- Elliot Chipman: That's Deadpool.
- Kevin Chipman: That's Wolverine.
- Deadpool: You damn straight it is. Fox killed him. Disney brought him back. They're gonna make him do this till he's 90.
- Johnny Storm: In the void, you're either food for Alioth or you work for her.
- Deadpool: Go on, Johnny.
- Johnny Storm: And I'll tell you who 'her' is: Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic asshole. A finger licking dead-inside pixie slab of third rate dime-store nut-milk. And I'll tell you what she can do.
- Deadpool: I'm listening.
- Johnny Storm: She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon. If the last thing I do in this godforsaken cum-gutter existence is light that fuck-box on fire, I still won't die happy!
- Deadpool: Holy shit, girl. You crazy.
- Johnny Storm: That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk-fucked the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut's juggernuts.
- Deadpool: Wow.
- Johnny Storm: And you can quote me.
- Deadpool: 'Kay.
- Minuteman Leader: You sick fuck! Logan was a hero. And the only thing worth of shit to ever come out of Canada.
- Deadpool: Get my country's name out of your fuckin' mouth. And my sword. Gimme that.
- Deadpool: [excitedly] Oh, my God. HE'S GONNA SAY IT!
- Logan: [confused] Say what?
- Deadpool: AVENGERS ASSEM...
- Johnny Storm: FLAME ON!
- Deadpool: Sorry, what now?
- Wolverine: You know what? You're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved jabbering little prick in my entire life, and that says a lot because I've been alive for more than 200 fucking years, and I'll tell you, that bald chick was right about one thing: you will never save the world! You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper! Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'll die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, except that's on ALL OF US!... Well, you got nothing to say, mouth?
- Deadpool: I'm gonna fight you now.
- Wolverine: [laughing] Oh, are you?
- [Deadpool punches him in the face, leaving a bloody nose]
- Deadpool: Look, we know the title of this thing so I know what you're wondering: how are we gonna do this without dishonoring Logan's memory? Well, I'll tell you how. We're not.
- Deadpool: You know, from behind you look a little bit like Henry...
- [looks at a Wolverine variant]
- Deadpool: OH, MY FUCK! The Cavillrine. The legends are true. And may I say sir, on behalf of all of humanity, this just feels right! We'll treat you so much better than those shitfucks down the street!
- The Cavillrine: You were just leavin'.
- Deadpool: No, sir. Not while the fate of my universe is at...
- [Cavillrine knocks Wade into TVA Portal]
- Deadpool: Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy. She can decide who her papa is. What's it gonna be, girl, huh? Original recipe or Van Milder here?
- Nicepool: Ah, that's funny. I can gently tap the fourth wall too.
- [looks at camera]
- Nicepool: The Proposal.
- Deadpool: The fuck was that? Bitch, you think that's what I do?
- Deadpool: So just to refresh, you are Wonder...
- Elektra: Elektra.
- Deadpool: Elektra? Yes, Who could forget?
- [to Blade]
- Deadpool: And you. I wasn't expecting to see you here. I thought you were, you know,
- [imitates Blade]
- Deadpool: "retired".
- Blade: Retarded?
- Deadpool: "Retired." I'm already in The Void. I'm not trying to get canceled again.
- Blade: I don't like you.
- Deadpool: You never did.
- Blind Al: Wanna do some cocaine?
- Wade Wilson: Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.
- Blind Al: What about Bolivian marching powder?
- Wade Wilson: They know all the slang terms. They have a list.
- Blind Al: Even snowboarding?
- Wade Wilson: Even disco dust.
- Blind Al: White Girl, Interrupted?
- Wade Wilson: Even Forrest Bump.
- Blind Al: Booger sugar?
- Wade Wilson: I wouldn't even try powdered donuts.
- Blind Al: Do you want to build a snowman?
- Wade Wilson: Yes! But I can't!
- [after Deadpool spears a TVA Agent in the crotch with Wolverine's adamantium claws]
- TVA Agent: Make it stop!
- Wade Wilson: Mangold tried!
- Logan: Mind putting your mask back on?
- Wade Wilson: Super hard to eat while I'm wearing it.
- Logan: It's super hard to eat when you're not.
- Mr. Paradox: Mr Wilson, you appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.
- Wade Wilson: I wasn't unconscious.
- Wade Wilson: [sees the TVA time sticks] Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for Disney.
- B-15: I'm gonna show you something. Something huge
- Wade Wilson: That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say!
- Mr. Paradox: I warned them that they would be completely obliterated, but they went! But they went anyway, like... Like heroes. Because that's who they were. They just did what they had to do, with no concern for their own safety. The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism! Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.
- Deadpool: He has risen baby girl!
- Mr. Paradox: FUCK!
- Seedy Bartender: I told you, you're not welcome here. You're not welcome anywhere. Now get the fuck out of my bar.
- Logan: Just give me one more drink, and then I'll leave.
- Deadpool: Hi, Peanut. I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.
- Logan: Look, lady, I'm not interested.
- Deadpool: All right. Well, I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so upsy-daisy, here we go.
- [Deadpool lifts Logan off his stool]
- Logan: Whoa! Hey, hey!
- [Logan draws his claws, but they move slowly]
- Deadpool: Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
- Logan: You don't want this.
- [Deadpool pulls out a pistol and points it at Logan's forehead]
- Deadpool: Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider.
- [Logan laughs and places his forehead against the gun]
- Deadpool: [to Logan] In my world... you're well-regarded. You were an X-Man. Fuck that, you were THE X-Man. The Wolverine.
- Blind Al: I wish fire would find your body and finish the job god was too afraid to do
- Wade Wilson: If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am
- Mr. Paradox: I brought you here to offer you an opportunity -- the opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready. We believe you're ready now. Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all. I am about to give you the thing you always wanted.
- Wade Wilson: Oh, I smell what you're stepping in. The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever. I am the Messiah. I am Marvel Jesus.
- Deadpool: Were you even listening back there? We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I fuckin' know is gonna die!
- Logan: Not my fucking problem.
- [walks off]
- Deadpool: Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?
- Logan: ... Come again?
- Deadpool: Yeah, I heard all about you, how you screwed up everything? You should be thanking me for pulling me out of that bed you shit in.
- [as Deadpool and Wolverine start to fight, they hear a cellphone ring]
- Wolverine: [to the viewer] Hey, bub! You're in a movie theater, not the ****ing-off room in your mom's nursing home! So, turn your phone to ****ing silent or I'll shove your phone so far up your *** you'll have to answer it through your ****ing ****!
- Deadpool: No no no no no! Easy now! So much testosterone! God, when you yell like that, it makes my **** vibrate.
- Deadpool: [to the viewer] Listen... just, turn your phones off, or put them on silent, whatever you prefer. I'm gonna take his neck veins for a walk now. Enjoy the film.
- [Wolverine walks off, Deadpool follows him]
- Deadpool: Nice fourth-wall break back there! I didn't think you had it in you!
- Wolverine: Shut your ****ing mouth!
- Deadpool: No no no no no, they do not like that word in America, or Canada, or the Netherlands...