- Vialula: I suspect that your version of romance is whatever will separate me from my panties.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: No, I am just talking about dinner. Wear make-up, put on a dress. Panties are optional.
- Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Tell us about real doctoring Stone. You know,big-city medicine.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Well so much has changed in the forty years since you went to medical school doctor, I really wouldn't know where to start.
- Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Smart-ass.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Wo, who are you?
- Vialula: Don't tease me.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: No I'm serious. You look a lot like Lou, but you're a lot prettier.
- Vialula: I'm warning you Stone, I could probably whoop you in a fistfight.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: If you tell me you're here for a physical,you're gonna make my day.
- Vialula: It's unprofessional to flirt with the patients.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: I'm just on my way to Beverley Hills.Plastic surgery.Not that you'd need any.
- Vialula: Nice try.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you allergic to penicillin?
- Simon Tidwell, First Patient: Don't know. You'd have to ask doc Hogue.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: I doubt doc Hogue knows it's even been discovered.
- [in reference to L.A]
- Hank Gordon: I heard the women out there have their chest enlarged, their thighs vacuumed, and barf on purpose.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [slaps Hank in the back of the head] Not while people are eatin'
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Okay, let's get something straight right now. I got eight years of higher education, I got one year of internship, I got one year of residency. I'm 70,000 dollars in debt. Now I'm waylaid in this heehaw hell, and you insist on clocking me in and out like I'm some kind of factory worker. Well no! N-O, no! This is where I draw the line.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Listen, doctor, I've got a boy here in cardiac crisis. You can't treat that with Coca-Cola or Bisquick. We're gonna have to use real medicine this time. Now I'm sending him to Athens General. You're his regular fucking doctor, you get your fat ass out of bed, get down there and go with him.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Presidents come here during the fishing season.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: On purpose?
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: What are you talking about?
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Timing. Same thing with women. And with southern women, well, they require a substantial commitment. You might have to stay here six months, I don't know, maybe more.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you a betting man, Nick?
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Well, I have been known on occasion.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: It'll take me about a week.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Wait a minute, you mean... Vialula in the center pocket?
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: You want to trade, the pig for the part?
- Melvin the Mechanic: If you can part with the pig.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Good.
- Woman with Glasses: There's a blurred spot in my vision... there... no, there, no,no...
- [Dr. Stone takes her glasses and cleans them]
- Woman with Glasses: I'm cured.
- Nurse Packer: [reading from a note left by Doc Hogue] "When to call me, you've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, separated from an appendage, knocked or beaten unconscious, run over by a tractor mower, or generally about to bleed to death. Otherwise, leave me alone"
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: I am so fucked.
- Deputy Cotton: Watch your language doc.You're in the buckle of the bible belt here.Try saying fudge or something.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Fiddlesticks too strong?
- Deputy Cotton: Depends.
- Dr. Tommy Shulman: At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I just want to tell you that you're a schmuck, and I hope I never see you again.
- Dr. Aurelius Hogue: [while being examined] Check Hollywood for knives. I don't want him operating in case I sneeze or something.
- Vialula: [about the gossip in Grady] Can't poop in this town without everybody knowin' what color it is.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Beverly Hills. The most beautiful women in the world. Plastic surgery. What do these three things have in common? Me, in less than a week.
- [after Ben asks about how everyone is in Grady]
- Nancy Lee Nicholson: Why don't ask me about Vialula?
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Well, she and Hank are probably...
- Hank Gordon: You're in my chair.
- [Ben looks up at Hank]
- Hank Gordon: Slide a bit, Nancy Lee.
- [sits down]
- Hank Gordon: There is a man in the toilet sellin' after shave. Now, what's that all about?
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [to Ben, listening to Dr. Hogue talking] He'll recite a complete Walt Whitman if you don't monitor his drinkin.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [the welcoming committee is discussing Ben's love life] Maybe he's engaging in the love that dare not speak it's name.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Will I go blind?
- [Clarifying, holding up his glass]
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: This is moonshine, right?
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: What are you talking about?
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Timing. Same thing with women. And with southern women, well, they require a substantial commitment. You might have to stay here six months, I don't know, maybe more.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you a betting man, Nick?
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Well, I have been known on occasion.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: It'll take me about a week.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Wait a minute, you mean... Vialula in the center pocket?
- Nancy Lee Nicholson: I read somewhere that doctors have the highest suicide rate in any profession except for dentistry.
- Vialula: I'm going for breakfast, you want anything?
- Nurse Packer: mmm-hmmm, how about Bob Barker?
- Vialula: [snorts] I'll see what I can do.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: Don't let old Doc Hogue scare you. We know you weren't aiming to kill that boy last night.
- Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Well, nice work, Hollywood.You were just about to crack open the chest of a 6 year-old boy to cure a case of diarrhea. Now, listen up smart ass. Next time I tell you how to treat a patient of mine, you'd better damn well do it, doctor. I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco.
- Violet: [Mayor Nicholson turns on the light; to Ben] Surprise! Welcoming Committee!
- Maddie: I hope you're hungry.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Evening, ladies. Ben Stone, this here's Miss Violet, and Miss Lillian and Miss Maddie. Ladies, this here is Ben Stone, MD.
- Maddie: [to Ben] Fired chicken, boiled peanuts and sweet potato pie.
- Violet: Catfish, biscuits, butter beans and watermelon.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [sarcastic] Hungry-Man dinner. I'm a bad cook.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Well, I guess I'll just say adieu and come chauffeur you in the morning.
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: No, wait, wait, wait, Nick. Wait, come on. Nick, you're just not gonna leave me here in the middle of nowhere with them. It's getting late.
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Oh, don't worry. Only one of 'em horny. I'm not telling you which one, though.
- [wheezing laugh]
- Mayor Nick Nicholson: Your face...
- [Mayor Nicholson chuckles as he leaves; Ben turns to see the committee holding liquor glasses]
- Maddie: You want a cocktail?
- [Miss Violet, Miss Maddie & Miss Lillian are sewing up a friendship quit for Ben while the latter enjoy his Ouzo cocktail]
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: Anyway, the high profile, high profit-
- [clears throat]
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: -work just makes it possible for me to do the more reconstructive surgery for needier patients... and get a big house on the beach.
- Violet: It's just hard to believe. A man as good-looking like Dr. Stone should be married.
- Maddie: Well, maybe he ain't found his Adam's Rib yet, Vi.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: Maybe he indulges in the love that dare not speak its name.
- Violet: Lillian!
- Dr. Benjamin Stone: [feeling drowsy; raspy] Will I go blind? It's Moonshine, right?
- Violet: Well, Ouzo, actually.
- Maddie: We took a cruise to Greece.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: Not me. I wasn't invited.
- Violet: It was one of those Golden-Agers tours.
- Maddie: Sunset tours, Vi, honey.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: They ate the brains out of a goat.
- Maddie: Not me.
- Violet: We ate dog.
- Maddie: I didn't eat no dog.
- Violet: You don't know that you didn't.
- [to Ben]
- Violet: Now, Dr. Stone, there's a legend about friendship quilts.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: That's bunk.
- Violet: Folks say that the first person to sleep under a friendship quilt will meet the one they're gonna marry.
- Lillian, Welcoming Committee: DREAM about the one they're gonna marry, and it's bunk.
- Maddie: What a fine hand he has.
- [Ben has passed out to sleep]
- Maddie: Dr. Stone? Dr. Stone. Dr. Stone...