing I did after seeing this movie was go out and get a copy. Weaving is brilliant as V and Portman plays off of him perfectly. Well written with great casting and scenes, this movie is closer to the present than one may think.
Weaving portrays V as a delightfully complex character who shows great compassion and mercy for the people and is ruthless with the government and the evil ones that put him and countless others into misery.
This film needs to be watched 5 or 6 times to fully appreciate it. Minor continuity errors take nothing away from this great piece of work....
Deep Rescue (2005)
Seriously Retarded Movie
One of the worst movies I have seen this year and I have seen many. Riddled with technical errors, a space shuttle ditches beneath the surface of the ocean and the crew must somehow survive and get out.
Shuttle has a submarine depth gage! Do submarines have airplane altimeters? Interior doors all lock one way only. I guess the shuttles are designed this way so crew can lock themselves in for some "private time" from sexual encounters like hiding the salami to just a good old session of pouting and crying.
Love triangle ensues aboard the shuttle. God help us. Too much time spent on social relations in the abyss instead of survival. Can't they find enough astronauts on the program that just wanna fly the mission and leave their love interests on earth? Heroin goes up with long bangs dangling by face, probably got caught in the shuttle's transmission. No wonder they ditch.
This movie was so bad I had to watch the whole thing to see how retarded it could get with this cast of basic nobodies. Take a peek but remember you'll never get that time back in your life. Time not well wasted.