- Brody: I need everyone here to listen to me very, very carefully, but whatever you do, please do not panic. Everybody here is in danger of being brutally murdered and sacrificed to the devil, so, if you would, please just move single file to the door, and we'll look forward to seeing you next time.
- Craig: I don't know how I'd feel about having some poor bastard work for free.
- Doug: It's un-American.
- Fire Marshal: No, you gotta trust me on this one. I mean, he wouldn't mind. Not like when his wife of seventeen years, who he treated like a goddess, left him for Tom at Myspace.com.
- Craig: It kind of sounds like your friend might be gay.
- Fire Marshal: Why? You gay? Nice apron.
- Dinko's Geek: You know what would be funny? If you took your top off and I saw your breasts, and I was like, "Hey, I can't believe you did that."