- Adam: Hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me. I don't want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me and you can't write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.
- Eli: [banging his left fist on Adam's door] I can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
- Emma: I can't stop thinking about him.
- Katie: Who? Adam?
- Emma: Yeah. I know it's over and I'm looking. It's just that no one is as.
- Katie: [interrupts] Tall?
- Emma: He's so tall.
- Katie: So tall.
- Emma: And he's so, like.
- Katie: Happy?
- Emma: Annoyingly happy, all the time. But he has this.
- [pauses]
- Emma: He has the best heart.
- Emma: Taxi!
- [gets in car]
- Emma: Take me to Adam's house!
- Taxi Driver: Okay, ma'am, where's that?
- Emma: Where Adam lives!
- Emma: This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I? I just have sex with your son sometimes.
- Adam: Yes she does!
- Emma: But, there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world since you're acting like children already.
- Vanessa: That was really mean.
- Emma: Yeah, I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy. Because given the choice between Adam and his dad. Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd choose Adam. Every time.
- [to Adam]
- Emma: Do you want to get out of here?
- Adam: Yeah. Fuck this.
- Emma: Oh, by the way. It's the best sex of my life.
- [yells]
- Emma: Great Scott!
- Adam: [answers phone] Hello?
- Emma: Hi. It's Emma Kurtzman from Camp Weehawken.
- Adam: Yes. What is it?
- Emma: So my sister's getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, I don't know. I heard your show was tonight. Congratulations.
- Adam: Thank you.
- Emma: I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.
- Adam: Ok. I don't know what to say. You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you're not
- Emma: I thought.
- [pauses]
- Emma: I don't know what I thought. I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know we broke up but.
- Adam: [interrupts] Emma. We didn't break up. We never started. Look, I gotta go. I'm still at work. Have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye.
- [hangs up]
- Emma: [looks at phone] Aw fuck.
- Katie: [answers phone] Hey! How did it go? Did you find him?
- Emma: Yeah, he was with a girl. It's his girlfriend. And I was in a bush.
- Katie: Oh crap.
- [pauses]
- Katie: Are you still there?
- Emma: [crying] Yeah.
- Katie: Okay, get in your car and drive away. How much money do you have on you?
- Emma: Uh, like 10 bucks.
- Katie: Okay, the box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79. You're gonna need two boxes.
- Emma: [crying harder] I lost him!
- Katie: I'm so sorry. I love you.
- Emma: I know.
- [hangs up]
- Adam: I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.
- Shira: Nice memorization. Did you Google that?
- Adam: I may have. Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing. Oh...
- [takes out a CD]
- Adam: I also made you this.
- [hands it to Emma]
- Adam: To help soothe your womb.
- Patrice: It's a mix!..."Even Flow." "Red, Red Wine."
- Shira: "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?
- Emma: Adam. You made me... a period mix?
- Guy: That's so romantic!
- Patrice: Frank Sinatra, "I've Got the World on a String"!
- Adam: It's a classic.
- Adam: So, what's up with not calling me back?
- Emma: I'm not good at this stuff.
- Adam: At what? Talking?
- Emma: Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.
- Adam: Well, I can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.
- Shira: [to Emma] Can I say something? And don't take this the wrong way because you know I'll be your friend no matter what. You've been kind of depressing to be around lately and I might start avoiding you in the hallway. Just thought you should know.
- Emma: The height difference! When we stand next to each other it looks like he's kidnapping me.
- Patrice: You always do this. You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you. And I date guys who have real problems. I date guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out. You find these perfect guys and then you're like, it will never work he's too happy.
- Emma: What's up, Dr. Metzner!
- [shocked]
- Emma: Did I just say what's up to Steven Metzner?
- Patrice: That was really hard to watch.
- Emma: Look I know I'm supposed to want to be in a relationship, but I just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old t-shirts.
- Adam: My dad invited me to dinner and he's bringing Vanessa. You have to come with me.
- Emma: No, I don't. I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.
- Adam: You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.
- Emma: [slaps Adam] Feel that?
- Adam: Yeah. I felt that.
- Lucy: So then when I was, like, 11 I was in therapy because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair and then three months in my therapist died. I know! So that was, like, kind of a bummer. But yeah, that's why I hate planes.
- Sandra Kurtzman: You know I worry about you sometimes.
- Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a date?
- Sandra Kurtzman: No, I know you can dance alone. I know that you'll be fine. You're always fine.
- Emma: So?
- Sandra Kurtzman: I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. I think that you got good at being strong for me.
- [pauses]
- Sandra Kurtzman: I'm telling you be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it.
- Emma: [teary] Okay.
- Adam: You know, I don't want to freak you out, but I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.
- Emma: It's not really possible. I have no time. I work 80 hours a week doing 36-hour shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in 2 a.m. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.
- Adam: I hate breakfast.
- Emma: Do you want to do this?
- Adam: Do what?
- Emma: Use each other for sex at all hours of the day and night, nothing else.
- Adam: [soundbite of music] Yeah, I could do that.
- Emma: Good.
- Emma: Dr. Metzner? Adam, what's going on? What happened?
- Dr. Metzner: He sprained his wrist punching a wall.
- Emma: You texted me that you were dying.
- Adam: It really hurt.
- Dr. Metzner: I gave him some Hyrdocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.
- [hands to Emma]
- Dr. Metzner: Don't worry, you're in good hands. Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.
- Emma: No! I'm not his girlfriend.
- Adam: She is not my girlfriend.
- Dr. Metzner: Oh sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My mistake. Oh by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show. Great Scott! It's funny stuff.
- Adam: I'll tell him you said that.
- [pops pill]
- Adam: Hey!
- Emma: What?
- Adam: Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.
- Adam: Go on a date with me.
- Emma: You're heavily sedated.
- Adam: Come on, it's... It's one date. Just do it.
- Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?
- Adam: Yeah. I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows. I'll pay for everything and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub. Like a real date.
- Emma: Is that really what you want?
- Adam: This Friday.
- Young Adam: So, I'm pretty good at archery.
- Young Emma: That'll be useful if you ever have a time machine and your time machine breaks and you're stuck in the Medieval Ages.
- Young Adam: You're funny, it's weird.
- Young Emma: Yeah. I'm weird.
- Young Adam: Me too.
- Young Emma: Yeah, well everyone loves you and your dad's like famous or something.
- Young Adam: My parents are getting a divorce. That's why I had to go to camp.
- [cries]
- Young Emma: Are you crying?
- Young Adam: No.
- Young Emma: Look, I'm not really an affectionate person. People aren't meant to be together forever.
- Young Adam: You think so?
- Young Emma: Yeah.
- Young Adam: Can I finger you?
- Young Emma: No.