- Harry Dunne: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
- Harry Dunne: [after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped] You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
- Harry Dunne: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
- Bikini Girl: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
- Harry Dunne: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
- Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.
- [the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
- Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?
- [they run after the bus]
- Lloyd Christmas: HEY! HEY!
- Harry Dunne: Lloyd! Lloyd!
- [the bus stops and opens the doors]
- Lloyd Christmas: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
- Harry Dunne: She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
- Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
- Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
- Harry Dunne: Hi, Lloyd.
- Lloyd Christmas: Hi, Harry.
- Harry Dunne: How was your day?
- Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.
- Harry Dunne: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
- Mary Swanson: Really? That's weird.
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
- Lloyd Christmas: [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.
- Lloyd Christmas: [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
- Mary Swanson: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.
- Lloyd Christmas: [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
- Lloyd Christmas: [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.
- Harry Dunne: You're it.
- Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
- Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
- Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
- Harry Dunne: Can too!
- Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
- Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
- Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
- Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
- Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
- Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
- Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!
- Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
- Bus Stop Beauty: Austria.
- Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
- Bus Stop Beauty: Let's not.
- Harry Dunne: So you got fired again, eh?
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
- Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
- Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
- Lloyd Christmas: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
- Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
- Harry Dunne: No way!
- Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
- Harry Dunne: No.
- Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
- Harry Dunne: No.
- Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?
- Harry Dunne: You're on!
- Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
- Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!
- Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
- [coming out of the 7-11]
- Lloyd Christmas: Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see you later.
- Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
- Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
- Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
- Mary Swanson: Not good.
- [the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]
- Lloyd Christmas: [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
- Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.
- Lloyd Christmas: [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!
- Harry Dunne: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
- Lloyd Christmas: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
- Harry Dunne: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
- [He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
- Lloyd Christmas: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
- Harry Dunne: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
- Lloyd Christmas: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
- State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
- Harry Dunne: What?
- State Trooper: Pull over!
- Harry Dunne: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots, man!
- State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
- Harry Dunne: No, sir.
- Lloyd Christmas: No.
- State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
- Harry Dunne: That's nothing, sir.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, nothing.
- State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
- [Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
- Harry Dunne: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
- Lloyd Christmas: No, sir, don't!
- State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
- [takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
- Lloyd Christmas: Tic-Tac, sir?
- State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!
- [on the verge of gagging]
- Harry Dunne: [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
- Lloyd Christmas: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
- Lloyd Christmas: [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
- Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
- Lloyd Christmas: [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
- Harry Dunne: I'm gonna kill you.
- Harry Dunne: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
- Lloyd Christmas: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
- Harry Dunne: [sighs]
- Lloyd Christmas: Maybe she just had a change of heart.
- Harry Dunne: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
- Lloyd Christmas: Do you think...?
- Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
- Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
- Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
- Elderly Lady: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
- Lloyd Christmas: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
- Elderly Lady: Of course.
- Lloyd Christmas: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
- Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
- Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.
- Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
- Lloyd Christmas: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
- Harry Dunne: [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
- Lloyd Christmas: Ha ha ha! It was a good one.
- Harry Dunne: Where's the booze?
- Lloyd Christmas: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
- Harry Dunne: Oh, no, no.
- Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry.
- Harry Dunne: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah?
- Harry Dunne: He's dead.
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
- Harry Dunne: His head fell off.
- Lloyd Christmas: His head fell off?
- Harry Dunne: Yeah. He was pretty old.
- Lloyd Christmas: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No, way! That's great.
- [chuckles]
- Lloyd Christmas: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!
- Lloyd Christmas: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
- Lloyd Christmas: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
- Harry Dunne: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.
- Lloyd Christmas: Mock
- Harry Dunne: Yeah!
- Lloyd Christmas: Ing
- Harry Dunne: Yeah!
- Lloyd Christmas: Bird
- Harry Dunne: Yeah!
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
- Harry Dunne: Yeah!
- Lloyd Christmas: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
- Lloyd Christmas: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
- Nicholas Andre: Open it up. Open it up!
- Lloyd Christmas: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
- Nicholas Andre: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
- Lloyd Christmas: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
- Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job, you know.
- Mary Swanson: No?
- Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
- Mary Swanson: That's nice.
- Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
- Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
- Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
- Mary Swanson: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
- Harry Dunne: Yo... well, y'know, I got a few things to take care of first, but what... why don't we make it quarter to eight?
- Mary Swanson: [laughs] Stop it.
- Harry Dunne: Okay, seven forty-five.
- Harry Dunne: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
- Lloyd Christmas: Okay, kill him!
- Lloyd Christmas: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry, your hands are freezing!
- Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?
- Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.
- Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
- Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
- Harry Dunne: Oh.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
- Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
- Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
- Harry Dunne: The blind kid?
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Ha ha!
- [Suddenly feels ashamed]
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
- Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?
- Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.
- Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?
- Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
- [cough]
- Lloyd Christmas: Petey.
- Harry Dunne: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
- Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...
- [cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
- Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
- [Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
- Harry Dunne: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
- Lloyd Christmas: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
- Harry Dunne: No, it was a girl.
- Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?
- Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.
- Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
- Lloyd Christmas: [gasps] What do you mean?
- Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
- Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
- Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
- Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
- Harry Dunne: Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
- Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
- Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
- Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
- [man and woman walk by]
- Harry Dunne: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he must work out.
- Harry Dunne: What's with the briefcase?
- Lloyd Christmas: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
- Harry Dunne: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
- Lloyd Christmas: [imitates beam noise]
- Lloyd Christmas: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
- Harry Dunne: What's in it?
- Lloyd Christmas: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
- Harry Dunne: Is it locked?
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, really well.
- Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?
- Mary Swanson: Aspen.
- Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
- [while looking back at Mary]
- Lloyd Christmas: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
- [Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
- Mary Swanson: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
- Harry Dunne: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
- Joe Mentalino: Nah, you guys go ahead.
- Harry Dunne: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
- Lloyd Christmas: Okay. You go first.
- Harry Dunne: No no. You go first.
- Lloyd Christmas: You go first.
- Harry Dunne: You go first! I always go first!
- Lloyd Christmas: You go first!
- Joe Mentalino: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
- Lloyd Christmas: That sounds like a dare, Har.
- Joe Mentalino: It's a *double* dare!
- Harry Dunne: Yeah, okay. You're on!