- [Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]
- Balki Bartokomous: Yours?
- Larry Appleton: Yes.
- Balki Bartokomous: Yours... looks... just like mine.
- Larry Appleton: Yes.
- Balki Bartokomous: But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?
- Larry Appleton: Dental records.
- [Larry is installing a shower head]
- Balki Bartokomous: Where are the instructions?
- Larry Appleton: I threw them out.
- Balki Bartokomous: You threw them out?
- Larry Appleton: Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions.
- Balki Bartokomous: Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?
- [Larry pauses for a second]
- Larry Appleton: [sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.
- [Larry is hanging from a hook on the wall]
- Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, do it for me, please?
- Larry Appleton: No, no...
- Balki Bartokomous: Oh, please. Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way is it to the Emerald City?
- Larry Appleton: Some people go that way, and some people go that way...
- Balki Bartokomous: But, of course, people do go both ways.
- Larry Appleton: I didn't lie. At most, I massaged the truth a little.
- Balki Bartokomous: Massaged? You gave it a full body scrub and a mud bath!
- Balki Bartokomous: You said that you would not go overboard, and now look at you. You're scraping barnacles off the Titanic.
- Larry Appleton: Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
- Balki Bartokomous: Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head?
- Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
- Balki Bartokomous: Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head?
- Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
- Balki Bartokomous: [pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek?
- Larry Appleton: It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.
- Balki Bartokomous: You may call it intuition, you may call it common sense, you may call the wind Mariah...
- Larry Appleton: Our goal for this evening is to acheive physical contact. Now how do we acheive physical contact?
- Balki Bartokomous: Begging?
- Larry Appleton: Dancing.
- Larry Appleton: Take three steps east, please be meticulous.
- Balki Bartokomous: Well of course we will, don't be ridiculous.
- [after Larry confesses a lie to Jennifer, and mentions several other unrelated lies at the same time]
- Balki Bartokomous: Boy, when you come clean you leave a ring around the tub!
- Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: You know, having a ghost would explain so many things! Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on!
- Jennifer Lyons Appleton: No Maryanne, the light goes on because...
- [pauses for a moment, then decides to give up]
- Jennifer Lyons Appleton: Yes, Maryanne. Having a ghost would explain that.
- Balki Bartokomous: [trying to think of the most offensive thing he can] I hope you fall on your face with your hands in your pockets!
- [Twinkacetti is staying with the guys after his wife threw him out]
- Donnie Twinkacetti: Hey, Appleton, I read your diary. You're a sick man.
- [after Larry and Balki lock themselves in a phone booth to call 911, a thug smashes the glass to the booth with his bare fist, then rips the handset of the phone, so they can't get help]
- Balki Bartokomous: ...well, now you've done it! You're going to have to answer to the
- [shouts]
- Balki Bartokomous: phone company!
- Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: Oh my God, I'm blind!
- Jennifer Lyons Appleton: Mary Anne, we go through this every morning. Take your sleep mask off.
- Larry Appleton: Oh, my lord...
- Mr. Wainwright: Appleton, you idiot!
- Larry Appleton: I just shot my boss in the butt.
- Mr. Gorpley: And then there was the Christmas where my house burned down and I had to go to the hospital. No, that was a good Christmas. I got to sleep in a real bed!
- [after Larry tells them they need to bake 2,000 "Bibby Bobkas" to sell to a restaurant]
- Jennifer Lyons Appleton: Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?
- [Larry stops to try to calculate it in his head]
- Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: [without stopping to calculate it] 166 and 2/3 dozen.
- [everyone looks at her in confused amazement]
- Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: [as if it explained everything perfectly] My father was a carpenter.
- Balki Bartokomous: Hi, cousin! I just baked a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.
- Larry Appleton: ...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?
- Balki Bartokomous: Bingo! Want a big bite, booby?
- Larry Appleton: Better not, buddy.
- Balki Bartokomous: ...bummer.
- Larry Appleton: Bitter, Balki?
- Balki Bartokomous: You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby! I busted my butt baking these itty bitty binkis, and believe me, I banked on a bit of basic brotherly bolstering!
- Larry Appleton: Balki, buddy, baby!
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